If you were a dictator

Discussion in 'BOARDANIA' started by Pepster, Jan 24, 2008.

  1. Pepster New Member

    I'd like to know what three things people would if they took over a country and installed themselves as the head of state by force?

    If we get enough people involved we can vote on who would be the first to be overthrown, invaded by George W Bush or something like that. the specifics can be worked out later.

    Me? I'd do the following:

    1). Put the adversity back in life by removing all social welfare except for pensions for the old and the crippled (even then I'd get the cripples a deskjob if possible).

    2). Refuse free medical treatment to people who brought their injuries on themselves. The state will not pay for idiots.

    3). Make prisons profitable by selling the criminally insane and repeat offenders of serious crimes for medical testing.
  2. randywine Member

    The Crippled? The Cripples?

  3. mowgli New Member

    First thing I'd do as a dictator is invade Pepster's country, liberate his hideously oppressed* people, and hang around to ensure free and fair elections of the next democratic leader.

    Oh, wait, ...

    Oh well, then instead I'd send Secret Service agents to clandestinely (and bloodlessly) remove Pepster from power. If questioned, deny any involvement!

    *"end all welfare"? "no medical treatment for self-inflicted injuries"? I mean...COME ON!
  4. Mynona Member

    They're doing this to my country at the moment. It's not going well.



    1, Start a secret underground training facility for ninja llamas... wait... um, you didn't read that. Forget it! Oblivate, damn you!

    2, Reinstate magic.

    3, Rule justly. (from my point of view)
  5. mazekin Member

    I'd quietly send some people who are really good at what they do to help Mowgli's lot in removing an unjust ruler...ahem...

    anyhoo, I would have mandatory castration of any sexual abusers. That would be the meat and two veg, thank you very much. And possibly a hand as well. And a tattoo on the forehead. I haven't decided what it should say or look like.

    I would make sure that all hospitals are clean. And when I say clean, I mean CLEAN. And that all physicians and nurses must wash their hands after dealing with each patient.

    Change the national anthem to include a verse with my name in it, in such a way that it cannot be made a rude verse.

    Make life sentences mean life sentences. In fact, apply that to all sentences. None of this parole crap for good behaviour. That just makes me sick. Ok, so I may have beaten the living daylights out of an 87 year old granny, but I haven't done it since I've been locked up. Look at me, aren't I a good boy. Can I get out now? Yeah? Cool, thanks!

    Make people have written tests and home visits if they want to have children. Seriously, I think some people shouldn't be allowed to procreate. Take my neighbours kids, for instance. Please, for the love of god, take them! After all, if you want to take a puppy from a rescue centre or adopt a child you have to be vetted to make sure you aren't an evil wrong doer.

    And of course, the manditory palace with expensive trinkets and ornaments surrounded by a moat, inhabited by sharks with laser beams attached to their heads, killer robots and the like...just in case any unjust rulers want to off me because I might have aided an attempted overthrow...:)
  6. Katcal I Aten't French !

    Pepster, you jackass, I haven't gone to the trouble of pretending I'm moving to Ireland for some "job" thing to let you blow my secret and minutely prepared plans for domination ! Damn you ! Now hush or someone will find out.

  7. spiky Bar Wench

    Pepster I'm a bit concerned about the self-inflicted part of your plan... I mean I've cut off the tip of my finger cutting basil after drinking a couple of wines: was that self-inflicted? And I've driven the back of a hand saw into my knee while incorrectly sawing: was that self-inflicted?

    If I didn't get treatment I'd be a bleeding hobbling mess. If you are referring to stuff done while drunk, drugged or stupid then it becomes a matter of opinion and when you've gut your guts hanging out and a nail in your head is not the time to procrastinate over whether he deserves treatment or not...

    Anyway in my role as the new dictator of Australia (as I've just staged a bloody coup against Pepster. Al the blood was his) I would:

    1. Provide a good and affordable education for everyone, and decrease these stupidly high fees for university and the fact that public schools get so little money compared to private schools.

    2. Ban the chant: "Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oi! Oi! Oi!" as a national embarrassment and unnecessary waste of breath

    3. Move the nations capital to a location with better weather and a beach.
  8. Rewr New Member

    You're not expecting a long life then Pepster.

    The guilds, let alone Ventinari would never agree to this

    All students - Instant pass of guild exams if:

    Assassins - exhume the dictator
    Alchemists - turn dictator to gold or explode
    Clowns - scare dictator to death
    Wizards - send dictator else where, anywhere, change shape of, or explode
    Thieves and Beggars - well, steal & beg you to death, I'm sure they'll come up with something
    Seamstress - what a lucky way to go...

    You'd cause mass unemployment among igors - dwarfs and trolls refused medical attention.

    Good thing you haven't mentioned the undead.

    or even worse Gaspode could widdle in your ear...
  9. Pepster New Member

    I'd like them to be useful for the state if possible.

    Would you feel better if I used the word "disabled". Actually thats another thing I would remove any overdone political correctness by oppressing all social groups equally.

    It is not about justice though is it. My state is about creating a efficient strong society without slackers.

    Its not about nice, nor is it about unnecessary cruelty. Its about Efficiency and getting things done right.

    It is almost Darwinism.

    Good idea, fail the test and the child is property of the state.

    Could be quite useful.

    Well if no one tried to overthrow you your not doing the job right as a Dictator now are you:bunny:
  10. Pepster New Member

    Those are normal accidents, I mean for example that if you broke your arm breaking into a school , getting shot robbing a bank, fighting a Kangaroo while drunk cause you thought you were "dead hard" or fell down the stairs of the pensioners house you just broke into.

