So the story goes that my good friend from uni broke up from my husbands good friend and ex-housemate in early August last year. She was broken up about it but he has just got engaged to someone else and the weddings in May... This has put a large group of his friends in the awkward position of being friends with him and my friend. The new girl is a member of some happy-clapper religion that doesn't drink, smoke, swear or have sex before marriage. We think this explains the undue haste in the wedding... but the wedding is dry. Honestly a dry wedding and reception!!! Would you BYO to the reception or not?
I wouldn't, but would make a hasty retreat after the vows. Maybe keep a little in the car to make the reception a little easier to deal with. Or you could go for option C, which is to get hammered before the wedding so that you won't even have to worry about drinking during or after it. My personal favorite is to have a "cold" and go to the bar, skipping the wedding entirely and just offering best wishes and apologies later.
The groom wouldn't want him sneezing on the ring and then them spend the honeymoon with the sniffles, now would he? See, problem solved. Razor's Oakum. Simplest solution is always the best. The grooms dad/brother/next best friend steps in and wedding saved and you get to keep your sanity. Or your manatee, whichever. PS. Nate shouldn't post after drinking. Or should he.....?
Ach, awkward indeed... Not being much of a drinker myself, I must admit I wouldn't have much of a problem, but I can see the dilemma for you alcoholic dudes :bunny:. I would say definitely don't BYO, if she's really into this religion then there's a good chance her family and friends may be too, and you would probably offend them which is not the best thing to do at a wedding. Now, by all means, bring some along and leave it in the car, slip out for a quick tipple if you need one, but I'd say keep it discreet and try not to get too hammered. It is actually possible to enjoy a wedding without drinking yourself senseless! :lol:
All weddings suck really, so I'd duck out of it completely if possible. Otherwise the old 'medicine bottle for my cold' should do well too .. a bottle of Benadryl or similar cough syrup with not-so-innocent contents
Well... Garner and I had a dry wedding. I don't drink, he and his family include recovering alcoholics and the wedding took place on Methodist premises, where alcohol isn't allowed. Most of the guests had a great time. The only downer in my day was our one friend who spent his time ducking out for sips of whisky from the hipflask, deliberately saying offensive things to people he thought were shockable (at our rehearsal dinner he'd been just as bad, talking about oral sex to my elderly grandparents), getting pissed off with Garner when asked to remove his vampire fangs while sitting in church... Bear in mind this guy was one of the groomsmen. I don't expect any of my friends to share my religious beliefs but I damn well expect some respect on a day like that. I was sad that he didn't take seriously what I believe in and sorry for him that his need for alcohol overcame his ability to have fun with us on our special day. I mean, come on, Doors managed and he's from Glasgow! So, yeah, my (probably slightly unpopular) opinion is that you should suck it up and stay sober. How hard can it be to have fun without alcohol? How hard can it be to show some respect even if you don't like one of the couple and don't agree with their religious beliefs?
I haven't gone to a wedding in a couple of years now. I just really hate going to weddings. I have never been to a wedding that served alcohol and have never brought my own. There have been several weddings where this was much regretted. Nevertheless, Grace is right. Just remember that the wedding is only a couple of hours long. You can make it. Or not. We'll find out though won't we.
When I (very timidly) suggested a dry wedding - in order to save cash, not because of any personal principle - our family and friends quickly indicated that if that's the case, then I'll be having a wedding all by myself, while everyone else will be partying at an alternate location, with or without the bride :wink: To Spiky - my sympathy to your friend, hope she finds someone cool very soon! As for the wedding - either the hosts are going to work extra hard to help the guests break the ice and enjoy themselves (in which case - hey, have fun! :smile, or it's going to be dull yet mercifully brief (in which case - get in, get out, go have fun elsewhere!) Just wondering - is there going to be dancing?
