Discussion in 'BOARDANIA' started by Electric_Man, Sep 2, 2005.
Those were superb.
Heh, I remember having both of those as my sig.
I wonder how many people here remember that? Or the lightbulb joke ones?
I used to take effort over my sig, changing it every few days. Many, well, years ago now.
Christ. Where does the time go?
Time doesn't go anywhere. It just gets recycled.
What, like aluminium cans and paper?
I'll keep an eye out for the time bank next time i'm down at the shops car park!
It's obvious, How many times have you seen 1.15pm. Thousands I'll bet. It just keeps coming round and round. So be careful what you do with it. Don't throw time away or our days will just get shorter.
What was the last thing Jesus said before he died on the cross?
Leave my bloody easter eggs alone, i'll be back on Sunday.
Sorry, it made me laugh so much i had to share it.
Those were hilarious, Jaccairn! I even put some of them on my Bebo page
An alternate to this that I've done a few times is set all the alarms to the same time, tune them to the same frequency and turn the volume right up. =D
q. Why couldn't Mozart find his piano teacher?
a. Because he was Haydn.
Bad jokes. But they'll make you smile.
Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I
know you can't, I've cut your arms off.
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think its Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb As digging continues into the night.
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.""
You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiance and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them downon the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I don't like her."
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with
contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."
How many internet forum members does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb.
1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
53 to flame the spell checkers.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct.
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum,
and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the
27 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
143 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions
about light bulbs".
1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now
and to start it all over again.
that's one busy forum, but otherwise perfectly typical and ordinary.
I thought this was a joke thread, That sounded like normal practice.
I reposted Marcia's forum lightbulb joke at another forum I'm on. So far the resulting discussion on lightbulbs has run to 111 posts and counting!
So... was that an African or a European lightbulb ?
Oh, we'll accept all sorts. Except LEDs. And halogen bulbs are controversial.
For any Australians reading this, We're talking about Light Globes.
There was a young lady from Madras
Who posessed a magnificent ass
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think
It was grey, had long ears and ate grass
Mary had a little lamb,
its fleece was oh so red,
The reason that she had for this,
was the pick axe in its head!
Mary Had A Little Lamb
Her Father Shot It Dead
And Now It Goes To School With Her
Between 2 Slices Of Bread
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time the boys walked past
they could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt with a split right up the front,
but she doesn’t wear that one much.
A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, “Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?” “Yes, dear,” replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it.” But then when I have a baby, won’t it knock my teeth out?”
just got back from the gym
had a great new machine in there
only at it twenty minutes and felt sick
it had everything
mars bars,snickers crisps ,pepsi
Why did Tigger have his head in the toilet bowl?
He was looking for Pooh.
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Muslim walk into a bar.
What a wonderful example of an integrated community.
[a John Thompson joke, told as a character designed to mock Bernard Manning, a notorious racist]
What's the difference between a North American fairytale and a South American fairytale?
The North American fairytale begins "Once upon a time." The South American fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!"
I sent away ten entries in a pun competition in the hopes that at least one of them would win. No pun in ten did.
Oh my, at first I read that as South American, like Brazil...
you mean America is a whole double continent and not just that big weird country that TV comes from ? I knew they was hiding something :biggrin:
THIS IS NOT A NICE JOKE!! If you are easily offended or even not very easily offended, then blame this joke on a friend of mine.
It may not be as funny written or when sober.
You know what the greatest thing about having sex with twenty six year olds?
There's twenty of them.
its like all those dead baby jokes...disturbing, funny, disturbing because its funny....
Ew, yeah, not nice but it still made me snigger... I just wish it was do-able with a rather more recommendable age, then it would be really funny.
I was reading an article about the oldest jokes around and I liked this one.
One Roman jape dating back to the 1st Century BC details the Emperor Augustus touring his realm and coming across a man who bears a striking resemblance to himself.
Intrigued, he asks the man: "Was your mother at one time in service at the palace?" The man replies: "No your highness, but my father was."
Q. How many software engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None, It's a hardware problem.
An engineer is walking down the road one day, and, seeing a frog on the side of the road, bends down to look at it. Suddenly, it pipes up and talks to him!
"I may look like a frog now, but I'm really a princess - if you kiss me, I'll turn back into my real self!"
The engineer smiles, picks up the frog, puts it in his (pocket protected) shirt pocket and goes on to the lab.
When he gets to the lab, he puts the frog down to get some work done, and she opens her mouth to speak:
"I tell you, I'm a beautiful princess! If you kiss me, I'll turn back, and I'll do anything you want!"
The engineer smiles, and goes on with is work. After he's done, he picks the frog up. She again starts talking to him:
"Look, I'm a princess turned into a frog! If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful woman. I'll do whatever you want! And I'll stay with you forever!"
