The Joke Thread

Discussion in 'BOARDANIA' started by Electric_Man, Sep 2, 2005.

  1. sleepy_sarge New Member

    Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
    Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
    Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out gut so you can complain and whine even more about getting fat.
    Get in shower.
    Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
    Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
    Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
    Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.
    Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
    Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
    Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
    Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure it has all come off).
    Shave armpits and legs.
    Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
    Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lose the water pressure.
    Turn off shower.
    Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.
    Spray mold spots with Tilex.
    Get out of shower.
    Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
    Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
    Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit.
    Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed areas, then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

    Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile.
    Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her and make "woo"sound.
    Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no).
    Admire size of wiener in the mirror, scratch "privates" and smell fingers for one last whiff.
    Get in the shower.
    Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one).
    Wash face, then armpits.
    Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower.
    Wash privates and surrounding area. Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
    Shampoo hair (do not use conditioner).
    Make a shampoo Mohawk.
    Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
    Pee (in the shower).
    Rinse off and get out of the shower.
    Fail to notice water on floor because you left curtain hanging out of tub the whole time.
    Partially dry off.
    Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles.
    Admire wiener size again.
    Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on floor.
    Leave bathroom fan and light on.
    Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
    Throw wet towel on the bed.
    Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
  2. Willmolly3 New Member

    That is so true!
  3. Bob New Member

    :lol: :lol:

    Now I know what to do for when I get married :)

  4. Smoking_GNU New Member

    A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they
    were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the
    champagne and began undressing.
    When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's
    wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. "I had
    tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No,
    tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
    When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
    "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As
    a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked.
    " No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
    The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the
    undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell
    me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"
    :D :D :D
  5. Perdita New Member


    Very good!
  6. Cynth New Member

    Long but so funny....

    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
    Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
    Here's what happened:
    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
    "He's just lying here looking sick," he told me.
    "I'm serious, Mom. Can you help?
    "I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
    "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
    "Oh my gosh," my husband diagnosed after a minute.
    "She's having babies."
    "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Dad!"
    I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my husband.
    "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" he inquired. (I actually think he said this sarcastically!)
    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded him, (in my most
    loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," He informed
    me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth.
    " OH, Gross!" they shrieked.
    Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my husband wanted to know. (I really do think he was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
    We peered at the patient. After much uggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
    "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
    "Its breech," my husband whispered, horrified.
    "Do something, Mom!" my son urged.
    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
    appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
    times with the same results.
    "Should I call 911?" my eldest son wanted to know.
    "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with
    the men in my house?)
    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son
    holding the cage in his lap.
    "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
    "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his father noted to him. (Men can be so
    cruel to their own young. I mean what he does to me is one thing, but this
    boy is of his loins, for God's sake.)
    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
    "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my husband asked.
    "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species,they .um....masturbate.
    Just the way he did, lying on his back. "He blushed, glancing at my husband.
    "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mrs Cameron."
    We were silent, absorbing this.
    "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my husband offered.
    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then
    my vicious, cruel husband started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh
    "What's so funny?" I demanded knowing, but not believing that the man I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless femininity.
    Tears were now running down his face.
    "It's just...that...I'm picturing... you pulling on it''s...teeny little..." he gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
    "That's enough," I warned.
    We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Mom," he told me.
    "Oh, you have NO idea," my husband agreed, collapsing with laughter.
    2 - Lizards - $140...
    1 - Cage - $50...
    Trip to the Vet - $30...
    Memory of your wife pulling on a lizard's wacker. Priceless!!! Doesn't
    everyone know lizards lay eggs???
  7. colonesque10 New Member

    Doors at the pirate game :D

    Also Why are crocodiles brown and flat?
    Because if they were yellow and round, they'd be lemons. :D
  8. Faerie New Member

    A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you" She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
    #1, you have to be single and
    #2, you must be Catholic."
    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
    The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
  9. spiky Bar Wench


    Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

    He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

    "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

    His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

    Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
  10. OmKranti Yogi Wench

    I love that one.