... Come to think of it, even though we ended up having our wedding at an Irish-themed bar, no one ended up crazy-inebriated (except for one friend who only talks about real estate at parties, and there were no other real-estaters amongst the guests)... I'm guessing that there were enough ice-breakers, such as the fact that Brad and I didn't have any time to prepare our officiating frend for the ceremony, and so he kept asking us, in low voice: "Okay, now what am I supposed to say?"...
The whole drinking thing at the wedding wasn't so much of a getting roaring drunk type thing but more this is going to be an all day affair and discussion did centre around whether the group of usual suspects would include something in the car in case it was needed or whether we go to a bar between wedding and reception etc... It can be a dry wedding but is any alcohol consumption inappropriate?
I think escaping to a bar is perfectly acceptable. Taking a bottle in to either ceremony or reception and having a few or eight in front of the bride and family may be a bit disrespectful. The same goes for getting plastered and then showing up. It is their day so it's probably best to not cause any fuss. A buddy of mine had a Camelbak ( CamelBak - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia ) from his time in the army. It enabled him to drink quite stealthily when he wore baggy enough clothes. Even at work. Just something to think about.....
I wouldn't think it was an issue if you'd had a couple of drinks between the wedding and reception. If you're not getting drunk, it's only like having a couple of cokes or cups of tea or something. Although I still don't understand the need for alcohol, but then I don't drink!
Although a friend did point out that you can never get the alcohol taste out of it if you actually want to use it for its intended purposes, i.e. drinking while cycling. Unless you want vodka flavoured water its best to have a dedicated alcohol camelback. Just a thought.
....Why would people use something so wonderful for anything else but sweet, sweet booze? I swear I don't understand humanity anymore...
Shit, I totally missed all of that. I should pay more attention! But, and i know people won't expect this, i agree with everything else grace says about it! I can't see why it would be a big deal not to drink for a day. I think that people often have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, that there's a feeling that fun and sober are not compatible words. In all honesty, i can't remember the last time i got drunk. There's no real reason for it, i've not taken a vow of sobriety or anything. I just don't often feel the need to get drunk. (in saying that, i'm going to tenerife for 2 weeks in august. i don't forsee a major amount of being sober...) But, yeah. I can't see why anyone would be annoyed at having to go to a wedding, and be dry. I don't think it's something that would be awkward. Surely it's everyones perogative to have the wedding they want? (unless you're a man. then you get the wedding the woman wants). Sorry dudes, but I just don't see what the problem is at all!
not bothering to read what anyone else says because you're all so deathly boring: no i wouldn't. even when i was drinking myself stupid just to make the days go by faster, i wouldn't have. if i found myself thinking 'i'll just take a bottle with me and nip from it outside or when no one's looking', i would have immediately followed it up with the thought "holy fucking shit i've turned into a spineless, limpdicked alcoholic who's enslaved to the bottle." i saw a book at a maternity store in the states, i forget the title but it was a self-help book to guide expecting mothers on how to have fun during the 40 weeks when they couldn't have a drink, and i believe it included a note that some studies had shown the occasional drink was okay. i mean, okay, i used to stay out of my head on principle, and was quite happy in my efforts to drink and smoke myself to an early grave because i had nothing else to really live for at the time. but you know what, i never ONCE said 'i need to bring alcohol/drugs/other to this to have fun.' if my friend, even if he'd just fucked over another good friend, was getting married and having a dry reception, even while i was a drinker/borderline alcoholic, i'd have stayed sober out of respect and good manners. sure, i'd have gone home early - but because i hate being outside my little cave, not because i'd need to drink. that you even have to ask? crawl back into whatever hole you slunk out of.
I honestly don't find alcohol at a wedding to be a requirement in any way, shape, or form. Nor do I see it as a requirement at any other important event, social or otherwise. And I come from a religion that does allow alcohol. Sometimes, it even encourages its consumption. But if you can't enjoy the wedding without alcohol... I'm with Clay on this one, it's not exactly a healthy view. And nipping out for a hidden drink... yeah, that's just a little scary.
I was thinking along similar lines... Umm, thankyou? welcome back? Were the insults really necessary?
