A complaint about Doors

Discussion in 'BOARDANIA' started by Maljonic, Jan 14, 2006.

  1. Maljonic Administrator

    Writing this letter stems from a desperation to be heard, if not by a court of law, then by a court of public opinion. Let me begin by saying that if I didn't sincerely believe that on theoretical grounds alone, Lord Orrdos or Doors's statements are so filled with errors that I feel some futility in replying to them, then I wouldn't be writing this letter. Those of us who are still sane, those of us who still have a firm grip on reality, those of us who still suspect that Orrdos functions not as a social critic, but as an unoriginal imitator of the ruling ideologues, have an obligation to do more than just observe what Orrdos is doing from a safe distance. We have an obligation to keep the faith. We have an obligation to free people from the spell of cannibalism that he has cast over them. And we have an obligation to supply the missing ingredient that could stop the worldwide slide into totalitarianism.

    At first, Orrdos just wanted to establish tacit boundaries and ground rules for the permissible spectrum of opinion. Then, he tried to send lazy evil-doers on safari holidays instead of publicly birching them. Who knows what he'll do next? First, I'll give you a very brief answer and then I'll go back and explain my answer in detail. As for the brief answer, he accuses me of being narrow-minded. Does he claim I'm narrow-minded because I refuse to accept his claim that he does the things he does "for the children"? If so, then I guess I'm as narrow-minded as I could possibly be. I could substantiate what I'm saying about intellectually challenged whiners, but I don't feel that that's necessary, since we all know what they're like. I have two words to say about his fairy tales: ghastly poppycock. Is it not positively the distinguishing feature of Orrdos's sentiments to rewrite history to reflect or magnify an imaginary "victimhood"? Why is it that if stated outright, Orrdos's epithets would be manifestly unpopular? It's because Orrdos is too illiberal to read the writing on the wall. This writing warns that one of his vassals once said, "Orrdos is a refined gentleman with the soundest education and morals you can imagine." Now that's pretty funny, of course, but I didn't include that quote just to make you laugh. I included it to convince you that Orrdos's faculty for deception is so far above anyone else's, it really must be considered different in kind as well as in degree. Now for some parting advice: Look at the facts. Analyze the arguments. Think about the motives of the people who are telling you that Lord Orrdos or Doors holds a universal license that allows him to compromise the things that define us, including integrity, justice, love, and sharing. And have confidence in yourself. Remember, he clings to credentialism like a drowning man clings to a life preserver.

    P.S. Make your own complaint here
  2. Orrdos God

    For some time now, I've been writing letters grounded on two key principles:

    1. Mr. Mal J Onic is a lifelong member of the Church of Brassbound Irrationalism, and
    2. Mr. Onic's belief that lackadaisical patronizing-types are easily housebroken is pure and total fantasy.

    There are a number of reasons he isn't telling us as to why he wants to resort to underhanded tactics. In this letter, I will expose those reasons one-by-one, on the principle that I receive a great deal of correspondence from people all over the world. And one of the things that impresses me about it is the massive number of people who realize that he keeps telling us that anyone who resists him deserves to be crushed. Are we also supposed to believe that free speech is wonderful as long as you're not bashing him and the flagitious fugitives in his band? I didn't think so. I call upon him to stop his oppression, lies, immorality, and debauchery. I call upon him to be a man of manners, principles, honour, and purity. And finally, I call upon him to forgo his desire to corrupt our youth. This is a lesson for those with eyes to see. It is a lesson not so much about Mr. Onic's simple-minded behavior, but about the way that Mr. Onic wants all of us to believe that he defends the real needs of the working class. That's why he sponsors brainwashing in the schools, brainwashing by the government, brainwashing statements made to us by politicians, entertainers, and sports stars, and brainwashing by the big advertisers and the news media. His viewpoints amount to what a proverbial metaphor in Sanskrit describes as trying to extinguish a fire by feeding it enough wood to glut its appetite. But let's not lose sight of the larger, more important issue here: his ghastly shell games.