    Hey, does anyone know the end of the joke from "The Breakfast Club" where Judd Nelson (Criminal) is crawling through the celing and starts telling a joke 'A naked woman walks into a bar, the bartender looks up and says....Ahhhhhhhhh' and he falls throught the celing?
  11. sleepy_sarge New Member

    Could have been one of several, like....

    A naked woman walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "what would you like?"

    She replies, "Gimme a beer."

    The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"

    To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"
  12. OmKranti Yogi Wench

    Press: Mr. President, what are your opinions on Roe vs. Wade?

    Bush: I believe that any way to get out of New Orleans is fine by me.
  13. Hsing Moderator

    Ouch! It took me about a minute to get that.
  14. Pixel New Member

    [quote:6efbb86844="OmKranti"]Press: Mr. President, what are your opinions on Roe vs. Wade?

    Bush: I believe that any way to get out of New Orleans is fine by me.[/quote:6efbb86844]

    And just to prove that I am not a totally insular "no knowledge about the rest of the world" Brit - maybe this could have gone into the abortion debate going on in aother thread? :) OK - only joking.
  15. spiky Bar Wench

    This is one my boyfriend's mum sent him. Needless to see it weirded him out a little...

    A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"

    The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

    So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

    The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "whats the matter with you?"

    The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

    The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"

    The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaarrrrk much water did you drink?!!"
  16. TheJackal Member

    A man is walking past a lunatic asylum when he overhears a big crowd of inmates shouting over and over "13, 13, 13".
    His curiousity gets the better of him, so the man decides to stand on a box nearby and peer in through a barred window.
    Just as he looks in, a finger jabs him in the eye.
    Falling off the box and screaming in pain, the inmates start up a new chant: "14, 14, 14...."
  17. colonesque10 New Member

    I heard this joke drunk in the pub on friday night so you'll have to bear with me.

    A man's walking past another mans room in a hotel, the doors open. He walks into the room and finds the man standing on the balcony looking at the view.

    "Great view" Says the man who'd just walked into the room.
    "Yeah it is" Says the other man, a little taken a back by the stranger.
    "If you look down there you can see the second floor bar...see"
    "Oh yes, and what about it" Says the room owner.
    "I bet you I could jump down and get us both a pint from that bar" Says the stranger "I bet you a pint"
    "NO WAY" Says the man "It's 6 stories down"
    "I bet you I can" says the stranger
    "Ok, prove it"

    The stranger jumps out of the window stops abruptly at the second floor, goes the bar and returns to the room with a pint for them.
    "Amazing" Says the man "How did you do that"
    "Easy" says the stranger "Anyone can do it in this humid climate"
    "I don't believe that" says the man
    "I'll do it again to prove it you then, then you can do to"

    Again the stranger jumps out of the window stops abruptly at the second floor, goes the bar and returns to the room with a pint for them

    "Okay i'll do it" says the room owner.

    He jumps out of the window goes sailing past the second floor and splats on the floor.

    A few minutes later the stranger goes down to the bar and asks the barman for a pint.

    "tut tut" the barman says "your a bastard when you've had a pint superman. :D
  18. Bradthewonderllama New Member

    Ahhh, good jokes are international!
  19. spiky Bar Wench

    My boyfriend told me this joke. Its really lame and I apologise in advance...

    I went to the zoo the other day.

    It had a dog.

    It was a shitzu.

    I did warn you.
  20. BadAnnie New Member

    Todays lesson on important historical figures:

    Ghandi was a great man. He walked barefoot everwhere he went. He prayed at least 12 hours a day. He only ever ate rice and drank water.

    Therefore you could him a .....

    *cue music*

  21. OmKranti Yogi Wench

    My mother loves that joke.
  22. Bradthewonderllama New Member

    Soviet era humor (-:

    It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed. The leaders shook hands.

    Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:

    "Private Jones! Front and center."

    Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.

    "Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff."

    Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

    "Private Jones! Jump!"

    Jones just stood there, unmoving.

    "Private Jones! I said jump!"

    The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.

    "Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Private Jones wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife--and a family!"

    The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Reagan backed off in disgrace. It was now Gorbachev's turn.

    "Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center."

    Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.

    "Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff."

    Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

    "Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!"

    Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.

    By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.

    As Dmitrivich is carried passed Private Jones, Jones cannot resist asking him:

    "Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?"

    Dmitrivich answered: "I had to! I have a wife--and a family!"
  23. shadowgirl New Member

  24. shadowgirl New Member

    There was a bank worker named Patricia Whack. One day, a frog came up to her desk and said

    "Hello. I really need a loan.", the frog croaked.

    "Sorry, but we don't give loans to frogs." Patricia told him.

    "Please help me out. Here is a paper weight. Take it as a deposit."

    "I'm sorry, I can't help you."

    "Well, listen, right. My dad is Mick Jagger, and I really need this loan." the frog begged.

    Patricia asked the frog to wait and went to see her manager. She told him what had happened, that the frog claimed his father was Mick Jagger and presented the paper weight.

    "I mean, what is it?" she tutted.
    Her manager sighed and said:

    Wait for it.............

    "It's a nick nack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
  25. OmKranti Yogi Wench

    I think I might have heard that joke when I was about 12 years old. Funny how some things never die.

    Ok, joke for you.

    A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
    The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma.
    The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
    "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
    A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
    Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
  26. Hermia New Member

    OmKranti, your sig made me laugh more than all of the jokes put together! :D
  27. Pixel New Member

    A little collection I received from a (female) friend (sexism, anybody?):

    Never try to outsmart a woman!
    There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
    And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and the rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?
    "I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

    Women Are Smarter Than Men
    Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!

    Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective)
    I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

    Wife Vs Husband
    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

    Stupid And Beautiful
    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

    The Beast
    Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me." So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a mouse?"

    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"
  28. colonesque10 New Member

  29. Electric_Man Templar

    What do you call a squeeky voiced who can't go on msn?

  30. colonesque10 New Member

    [quote:e1e5f91aab="Electric_Man"]What do you call a squeeky voiced who can't go on msn?


    Only my Mum is allowed to call me Kenneth, Ben. Also please refrain from using that kind of language when children may be online, Kenneth is a terrible word. :)
  31. Pixel New Member

    [quote:2a1e439a35="colonesque10"][quote:2a1e439a35="Electric_Man"]What do you call a squeeky voiced who can't go on msn?


    Only my Mum is allowed to call me Kenneth, Ben. Also please refrain from using that kind of language when children may be online, Kenneth is a terrible word. :)[/quote:2a1e439a35]

    There's nothing wrong with the name Kenneth! It's a perfectly good name!

    OK, I will admit to bias here - it's my second forename.
  32. koshu New Member

    A little boy and his parents decide to go to the beach for the afternoon.
    Wen they get there they getr told it's a nudist beach, but the decide to go in any way.

    Once inside the little boy runs off to go play i9n the sea, his mom decided to tan and his father decided to go fo a walk.

    Half an hour later the boy comes back to his mom with a puzzled expression on his face. He says to his mom "mom I just saw a guy with a bigger c**k than dad!". the mother laughs and says to him"the bigger they are the dumber the are". so the boy thinks about this for a minute then just goes off again to play

    After another half hour he comes back again and says to his mom "mom I just saw a lady with bigger boobs than you!" this time the mother dosen't laugh and she says "like I said earlier the bigger they are the dumber they are." So the boy thinks again and runs off to play.

    When he comes back after a few hours playing, he says to his mom
    "Mom guess wat? I just saw dad talking to the dumbest lady I've ever seen and the more he spoke the dumber he got!!!!!! :lol:
  33. colonesque10 New Member

    [quote:3faae9ff36="Pixel"][quote:3faae9ff36="colonesque10"][quote:3faae9ff36="Electric_Man"]What do you call a squeeky voiced who can't go on msn?


