"Work is a dull thing; you cannot get away from that. The only agreeable existence is one of idleness, and that is not, unfortunately, always compatible with continuing to exist at all." - Rose Macaulay
For every minute you spend angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness. Ralph Waldo Emerson That's printed at the top of my corporate notepad, and strangely enough, I actually like it.
Emerson's a good guy. I find that the older I get, the more I come around to his way of thinking. Thoreau, for all his genius, is really a young man's thinker. I still value his insights, but I find that his lack of maturity becomes more apparent over time.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If it throws tomatos at you, make Bloody Marys. Source - unknown.
I like the bloody mary one Improves my mood from a crap day yesterday... One the back of the toilet door yesterday: Live life deep, not long. It was a strngely philosophical bit of graffiti that stuck in my head.
My literal way of thinking would have made me assume they were talking about my upcoming poo, not to worry about making it long but making sure it goes deep.
That was my thinking, too. Then I started to consider the ramifications, and quickly aborted out of that train of thought.
If there were no people with toilet humour brains there would be no-one to write weird stuff on toilet walls/doors and the world would be such a boring place.
One of the very worst things about working at the plant is that there is no graffiti allowed, and there really is hardly any anywhere, maybe that is why i like the dumpsters with the safety slogans on them, they may be a little Big Brotherish, but at least they are something not concrete gray , yellow, or stainless steel.
I thought this could be a good thread because I'm always noticing, hearing or reading things that stand out and stick in my mind. This is especially true since a new colleague arrived in my team. If Chuck Norris and Van Damme had a son, and that son was then raised by bears in the forests of Canada that fed exclusively on magic mushrooms and those funny plants that make you laugh, he would be that guy. :lol: Today's quote (a short one considering this monologue went on for the best part of half an hour): "Hey, isn't it great that all those medieval things are still so useful? I mean if we all had grappling hooks we wouldn't need lifts, we could just walk up the side of buildings! (...) And Catapults, I mean, sure we have guns, bombs, bazookas. But if you want to throw a cow at your enemies, you can't do that with a bazooka, can you!"
Nice one....erm. They haven't invented time travel yet have they? -because that guy puts me in mind of cavepeople from waaay back. My quote of the day (easy because i'm currently giving English speaking tests) Me: 'Is this a house?' (pointing to picture of something to be revealed in the next line...) Various students: 'No. I'm an umbrella.' Yes dearie...yes you are...I love them though. I just despair at teaching them anything other than the rote set material....but that's a rant for another day. Bring on the quotes people!
This was said by a quasi-feminist colleague during a conversation at work, where a 19 year old male colleague (who's still quite naive in many ways) was espousing some 'old-fashioned' opinions on women: "You're so traditional. That is so sweet, but also offensive."
And by one of my slightly very overweight colleagues at lunchtime: "If you don't shut up I'm going to turn green and start tearing off my clothes. Now, I don't think any of us want that, now, do we?" There was a general agreement in work and the person in question mutely shook her head.:lol:
Nice one, I may try that some time. One of my all-time work favourites has to be this one: Me: "So, I've been hired to look after your website for this high-tech printer management software of yours. I couldn't help wondering: why does the header of the website have a blueprint of a yacht as a background?" Boss: "I like yachts. Don't you like yachts? Yachts are nice." Me: "Yes, but what, exactly is the connection with the product, or the company?" Boss: "It's my company. I like yachts. What don't you get?"
I love it when 'old' jokes can be brought to life. Last year I was helping out in my friends hardware shop and a young student had just finished buying some paint. In passing I asked her what the job was and she replied she was decorating her bedroom and her boyfriend was coming over to help her. The next customer, known locally as "Lord Whiteadder**" had overheard the conversation and launched into a ten minute lecture on the sanctity of marriage. his language becoming liberally sprinkled with assorted expletives. Several of the other customers had young children with them and I was about to ask him to leave when his discourse turned to moral values and he suddenly snapped out the question, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married... How about you?" I just couldn't help the reply I gave... "I'm not sure sir, what was her maiden name?" He left the shop in less than five seconds. ** Blackadder's pious uncle.