    "Bitter" hardly seems like a strong enough word to describe Mr. Onic. Likewise, the point at which you discover that there are many illustrations of this is not only a moment of disenchantment. It is a moment of resolve, a determination that it has long been obvious to attentive observers that his refusal to admit the obvious -- that all he does is inspire mawkish, uncontrollable values -- must rank as one of the most duplicitous disinformation campaigns in history. But did you know that Mr. Onic can't control his desire to have everything he wants and to have it now? Mr. Onic doesn't want you to know that because today, we might have let him steal the fruits of other people's labor. Tomorrow, we won't. Instead, we will embrace the cause of self-determination and recognize the leading role and clearer understanding of those people for whom the quintessential struggle is an encompassing liberation movement against the totality of revisionism. I cannot compromise with Mr. Onic; he is without principles. I cannot reason with him; he is without reason. But I can warn him, and with a warning he must unequivocally take to heart: Last summer, I attempted what I knew would be a hopeless task. I tried to convince Mr. Onic that I hope that he regrets what he has done. As I expected, Mr. Onic was completely unconvinced. I don't care what others say about him. Mr. Onic's still unholy, ignorant, and he intends to stifle dissent. Is there a way to counter Mr. Onic's venal maneuvers? Oh yes, there is a way. It's really quite simple and can be done by any individual. It doesn't cost a thing, monetarily. It requires only time, diligence, and a desire to bring a fresh perspective and new ideas to the current debate.

    Please humor me for a moment while I state that we must unquestionably purge the darkness from Mr. Onic's heart. Does that sound extremist? Is it too jackbooted for you? I'm sorry if it seems that way, but that's life. My argument is that one of history's clearest lessons is that Mr. Onic's allies are ineducable. Ridiculous? Not so. Unfortunately, I can already see the response to this letter. Someone, possibly Mr. Mal J Onic himself or one of his devotees, will write an indecent piece about how disrespectful I am. If that's the case, then so be it. What I just wrote sorely needed to be written.
  3. Sir_Gawain New Member

    Both of you, please. This is a message board for all of us to post our thoughts and ideas and opinions. And if someone wants to post that we should all dye ourselves blue and start a nudist town, that's perfectly within their rights. If someone wants to post that the current President of the USA is the next Messiah and all gays should be burned at stake, they're allowed to say that too. I'd stay away from them of course, but they're allowed to say it. People can ask them to leave off the topic, but they shouldn't tell the to shut up, go away, and never come back. And they should not raise rallies to 'purge the darkness from his soul'. Gods, Doors. You sound like an inquisitor for the Spanish Inquisition. And really, Mal. Is doors truly compromising 'the things that define us, including integrity, justice, love, and sharing.'? Just stop going for each other's throats guys. It's annoying to all the rest of us on the board.

    By the way, doors, you might want to use smaller words. I understood all of them but possibly 'venal'. It takes some of the oomph out of your argument if it must be translated first. Long words are fine if there aren't any shorter and more commonly used words that mean quite what you're saying, and I know it's hard using shorter words, but it would help the rest of us out if you'd display your extensive vocabulary in places where it would be appreciated.
  4. fairyliquid New Member

    oops...double posted
  5. fairyliquid New Member

    Not sure if you realised Gawain bit this wasn't written by either of them...

    it's a nifty little complaint generator...links on the P.S. of Mals post

    *runs off with an evil look in her eye* me thinks me could have fun with this :cooler:
  6. TamyraMcG Active Member

    Always check out the postscripts, I typed in Ms. Sir G Awain. If I knew better I'd have the results here now. It came up with an eerily apt complaint. 8)
  7. Sir_Gawain New Member

    Oh, ok. :oops: Heh.
  8. mowgli New Member

    Oh dear lord... someone actually took the time to create this!!!
  9. Hsing Moderator

    I suppose, for everything there's someone who takes the time to create it.
  10. Maljonic Administrator

    I was originally going to go for the full 5 paragraphs, but when I saw it it seemed way too long. I was worried that is wouldn't be read through to the P.S. :)
  11. Rincewind Number One Doorman

    Even a bridge made of ham?
  12. Maljonic Administrator

    I thought you might say something like that but before anyone takes umbrage at what I'm about to say, let me explain that Rincewind's helpers have demonstrated brutally, horribly, and with great terror how they will equip the worst classes of stuck-up propagandists there are with flame throwers, hand grenades, and heat-seeking missiles. Let me begin by saying that when Rincewind hears anyone say that his adages do not pass muster by any objective standards, his answer is to supplant national heroes with the worst kinds of loud pip-squeaks there are. That's similar to taking a few drunken swings at a beehive: it just makes me want even more to take off the kid gloves and vent some real anger at him. There is no inconsistency here; life isn't fair. We've all known this since the beginning of time, so why is he so compelled to complain about situations over which he has no control? The answer is not obvious, because if he feels ridiculed by all the attention my letters are bringing him, then that's just too darn bad. Rincewind's arrogance has brought this upon himself. To end on a more positive note: Rincewind, using every conceivable means for his purpose, is determined to hand over the country to unconscionable scapegraces.
  13. Rincewind Number One Doorman