    Only my Mum is allowed to call me Kenneth, Ben. Also please refrain from using that kind of language when children may be online, Kenneth is a terrible word. :)[/quote:3faae9ff36]

    There's nothing wrong with the name Kenneth! It's a perfectly good name!

    OK, I will admit to bias here - it's my second forename.[/quote:3faae9ff36]

    The name brings back memories for me of my childhood when I was being shouted at or had something wrong, thats why I dislike it. I still use the name on all offical documentation but I prefer to be known as FOOL to my friends or maybe Kendotron, whichever's cooler. :)
  34. OmKranti Yogi Wench

  35. Silvermoth New Member

    Heres a joke Ricky Gervais said on "Extras" last night...

    Q: What is E.T short for?

    A: He's got little legs!

    :p ;) :roll: :eek:
  36. TheJackal Member

    I'm reviving this old thread...


    Day 183 of my captivity...

    My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape. And the mild satisfactionI get from clawing the furniture.

    Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.

    In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed or car

    Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan...

    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released outside the perimeter of the prison and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

    The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, referred to by my captives as the "kitchen", his safety from me is assured.

    But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...
  37. Bradthewonderllama New Member

    *chuckle* Jackal, did you get the accompanying Dog's diary?
  38. TheJackal Member

    [quote:bb6ed9402b="Bradthewonderllama"]*chuckle* Jackal, did you get the accompanying Dog's diary?[/quote:bb6ed9402b]

    Yeah, I saw the dog bit but didn't think it was that funny, even as a comparison of how dumb they are compared to cats.
  39. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Yay! A joke thread well I don't know if you've seen these offerings of a few light-hearted stories, but the theme is "The things kids say..." It's a selection of UK and US stories.

    1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat,but it was dead.
    "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
    "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
    "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
    "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

    2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
    Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
    "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
    "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
    Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
    "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
    "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
    Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
    "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

    3. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
    The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug."I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
    A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice..."The big sissy."

    4. A little boy was doing his math homework.
    He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
    "Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
    His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
    The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
    "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
    "Yes," he answered.
    Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
    The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
    The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
    After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

    5. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
    The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
    One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
    The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

    6. Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
    "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
    The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
    "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

    Okay, I'll admit that last joke is in bad taste, especially to English sports fans. :)
  40. KaptenKaries New Member

    An old one, as far as I know originally told by Eddie Murphy.

    A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods.

    The bear asks the rabbit
    "Excuse me, do you have problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

    The rabbit looks at the bear and says
    "What? No, I don't have problem with shit sticking to my fur."

    So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
  41. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    But there's always someone who hasn't heard them KK :D
  42. Angua_rox New Member

    I hadn't heard it :D

    Ok the worst joke ever -

    Two drums and a cymbal fall off a roof.

    Buh-dum bum tccccch!

    I did tell you it was bad. . .
  43. nightguard5008 New Member

    [quote:65d37c834a="Pixel"][quote:65d37c834a="colonesque10"][quote:65d37c834a="Electric_Man"]What do you call a squeeky voiced who can't go on msn?


    Only my Mum is allowed to call me Kenneth, Ben. Also please refrain from using that kind of language when children may be online, Kenneth is a terrible word. :)[/quote:65d37c834a]

    There's nothing wrong with the name Kenneth! It's a perfectly good name!

    OK, I will admit to bias here - it's my second forename.[/quote:65d37c834a]
    It's my first although I prefer Ken. :shock:
  44. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Duplicate posting of my own post- deleted by me.
    What a wally!
  45. Delphine New Member

    I have indeed seen them Joculator... a few posts above, in fact :) Why did you post them twice?

    Also, that joke about Chicken Little... it's similar to one I heard somewhere else.