How could I forget? ^_^ Must we make exceptions though? If a newbie came in and strted insulting everyone they'd be told off quick smart. Just because it's Garner doesn't make it acceptable - and I know i'll be smote/smited/sporked for saying something like that, but it's bloody well true all the same.
We may be coming up against cultural differences, although being an alcoholic may come into it. I have never encountered a dry wedding before unless it was for a religion that banned alcohol. Even then when Sam the muslim Jordanian married Marina the Russian Orthodox it wasn't a dry wedding. This whole wedding is socially awkward and alcohol is the true blue Australian social lubricant (we have one of the world's highest per capita alcohol consumption). Its interesting that so many other people have encountered the dry wedding. My concern was for the social ettiquette around a dry wedding rather than saying that you can't enjoy a social occassion without alcohol. I do it all the time but never at a wedding.
This is because if a newbie did it, that would be different. The way you speak to people you know well is different from the way you speak to people you don't know very well. A newbie behaving like this would be like a new kid at school or the new guy at the office throwing insults around. Old colleagues might insult each other, but it would be out of line coming from a new guy. This community is exactly that - a community. Many people here have worked hard to make this more than the usual fly-by-night messageboard on the web and, as a result, we have a functioning society here. I agree that what Garner said was rude and over the top. But I know Garner (as do the others joining in this thread), and know that this hyperbolic style is part of his humour and part of the way he always communicates. Garner knows Spiky and knows that she's humorous and thick-skinned enough to be able to take what he says with a pinch of salt. As usual, I still don't think it was necessary for him to speak like that (and I can hardly believe we're covering this ground again), but actually it's precisely because it's Garner who said it that makes it acceptable, if bad-mannered. So, in short, it's not exactly that we make exceptions; but in human society, one earns the individual understanding and familiarity to be able to speak in a different way to a friend from how one would speak to a stranger. A newbie is equal in value to a long-time member, but not equal in established relationships and how well we know each other. This is not me smiting you, it's me refuting your argument with one of the founding ideals of this community.
I see Grace beat me to this, but what the heck... The big difference between if a newbie posted like than and if i posted like that is that i'm not a newbie. That does not make me a better person, that does not excuse bad behaviour on my part, but it does mean that i am not subject to the same rules and judgements as an outsider. this is not privledge or clique, this is just being able to make a more complete judgement based on experience. the community knows me, and can judge me by my track record. they do not know a newcomer, and thus cannot be so sure when they say "ah, he probably meant that in a good way" now, i'm sorely sorely tempted to pointedly apologise to spiky for any offence caused and deliberately not apologise to gypsy. this is actually an improvement from my earlier idea of "i'm sorry you got so offended for comments i said to someone else, you dumbass", so I think its important to recognize where i'm making an effort. and speaking of that effort, here it is: Gypsy, you have a point. It's not a perfect one, but it's worth recognising. I'm sorry if you were offended by what I said. Spiky, likewise to you I'm sorry if my previous post was offensive. I did intend for it to be over the top, but i trusted that it was not to such an extreme that it was not without at least aesthetic merit. To summarise my earlier point as succiently as possible: If you intend to attend a social function that is specificly 'dry', it is a gross violation of manners to attend with alcohol. I would find it still offending, though not as severely, to attend after having consumed alcohol, as you would be noticable for it even if only by the odor on your breath and skin. i would not find it a violation of manners to excuse yourself early and leave to consume alcohol. it would sadden me, were i hosting such a function, that you felt the need to go and drink, but i would appreciate the respect you showed me. because the event in question is a wedding, a day that must absolutely focus on the new family being formed, to offend against their wishes with such bad manners is anathema to me. note that this is not due to personal experiences at my own wedding, but it may in fact be coloured by my shame at my own behaviour at the weddings of others. So there you have it, that's my take on the matter. You bastards.