    Damn you, you and your fancy pants letters!
  14. Maljonic Administrator

    [quote:c965695a0a="Rincewind"]Damn you, you and your fancy pants letters![/quote:c965695a0a]Sounds like a good sig., or a caption for your avatar. :)
  15. Katcal I Aten't French !

    In a prior letter, I identified a set of ideological premises as superordinate constructions that maintain the rhetorical context in which Rinso's Beard is able to force women to live by restrictive standards not applicable to men. I will now elaborate on three of his most shabby premises:

    1. Character development is not a matter of "strength through adversity" but rather, "entitlement through victimization".
    2. The Earth is flat.
    3. His blessing is the equivalent of a papal imprimatur.

    Note that some of the facts I plan to use in this letter were provided to me by a highly educated person who managed to escape Rinso's Beard's brassbound, unrealistic indoctrination and is consequently believable. I close this letter along the same lines it opened on: Ignorant and highly emotional persons are frequently swayed by Rinso's Beard's bombast and fustian.

    And I would like to add "HO. HO. HO." :D
  16. Orrdos God

    You're quite right Gawain.

    It was churlish of me to insult Mr. Onic like that.

    I will of course extend a full apology to Mr. Onic and all of those that have been affected by my outburst.

    I can only hope that with this attempt by myself at repairing some of the bridges between us, myself and Mr. Onic can come to some sort of peace, even if we can never truly have a bond of friendship between ourselfs.

    To those others that have been caught in the unfortunate crossfire that has peppered the board of late, I can only throw myself on your mercy and beg forgiveness.

    I hope if you look within your hearts you will be able to give me that forgiveness.
  17. Marcia Executive Onion

    There's a question that's been on my mind lately: To what degree is The Unseen Message Board going to preach a propaganda of hate? I mean, it has a deep conviction that people don't mind having their communities turned into war zones. Let me begin by saying that its vituperations are not pedantic treatises expressing theories or extravaganzas dealing in fables or fancies. They are substantial, sober outpourings from the very soul of Jacobinism. The Unseen Message Board will probably throw another hissy fit if we don't let it show us a gross miscarriage of common judgment. At least putting up with another The Unseen Message Board hissy fit is easier than convincing The Unseen Message Board's votaries that I wouldn't put it past The Unseen Message Board to sully a profession that's already held in low esteem. The Unseen Message Board will almost certainly tiptoe around that glaringly evident fact, because if it didn't, you might come to realize that it has planted its expositors everywhere. You can find them in businesses, unions, activist organizations, tax-exempt foundations, professional societies, movies, schools, churches, and so on. Not only does this subversive approach enhance The Unseen Message Board's ability to censor by caricature and preempt discussion by stereotype but it also provides irrefutable evidence that we've all heard it yammer and whine about how it's being scapegoated again, the poor dear. When The Unseen Message Board says that it's inappropriate to teach children right from wrong, that's just a load of spucatum tauri. Now that you've read the bulk of this letter, it should not come as a complete surprise that pride and solidarity prepare individuals to become partners in an alliance against mischievous sectarianism. However, this fact bears repeating again and again, until the words crack through the hardened exteriors of those who would interfere with a person's work performance, bodily security, physical movement, and privacy rights. I am referring, of course, to the likes of The Unseen Message Board.
  18. TamyraMcG Active Member

  19. mowgli New Member

    I'm curious...

    Did someone amass a WHOLE lot of rant-like manifestoes on all possible topics, break them up into paragraphs, mix them up and then let them be spewed out of random spewer-outer, all the while replacing proper names with "Fill in the blank"?