The engineer peers at the frog, smiles, and tucks it back in his pocket for the walk home. When he gets there, he pulls her out, and she nearly screams at him:
"WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? Here I am, I'm a beautiful princess, I'll do whatever you want, and I'll stay with you forever! Why won't you kiss me??"
The engineer says, "Well, I don't have time for a girlfriend,"...but a talking frog is cool!"
Men have better friends than women
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house, not wanting to drive after drinking. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house, saying he'd had more than a few drinks. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends...
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?'
"Of course my child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs Limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
The priest answered: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not Lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The Official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the Floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, ''You must be single.''
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: ''Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?''
The drunk replied, ''Cause you're ugly.''
Never be in trouble, again. (Visual)
No effort, people. It's visual.
I'm not claiming responsibility for this one. I just thought I'd share it.
Could be a useful purchase.
In that case:
Quiz phone-ins and live game show answers
I suspect some, possibly all, of these have been posted up here before, but this lot arrived in my email today and I just had to share them.
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
THE WEAKEST LINK(BBC2)
Anne Robinson: - Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruthfrom Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
GWR FM ( Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant : I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The...?
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . ...
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?
LINCS FM P HONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific
ROCK FM ( PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER…ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er .... Mexico?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:Er. .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Presenter: That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
This one made me laugh. Honesty isn't always the best thing.
This was told to a friend of mine while he was at a wrestling match. An old man that was sitting next to Brandon and his friend had been talking most of the match when he leaned over and said:
Old man: "What time is it when eleven dogs cross the road?"
My friend just kinda shrugged.
Old man: "Ten after one."
Then he started to laugh so hard he about had a heart attack.
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
* A half-gallon of 2% milk
* A carton of eggs
* A quart of orange juice
* A head of romaine lettuce
* A 2 lb. can of coffee
* and A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Well you know what, you're absolutely right. but how on earth did you know that.'
The drunk replied, 'Because you're ugly.'
You're repeating yourself Red
Have to disagree. It's a different joke, Kat.
The first one didn't have little stars at the start of the list of groceries. :bunny:
Y'know, Joc, since this part of your joculating is done online, shouldn't your screenname be e-Joculator?
(I'm outside already, besides, no-one said they had to be good jokes in this thread...)
She loves me really! The hard part is keeping it secret :biggrin:
However, to continue...
Some questions you can't really answer.
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
My apologies. I just really like this joke. forgot that I had already posted it.
I completely forgot. I tend to forget jokes. In a few months from now, you all can just start reposting your old jokes here, I'll never notice.
A visual feast of comedic and grammatical erroneous scribings from the journalistic archives of the global newspaper industries.
In other words... Some Crazy Headlines
If I'd just typed these out you would never have believed me.
Visual Humour and the link is HERE
The Sensitive Man
A woman met a man in a bar.
They talked; they connected; they ended up leaving together.
They got back to his place, and he showed her around his apartment.
She noticed that one wall of his bedroom was completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There were three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She was quite impressed by his sensitive side, but didn't mention this to him.
They shared a bottle of wine and continued talking and, after a while, she found herself thinking “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?”
She turned to him and kissed him lightly on the lips. He responded warmly.
They continued to kiss, the passion built, he romantically lifted her in his arms and carried her into his bedroom where they ripped off each other's clothes and made hot, steamy love. She was so overwhelmed that she responded with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she had ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they lay there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolled over, gently stroked his chest and asked coyly, “Well, how was it?”
The guy gently smiled at her, stroked her cheek, looked deeply into her eyes, and said…
“Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.”
Sheer brilliance in posting that Joc.
I hate it and love it!
Quality Joc. Loved those headlines.
The Origami Bank has just folded.
Some good advice from Canada...
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
I've just received this from a friend of mine. She's the bagman of a nearby morris side. (We even call the female equivalents bagman for obvious reasons.)...
A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping, unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old arse?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied.
Deserved reply. :razz: Though the pattern is, of course, a bit familiar (the pattern of the joke).
Witty Words of Wisdom
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never eat yellow snow.
Never pet a burning dog.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die.' - Alistair J.R. Young
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.
Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school -- you'll be working for them in the future.
Children's advice for life...
"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
- Rocky, age 9
"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
- Stephanie, age 8
"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
- Lamar, age 10
"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
- Carrol, age 9
"Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11
"Don't ever be too full for dessert."
- Kelly, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
- Joel, age 12
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat."
- Laura, age 13
"Never spit when on a roller coaster."
- Scott, age 11
"Never do pranks at a police station."
- Sam, age 10
"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
- Rob, age 10
"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
- Hank, age 12
"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
- Molly, age 11
"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
- Chelsey, age 7
"Stay away from prunes."
- Randy, age 9
"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
- Phillip, age 13
"Forget the cake, go for the icing."
- Cynthia, age 8
"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
- Matthew, age 12
And the Bonsai bank are having to cut back some of their branches.
Humorously shaped vegetables and other things found in nature
Possibly offensive to some.
Separate names with a comma.