Do you know, the thought of a dry wedding never even occured to me...must be the Irishness engrained in me. But personally, I don't see the problem in drinking soft drinks for the night. It's the bride's wishes, and it's the bride's day, and you are there to celebrate her wedding...invited by her and the hubby to be. I think it would be kind of rude to drink, especially if the family is like that too. It's only a couple of hours and you might just find that if you do drink (either CamelBak or sneaky naggin in the purse, you stand out like a sore thumb). Just my 2 cents.
That's where you're wrong, Clay. I've not been the groom, but I've been to many weddings and the groom didn't look forward to the day in any one of those circumstances. They were looking forward to the idea of marriage, but not the wedding itself. Or they were looking forward to the honeymoon, with or without the marriage happening. The groom is purely along for the ride. When/if I get married, I will come to the marriage day with that thought thoroughly instilled in me by my sister, sister-in-law, and various other female friends and acquaintances. I am personally just hoping to be able to elope and let the rest of it go. Purely practical reasons on my part though, spend the money on the honeymoon, not the procession.
True...but I don't think the groom spends half their lifetime wondering what kind of dress they'd wear. Which is why, if I ever do get married (read: meet a man I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life with) I'm going to Vegas! Elvis in the white jump suit...how much better could it get!
Nate, would you like to step over here for a moment, I'd like to introduce you and your testicles to my friend Mr Cricket Bat.
I do recognize and appreciate athat the wedding day is something that most every bride has put lots of thoughts and dreams into throughout most of her life, and because of this i think most grooms would be dignified enough to cater to their new partner's desires, but the point is that a wedding is a union of two people into a new family and a new life together. I objected to a few things in the planning of our wedding, and fortunately Grace had the patience to put up with me and explain her case in such a way as to inform me where I was using faulty logic (a particular case in point was that a 'white wedding' need not exclude off-white dresses; especially where white dresses leave the bride looking pale and washed out). However, Grace also had the forethought and commitment to our relationship that where I really had strong feelings on something, we were able to accomodate my wishes (such as singing Amazing Grace, though with the condition that the officiator noted Grace's objection prior to launching into the song). The best compromises ensure that everyone *is* happy.
Well first to Garner: I wasn't so much offended as taken aback by the... I guess vehemence is the right word. This thread was meant to be me having a bit of a vent over the whole situation. To add some context it was left to me to tell her that her ex of less than 6 months was marrying someone else when the reason they broke up was that he said he wasn't ready to get married and have kids... The whole dry wedding thing was just the icing on the cake in terms of weirdness and feeling like the world had gone mad. It must be true that the world's gone mad cos we're having deep seated arguments over whether drinking at a wedding is OK. Yes its one day, yes its the bride and grooms wishes (although the groom only forsook alcohol a month ago up till then he was a perfectly good drinking buddy), and yes we won't be drinking at the wedding. We don't have the details yet of timing but there is a lot of distance between the wedding and the reception but we don't know timing, all talk of having drinks between events was purely speculative. To repeat the thread was to vent and to guage the ettiquette surrounding a dry wedding but I guess I framed it wrong in my original post. I'd just like to add: Nate and Maze both seem to want to elope to Vegas. I say they meet there for a blind wedding.
That seems to happen surprisingly often. Sucks to be the messenger. Cultural differences are often thrown into light by events like a wedding. One of the arguments Garner and I had was when I said I wanted to get married in a Methodist chapel, and he said he would rather get married in an Anglican one. I pointed out that the church I wanted to get married in was the one where I grew up and that I am a regularly worshipping Methodist, whereas his connections with the Episcopal Church are purely historical at this point. He still wasn't happy with the situation - until it turned out that what he was imagining was way off base. Garner, being a total snob, wanted to get married in a church that looked churchy and not like 'a tin shack'. His experience of Methodist chapels in Georgia was that they were mostly modern brick buildings barely distinguishable from an office block. When I explained that the building I had in mind was Victorian Gothic with pews, wooden furniture, steeple etc, he was quite happy.