    (Oh and Doors is UNFORGIVEN :) )
  20. fairyliquid New Member

  21. Saccharissa Stitcher

    This reminds me of a political speech generator we had in our Modern Greek books; phrases in columns that you could pick in any random order and sound like a politician (a twat politician but I digress :p)
  22. Maljonic Administrator


    It seems to be done by a jumple of phrases and sentences. Clever...though I hate to think the amount of time was spent compiling it :?[/quote:4cf6165f05]10 years so far...
  23. spiky Bar Wench

    Heres one thats much quicker:http://elsmar.com/level2/Bingo.html

    I actually had 2 days of management meetings where this was filled in numerous times...

    Oh and people you have too much time.

    EDIT: Ba has edited this post so that the url would show correctly.
  24. sleepy_sarge New Member

    My complaint about Mr. Unhappy Bob

    For those who know me, they know it is a rare occurrence for me to be rendered speechless. But when I heard that Mr. Unhappy Bob wants to demand that loyalty to gormless manipulators of the public mind supersedes personal loyalty, I must say that speechless I was. I begin with critical semantic clarifications. First, we must reach out to people with the message that if ultra-dangerous vulgarians really believed in equality, they wouldn't encumber the religious idea with too many things of a purely earthly nature and thus bring religion into a totally unnecessary conflict with science. We must alert people of that. We must educate them. We must inspire them. And we must encourage them to strike at the heart of Bob's efforts to tell us how to live, what to say, what to think, what to know, and -- most importantly -- what not to know. He has two imperatives. The first is to foster mysticism at every opportunity. The second imperative is to violate all the rules of decorum. Sorry for babbling so much, but it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
  25. Katcal I Aten't French !

    Bob says : :(

    And that's worth a ten paragraph complaint any day !
  26. OmKranti Yogi Wench

    One for the Wife:

    As poorly qualified as I am to turn Queen Ella Of Prussia's lousy, capricious politics to our advantage, I hope you will bear with me while I begin this sincere and earnest attempt. And please don't get mad with me if, in doing so, I must put the kibosh on Queen Of Prussia's half-measures. To get right down to it, Queen Of Prussia presents herself as a disinterested classicist lamenting the infusion of politically motivated methods of pedagogy and analysis into higher education. She is eloquent in her denunciation of modern scholarship, claiming it favors stubborn pothouse drunks. And here we have the ultimate irony, because her strictures are related to the elements and bases of sesquipedalianism both organizationally and ideologically. That's the current situation, and if you have any doubt about the reality of it, then you haven't been paying close enough attention to what's been happening in the world. This should be a chance to examine and bring problems to light, to share and join in understanding, but the irony is that her most warped expositions are also her most sleazy. As the French say, "Les extremes se touchent." I'll end this letter with a personal invitation to Queen Ella Of Prussia herself: If you care to respond to what I wrote, please do, especially if you think that I am being inaccurate or unfair. I do not wish to misrepresent you in any way whatsoever. Pax vobiscum.
  27. Ba Lord of the Pies

    Ba edited Spiky's link so it would display correctly. That is all.
  28. spiky Bar Wench

    [quote:57cf94cc21="Ba"]Ba edited Spiky's link so it would display correctly. That is all.[/quote:57cf94cc21]

    Fair enough. I don't know why it went funny. I just pasted the link and put the URL tags on and thats what it looked like... Is it just me or are the URL tags the culprit?
  29. Katcal I Aten't French !

    It's just you.

  30. Delphine New Member

    A complaint about my esteemed wife, King Yoom Of Prussia, Esq.

    King Yoom Of Prussia, Esq. thinks that she acts in the name of equality and social justice. Unfortunately for her, she's wrong. I realize that some of you may not know the particular background details of the events I'm referring to. I'm not going to go into those details here, but you can read up on them elsewhere. As sure as you're born, in a recent essay, she stated that she does the things she does "for the children". Since the arguments she made in the rest of her essay are based in part on that assumption, she should be aware that it just isn't true. Not only that, but her double standards cannot stand on their own merit. That's why they're dependent on elaborate artifices and explanatory stories to convince us that hostile bribe-seekers are inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive. Finally, any one of the points I made in this letter could be turned into a complete research paper, but the conclusion of each would be the same: King Yoom Of Prussia, Esq. has a hair-trigger temper.
  31. Darth_Bemblebee New Member

    :D This site brought my friends et moi much hilarity, thanks Maljonic!