    Two sausages in a frying pan. One says to the other: 'God, it's hot in here.'
    The second one replies: 'Bloody hell, a talking sausage!'

  46. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Ooops... that's what I get for not paying attention.
    Sorry everyone, that should have been a different set of stories. I'll delete one of them to save space.
    Crawls away in shame (exits stage left) :roll:
  47. Bradthewonderllama New Member

    Two goldfish are in a tank.
    One looks to the other and says
    "You man the gun, I'll drive!"
  48. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire organized a world-wide joke competition. Here are the first and second prize winners for you to judge.

    [color=green:607c42d5ab]The Winner:[/color:607c42d5ab]

    A couple of hunters were out in the woods when one of them fell to the ground. He didn't appear to be breathing and his eyes were rolled back in his head. His companion whipped out his cell phone and called the emergency services
    Agitatedly he told the operator: "My friend is dead! What should I do?"
    The operator, in a calm soothing voice said: "Just take it easy. I can help. First of all, let's make sure he's dead."
    There was a silence, then the operator heard a shot.
    The guy's voice came back on the line saying: "OK, now what?"

    [color=darkred:607c42d5ab]The Runnner-up:[/color:607c42d5ab]

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Holmes woke his faithful friend and said, "Watson, look up at the sky. Describe what you see and what it tells you"
    "I see myriad stars" said Watson, "Astronomically, that tells me that there are many millions of galaxies out there, and perhaps billions of planets. Astrologically, I see that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I can predict that we will have a beautiful day. Philosophically, I can see that we are but a tiny and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
    Holmes gives a sigh, "It tells me, Watson, that some bastard has stolen our tent!"

    Personally, I am not convinced this is the best they found.
  49. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    I'm not convinced either. I've heard both of those before, though, admittedly, they both made me laugh a lot the first time I heard them.
  50. Dane New Member

    I heard this from a friend the other day, i can't stop chuckling when i tell it to people.

    A man walks into a pub and orders seventeen shots of vodka, the bardman lines up the glasses and fills them all.

    the man Knocks them all back as quick as he can, the bar man says

    'your drinking a bit fast aren't you!?'

    he replys with 'so would you if you had what i have'

    'whats that then?' the barman asks

    'fifty pence' he replies
  51. Ozzer New Member

    A pirate walks into a bar with the helm of a ship attached to his crotch region. The bartender looks at him in horror and says, "Doesn't that hurt?" The pirate says, "Arrrr, it drives me nuts!" :yarr:

    I don't usually tell blonde jokes, but my little sister brought these next two home and they've kind of stuck around...

    A Russian, American, and a blonde are sitting around chatting. The Russian says, "You know, we were the first ones into space." The American comes back with, "Well, we were the first ones to the moon!" The blonde says, "Yeah? Well, we're gonna be the first ones to the sun!" The Russian and the American exchange glances and one of them asks, "How will that work? You'll burn up long before you get there!" The blonde says, "Duh! We'll go at NIGHT."

    Two blondes are lying in a field looking up at the night sky. One of them says, "I wonder which is closer--the moon, or Florida?" The other one says, "Helloooo--can you SEE Florida?"

    And (sadly) one of my family's favorites:

    A family had three children: Lily, Rose, and Cinderblock. One day, Lily went to her dad and said, "Dad? Why is my name Lily?" And her dad said, "Well, because when you were born, a lily petal fell on your head." The next day Rose went to her dad and asked the same thing, only of course it was a rose petal that fell on her head. Cinderblock went to her dad and said, "Hrrearaah!"
  52. Joculator The 'Old' Fool

    Nice selection Dane & Ozzer. :lol:

    I think you might find this one funny although it may be considered politically incorrect...