Mine was true and today, in fact I could probably get a quote each day either from or about my 19 year old colleague. Not exactly a quote, but his funniest moment was when writing an e-mail to a customer - he meant to write "We apologise for the inconvenience.", but unfortunately spelt 'inconvenience' incorrectly, then was too quick on selecting an alternate from the spell checker that runs before sending. The first I knew of it was when he said, "Ben, what does incontinence mean?"
Hand on heart... an experience I would have killed for to have happened in front of a much larger audience such as a crowded market place when out performing. Forty years of being heckled by crowds of spectators is a lot of time to collate suitable put-downs and punchlines for pretentious comedians. The girl fell about in hysterics when she was told about the incident. 'Lord Whiteadder' is a well known prude.
oh yeah, mine were both true, although slightly shortened so as not to convey the full rants and the context of both of them, the punchlines were word for word... There are some dialogs you just can't make up.
Believe me, mine is true. She actually says that quite a bit as a threat, but no matter how many times you hear it, it's always good:smile:
I have a nice positive one today. During a random conversation in stilted english/japanese with some boys, one little one piped up suddenly with: 'I.....am a beautiful boy.' Completely out of context, but stil....makes me not want to leave really.
In life, sometimes you are the fly, and sometimes you are the swat. But sometimes, on a rare occasion, you are the hand that holds the swat. It is only then that you can say 'life is good'.
An excerpt from last weeks major crazed rant from aforementioned crazy dude: (on seeing a long queue for a free barbecue at lunchtime at work) "You people are fucking crazy in this country, it's like you have a queueing fetish or something, why can't you people just get stuff without queueing? Fuck this, in Canada we never queue like this, I mean, in this country you even queue to get on the bus. You people are fucking crazy, man, y'know!" (this was commented on by a fellow Canadian who officially stated "I don't know where the fuck this guy comes from, but it sure ain't Canada")
Today, while pointing at the site menu and asking where my male colleague wanted me to put the new page I had just finished: "So, where would you like it, roughly?" Why aren't commas more obvious when you're speaking? I don't think he has stopped laughing yet.
English is for Englishmen, all else is for lesser imitations. Subtle innuendos aside... AND... I'm still laughing! For the the answer to "Where"... answers on a postcard in not more than 12 words. Bonus prize for 4 words or less!
From a student of a teacher I know, a tall, broad shouldered man working out in the Japanese countryside. 'I didn't know humans came in your size.'
My daughter: "Mama, what is my doll's hair made of?" Me: "It's made of plastic..." My daughter: "Just PLASTIC? (pause) ...come, my dolly. We've been hoodwinked."
From a conversation with the same 'turn green and tear my clothes off girl'. We'd both gotten almost the same meal at lunch, and I decided I wanted coleslaw - which made it identical to hers: GG: I suppose you'd steal my thoughts as quick? M: (staring intently into her eyes for a few very long seconds while half the table stares at the two of us) Nah. Can't steal what isn't there. GG: .....huh?....I hate you.... 2 1/2 hours later at break: GG: What about now? M: (Stares intently at her for a few seconds) Nope. Still nothing.
I just realized that there were two of these threads created within weeks - would it make sense to merge them?
I have a rather similar one to Katcal's. * Slightly shortenend. - Me: So, this is the design for the new hotel website, as per spec. - Client: Where's the area for my son's rally team? - Me: Huh? Rally team? (Ah yes, I noticed the rally team banner on he old site, but it wasn't in the sitemap) Uhm. This is the website for the hotel. I don't see where the rally team would "fit". - Client: But it's my son's rally team. He's famous for it. - Me: But... what does it have to do with the fact that you own a hotel? - Client: Rally team... My Son... Where? We put it in, and rationalized it by the fact that the hotel sponsors the guy's son. ---- *Not that surprising, seeing that we both work in the (web)design sector.
:bunny: and there was me still puzzling about the fact that I was sure I had started it and had no idea how it seemed to have been started by Garner. We have another Zombie Smudge situation. There was two of thems.
Honest at least. :razz: Here's a whole page of them... I Want You To Want Me / by Jonathan Harris and Sep Kamvar / Highlights
Hsing LMAO at that website; love the following - " *********New Chapter.... Looking for Co-Author********** " Ouch...
At the dinnertable in work today: Dee: The new Twilight movie's coming out soon isn't it? Gemma: Twilight? Oh, right, that's the movies about the Necropheliac who's into Beastiality, right? Table: Silence punctuated by muffled laughter