For the record, some Methodist churches in the states are alright. the ones built before about 1850 anyway.
The Methodist church in my town is a modern one, all weathered cedar, weird angled rooflines, and one of the most peaceful sanctuaries of any church I have ever been in. I do regret they tore down the old one where I was baptised, but the new one has the advantage of being big enough for the present congregation, where the old one was awfully crowded. Spiky, I hope you and your hubby have a better time at the wedding then you anticipate now. The awkward moments in life can just get you sometimes, but in the long run they usually work out. The wedding may be the beginning of a rewarding friendship between your families or it may be the last hurrah, all that will come as it comes. At my highschool reunion this summer I was just at the beginning of my relationship with Adam, I was happily telling a classmate about him when her husband told me that my new boyfriend had sued him previously, I guess that rules getting together with that couple out. I would have had a dry wedding, Jon told me he had already drank his share and I wasn't much of a drinker even then, but my dad was paying the piper as they say and he wanted to serve beer. I think it was more a way of showing he could afford to give me a nice wedding then anything else. A wedding without booze isn't at all unheard of, most of the ones I have been to that have had alcohol involved, you had to buy your own. The family that can afford to liquor up all their friends is really doing well for itself in these parts. When I read Garner's posts I laughed, but when I read Grace's "inflammatory" I really laughed, It was sort of like old times. So here I am, staying up way too late posting again.
Every single wedding reception I have been to have always been in 'function rooms' in hotels or wherever, with a bar attached. Everyone had to buy their own though. There is a name for a wedding(or any gathering really) here in Scotland where all the drink is free, and that is 'Riot'. When I think about it, even one in the Chapel hall had a portable bar type arrangement brought in and set up. Deary Deary me... R.
Thanks for the clarification Garner, and sorry for jumping on it. I think it was the vehemence also that sparked me. And Grace, you're right, about the group, and friends and knowing who's going to take what comment in which way, but it just irked me. I guess since i'd been away for so long, i'm a semi-newbie, and looking at comments from more of an outsiders perspective. Seeing comments like that, whether they're directed at you or not, may lead some people to wonder if this board is the place for them. That's a total generalisation, I know, and other people might think 'nice one' or 'There goes Garner again'....so yes...I had my rant, and now it's over. And welcome back! I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner. Double congratulations on being married, and expecting a little one. I've just realised I haven't put my view forth on the subject... On the whole dry wedding scenario, it's their day, it's what they want, so go with the flow and get a drink in between the ceremony and reception if you really feel the need i guess. Dealing with all of that 'you treated my friend like crap but you're still a part of the friend circle' stuff could get awkward. I'm in the midst of dreaming up wedding plans myself, and won't be having a dry wedding, but if I was going to, then I would hope everyone respected my wishes...that's because I have a feeling I'm going to be a Bridezilla, so everyone will have to do what I say when I say, or I'll spontaneously combust. On the whole 'not ready' then getting married thing, my friend is in a similar situation now. She was prepared to move across the country to live with this guy, who said 'well, come over, and we'll see what happens', and expected her to be able to leave her job, friends and family on the off chance he might want to take it further. They broke up, a year later he sent her a text message asking her if she would say yes if he asked her to marry him, they start long distance dating again, but when he came to visit her city, he spent about 5 minutes with her in a week, was umming and ahhing about whether he really has feelings for her or not, and will it all work out, breaks up with her, and less than six months later becomes engaged to somebody else. The world HAS gone crazy Spiky.
Gypsy can't men be bastards... ANyway the usual scenario for Australian weddings is like Randy the reception is usually held in a function venue or a hotel but the key difference is that some alcohol is normally always provided, i.e. beer and wine. As it is general practice when people go out for dinner here that a glass of wine is served with at least the entree and main of a 3 course meal. Spirits and other hard liquors are at the guests expense if they want to drink that stuff. People would actually think that a cash bar only wedding was a bit tight especially if the reception was being held in a fancy location, the drink prices reflect the venue. This wedding is being a bit backwards, the wedding is in some nice rose gardens, the reception is at the church. Go figure.