    Fred had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night celebrating his birthday.
    Dave, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Fred".
    Fred replies "OK Dave, I'll be on my way then."
    He spins around on his stool, steps off and falls flat on his face.
    "Bugger!" he says and pulls himself up to the nearest stool and dusts himself off.
    He takes another step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
    He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
    He crawls to the door and climbs up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air. Feeling much better he takes a step out onto the street... and falls flat on his face.
    He can see his house just a few doors down. He eventually crawls to the door, climbs up the door frame, opens the door and immediately falls inside. He looks up the stairs and takes a deep breath. Eventually he crawls up to his bedroom, climbs up the door frame, says to himself, "I can make it to the bed" and falls into the room, flat on his face.
    He crawls across the room and finally falls into bed.

    The next morning his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says,"Time to get up Fred. You must’ve had a bit to drink last night?".
    Fred says, "I did Jess. I was absolutely pissed. But how'd you know?”
    "Ah well…” she said. “Dave phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
  53. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    The Cinderblock joke caused much laughter in the Garner household.
  54. missy New Member

    How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? 2 but they need to be thinly sliced.

    Sorry but a funny scottish bloke at work just came up to me and said it, i don't know him and have only seen him a couple of times. Just thought it was worth a mention.
  55. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    I just laughed so much I woke up Garner.
  56. Katcal I Aten't French !

    That kind of redefines what makes a joke good :D

    It's not a joke exactly, but I'm laughing hard at my work this morning, we are sending out a newsletter and the first article is about a talking dictionary made by a korean company that thought that "PowerDic" would be a good name for it... :lol:
  57. KaptenKaries New Member

    There is an unending amount of hilarities due to language barriers. One that recieved much attention in Sweden was the launch of Honda's model, Honda Fitta, later renamed Honda Jazz in Europe, because [i:148bde4af9]fitta[/i:148bde4af9] is a vulgar term for female genitals in Swedish (and I believe in Norwegian and Danish as well). The origin of this Swedish word is disputed, but the most popular theory is that it comes from the old norse word [i:148bde4af9]fita[/i:148bde4af9], meaning wet meadow or march.

    Of course, many one-liners appeared, making fun of the car. Most of these were not funny. I would paste some of the good ones, but those are also the most explicit ones, so I think I'll pass.

    Instead, I'll treat you with this one about IKEA:

    A young newly wed woman had just bought a new IKEA wardrobe. When arriving at home, she went into her bedroom and started assembling the new furniture.

    Just when she'd finished building the wardrobe, a bus passed outside her bedroom window and the wardrobe fell to bits.

    The puzzled woman scratched her hair, but decided to reassemble the wardrobe again. Soon thereafter, the next bus arrived and the wardrobe fell like a house of cards. Irritated, the woman called up IKEA on the phone and told them her story. IKEA, embarrassed about this issue, promised to send out a carpenter to help her with her furniture.

    Not long thereafter, the carpenter arrived and quickly assembled the wardrobe, but just as he put his tools down the wardrobe collapsed again. Curious to find out what was happening, the carpenter built up the wardrobe again, but this time entered the wardrobe and closed the door to see from the inside what was malfunctioning.

    At this moment, the woman's husband arrived at home. Entering the bedroom, he admired the outside of the furniture, and commended his wife on her good taste. But when he opened the door to inspect the inside, his smile vanished and he stood there, shocked, staring at the carpenter.

    And the carpenter says:
    "I'm sure you won't believe me, but I'm only standing here waiting for the bus."
  58. Maljonic Administrator

    A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

    The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: “Sure. Why not?”

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his O2 XDA, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
    ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says: “You have exactly 1586 sheep.”

    “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.”, says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? ”

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:“Okay, why not?”

    “You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.

    “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

    “No guessing required”, answered the shepherd.

    “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know crap about my business… Now give me back my dog.”
  59. KaptenKaries New Member

    That's a classic, that one, Mal! :-D
  60. Maljonic Administrator

    Someone posted it on a computer-related website I go on, I thought it was quite funny so I brought it here. :)

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