    (Incidently, Delphine, whether your sig is merely for comic value or making a moral point, i like it ;) )
  32. Maljonic Administrator

    Cool. My mother sent one to an American friend of hers in Afghanistan and he thought she was serious. :)
  33. spiky Bar Wench

    This is one I had to do with the start of semester fast approaching

    To My Students:

    As they look over the world's painful panorama of war and terror, some people conclude that it is too late, that no amount of information or activity could possibly bring My Students to justice. But those who take that pessimistic view understand neither My Students nor its current rung on the ladder to total power. I begin with critical semantic clarifications. First, I cannot believe how many actual, physical, breathing, thinking people have fallen for My Students's subterfuge. I'm utterly stunned. Although My Students has tremendous popular appeal, if everyone does his own, small part, together we can eschew villainous, inconsiderate fogyism. Not only have the most ornery punks you'll ever see decided to glorify their initiatives by dressing them up as moral and righteous prerogatives, but their nostrums are being debated as though they were actually reasonable. Furthermore, My Students says it's going to open the floodgates of revanchism faster than you can say "unproportionableness". Is it out of its mind? The answer is fairly obvious when you consider that it is unwilling to stand up for what is true and right if there is no obvious advantage to it in doing so. Get that straight, please. Any other thinking is blame-shoving or responsibility-dodging. Furthermore, Nature is a wonderful teacher. For instance, the lesson that Nature teaches us from newly acephalous poultry is that you really don't need a brain to run around like a dang fool making a spectacle of yourself. Nature also teaches us that My Students hates you -- yes, you, because you, like me, want to feed the starving, house the homeless, cure the sick, and still find wonder and awe in the sunrise and the moonlight.
  34. Katcal I Aten't French !

    This is a perfect one for today :

    Allow me the honor of giving you a brief lesson in My Boss's many clumsy attributes. Let's get down to business: If the human race is to survive on this planet, we will have to celebrate knowledge and truth for the sake of knowledge and truth. Ostensibly, My Boss does not intend to muddy the word "physiologicoanatomic", but in fact, I want to lay out some ideas and interpretations that hold the potential for insight. But first, let me pose an abstract question. Why can't we all just get along? We must unquestionably ask ourselves questions like that before it's too late, before My Boss gets the opportunity to create catchy, new terms for boring, old issues.

    I am not trying to save the world -- I gave up that pursuit a long time ago. But I am trying to reinforce notions of positive self esteem. My Boss's vassals tend to fall into the mistaken belief that university professors must conform their theses and conclusions to My Boss's poxy prejudices if they want to publish papers and advance their careers, mainly because they live inside a My Boss-generated illusion-world and talk only with each other. As we organize our campaigns against the most pathetic nutcases you'll ever see and formulate responses to their rhetoric, it is critical that we provide people the wherewithal to name and shame his surrogates for their tendentious acts of defeatism. If you'll allow me a minor dysphemism, his credos are the epitome of insensitivity. Or, to phrase that a little more politely, My Boss claims to be supportive of my plan to kick butt and take names. Don't trust him, though; he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Before you know it, he'll make people weak and dependent. Not only that, but I am reminded of the quote, "The nicest thing that can be said about his cat's-paws is that they are silly barrators out to produce a new generation of jejune, avaricious beatniks whose opinions and prejudices, far from being enlightened and challenged, are simply legitimized." This comment is not as wily as it seems because My Boss's platitudes are based on hate. Hate, nonrepresentationalism, and an intolerance of another viewpoint, another way of life. Sorry for babbling so much, but My Boss's foot soldiers maintain that the masses are bloodthirsty and unfit for citizenship.
  35. OmKranti Yogi Wench

    [quote:845405fb8a="Delphine"]A complaint about my esteemed wife, King Yoom Of Prussia, Esq.

    ....King Yoom Of Prussia, Esq. has a hair-trigger temper.[/quote:845405fb8a]

    Well, duh. lol.
  36. Delphine New Member

    [quote:97d256468b="Darth_Bemblebee"](Incidently, Delphine, whether your sig is merely for comic value or making a moral point, i like it ;) )[/quote:97d256468b]

    Oh, heh. No, it's nothing moral. It's from here: http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=484 :)
  37. Cynical_Youth New Member

    Dinosaur Comics rocks!

    T-Rex: Like Waking Up Covered in Someone Else's Blood, But In A Good Way!

    Brilliant stuff. :)
  38. Darth_Bemblebee New Member

    :D Loving it mightily, thanks.
  39. drunkymonkey New Member

    Hey, this is great! Thanks for the link!

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