At our wedding I didn't drink anything at all myself, but that was because I spent years getting drunk and was quite sick of it by then... I don't think the no alcohol will be much of a bother if no one is having any and, anyway, if it's a happy clappy church reception I'm sure it wont go on into the night, so there could be something in that to be thankful for. P.S. I do still drink now and again, but it's nowhere near as interesting me as it used to be. Still, if it were 10 years ago and I was in your situation I probably would have thought about all kinds of reasons for not going, then gone anyway and enjoyed the buzz of being totally sober.
Heh, I remember that one. When your liver's saying "Oh thank god thank god thank god, here have some endorphines - see how good they are? please don't start drinking again, please?"
Just a little alternate cultural perspective... according to my Mom, a typical Russian wedding is one that lasts all night, and ends with the bride running to the kitchen at 6am to fry eggs for the guests - eggs being cheap, plentiful and a great cure for hangovers :tongue: Oh, and the guests shout "Gor'ko!" throughout the night - it means "Bitter!", and the intention is that the vodka is too bitter, and the newlyweds must kiss immediately, to make it sweeter. With alcohol that much a part of the whole process, a dry wedding would be particularly startling to the uninitiated. But that's neither here nor there. And Spiky, your friend's ex sounds like he just needed an excuse to end the relationship :tongue: Maybe he thought he was being kind, at the time... Either way, again, I hope your friend finds someone soon, and I hope there's still fun to be had at the wedding! And Garner - off-white wedding dresses rock! :smile:
Well the wedding was a couple of weeks ago and the verdict is in: Most boring wedding ever!!! It wasn't so much the lack of alcohol but how do you drag out a reception which is lunch and cake, 3 speeches and wishing the couple well for 5 hours... Evening receptions at least having dancing to fill in the time. This one had accoustic guitar happy clapper music. Apparently we were the rude table who talked through the songs but they went on for hours... This all happened after the ceremony where the pastor spent half the thing talking about divorce. Apparent't I'm going to get divorced because I wasn't pure, didn't get married in a church and didn't vow to obey my husband. According to the groom it was a magic day, for everyone else it was mildly insulting and tedius. It really was all about the couple at this wedding.
Well, at least you survived, it sounds kind of ghastly. We are planning a 50th anniversary party for my folks and we aren't providing booze, we also aren't banning it. I don't know what music will be there, I have charged a niece and a nephew with compiling a couple of CDs of music from the day, but I have no idea if they have managed anything yet. My dad ordered all the food except the cake, Ham and roast chicken, scalloped potatoes , potato salad , two sweet salads, and rolls for 160. I think we are going to decorate with crepe paper streamers and balloons, as far as I know there will be no preaching, so right there I think the party is going to be way more fun then that wedding.
Well, it was their day! I don't think I'd have been happy with a wedding which I knew would upset my friends, though.
Yep... Although they are living and sleeping together for the first time, its gotta be tough with such a build up to settle in and get used to each other. Especially for the bride who was a virgin, you just gotta think that her expectations may be a high and that the pressure on the groom was immense. I wouldn't want it to be me. And yep, a wedding is about the bride and groom, and thats fair enough. I just don't think they realised that there was anything in their day that would offend or bore. But they enjoyed the day and we got through it and we are happy for them. Just don't make me do it again.
It does occur to me to mention that I am equally bored and offended by the average British wedding with its focus on alcohol, 'hilarious' stories from the best man about the alarming things that have happened to the groom, expectations of drunken behaviour and so on. And don't get me started on the fucking discos. So, the ordinary wedding reception is boring and offensive to some people too. But I put up with it for the sake of my friends when they get married, as you put up with this one, Spiky. I guess that's what we do for the sake of friendship.
The rituals of weddings are supposed to be lame and tedious its what defines the events, i guess its a matter of choosing how lame and tedious you want to be... and dragging everyone you know along with you