    You would not be eligible for public heath care in cases similar to those. Accidents happen and those will be covered.

    That was just a body double. Release the hounds.
  11. Pepster New Member

    :question: I'm not entirely sure you took what I wrote in the opening post how I meant it.

    You know, I don't actually think being ruled by Ventinari would be all that different to what I proposed.
  12. redneck New Member

    I agree with this policy. I've been on the receiving end of it as well. I removed a water hose from an overheated truck and it sprayed me in the chest, neck, lower face, and arms. When I went to the emergency room and got treatment, I did not for a moment think that anyone but myself would pay for the damage done to me by me. It may have been just a momentary lapse of common sense after a hard day at work, but it was still my fault.

    I did, however, get to spend the night in a splendid night gown (it was really awesome, when going to the bathroom you didn't have to take your pants off or anything, just grab the sides of the gown and pull them forward letting you feel the breeze), in a comfortable contraption designed to fold one in half at the slightest whim, have my skin scraped off with a popsicle stick, and, best of all, have morphine shot into me at the press of a button. I really, really loved that last bit. I could actually quit smoking if they let me carry around some morphine packs.

    If I were dictator, then I would incorporate both Pepster's and Mazekin's policies.

    edit: added a small bit
  13. Rewr New Member

    Nah I took in what you meant - just in a weird mood. Basically I was thwarting an emerging rant... benefits, health care, custodial sentences... and decided to go the humorous way.

    It depends on what type of country you would take over, and the changes you made and the response of the population, as well as darling GW - or the puppet masters whomever they may be.

    Question: what would you change in a country like China? Would you be an evil dictator, or a hero?
  14. Katcal I Aten't French !

    1) There is only one kind of sausage. It does not involve lumps of gristle and must contain breadcrumbs and herbs.

    2) Cheese naan must be consumed at least once per week. Being allergic to one of it's ingredients might just be accepted as an excuse, but that's the only way out of it.

    3) Pineapple is a perfectly acceptable garnish for pizza. Anyone contesting this will be flogged with a leek until they do.
  15. mazekin Member

    No, no. No no no no. Katcal, I'm afraid you wouldn't be able to access that particular poison in my country. I forgot to say that above. Pineappe is a banned substance and anyone caught eating it, and especially putting it on any type of food will be ejected from Mazikhstan by catapult. Also, battering bananas and deep frying them will also be against my law.
  16. Maljonic Administrator

    I love that one, it would be very difficult to enforce with it being almost involuntary for some people - it may require medication or other, more severe, ... treatment. :D
  17. Rewr New Member

    Hail Mazekin - wise leader of Mazikhstan!
  18. KaptenKaries New Member

    I'm not sure I agree with you, would you care to explain in detail what you mean?
  19. mowgli New Member

    Dictatorial Decree Number Two:
    - Open the borders of Mowglinia as a sanctuary for anyone ejected from Mazekhstan or Rewrland for the crime of consuming and/or importing pineapples. For this particular fruit is delicious and chock full of some kind of vitamins, I'm sure - anything this sweet, golden and juicy must be good for you, or else what's the point!

    Dictatorial Decree Number Three:
    - A year of volunteer work gets you a year of free college education. The more you volunteer, the more money for college you earn.
  20. mr_scrub New Member


    1. Join with Mazekhistan to eliminate all users of pineapple products by burying them in the sand up to the head and coating them with honey.

    2. Make the eating of shrimp mandatory for all residents. If they don't like it they can leave... tarred and feathered.

    3. Make annoyance a criminal offense.

    4. Legalize kidnapping unless it's for ransom and only until someone presents a viable excuse that they want this person back.

    5. Make the wearing of purple and orange mandatory on weekends.

    6. Make atheism the mandatory religion.
  21. mr_scrub New Member

    In my experience, things that taste good are bad for you. Not that pineapple does.
  22. Tephlon Active Member

    IS NOT.
  23. mr_scrub New Member

    The epic pineapple war continues.
  24. spiky Bar Wench

    I think a straight jacket and one of those balls that get tied around people's heads and make them look like they have a strap on gob stopper should be sufficient... but why go to all that trouble when a well aimed bullet will stop the chant just as quickly.

    I like pineapple on pizza but I'm Australian so we're allowed. Kat has no such excuse.
  25. mowgli New Member

    <--Adds Mr.Scrub to the list of "Foreign Potentates to Remove Quietly and Bloodlessly for the Sake of their Populace".

    I've lived in a mandatorily atheistic country and it's no fun at all. As for purple and orange... bleeeeeeeeech!
  26. mazekin Member

    Here ye, Here ye; I, Mazekin, leader of the free country * of Mazekhistan, do hereby declare the following;

    Anyone found liking, or speaking of pineapple within the confines of our country borders will be forced to march in bare feet across hot coals to the Land of Katca/Mowglinia. Pineapple is the work of the devil. It looks like an interesting fruit, exotic and pretty, and yet tastes like ****. The addition of the pineapple, battered, deep fried, raw or otherwise, to any form of food, including chicken (chef in work, be warned) is a crime punishable by deportation to the Land of Katcal/Mowglinia(where they seem to like the rotten stuff) via the means of catapult. The above law also applies to the following so called vegetables; Courgette, Eggplant and Broccoli.

    We offer our lands as sanctuary to the following:

    To the people of the Land of Katcal, come to us you poor downtrodden masses, starved through the loss of decent, affordable sausage, made of parts the piggie didn’t even know it had, and the forced eating of Cheese Naan. All we ask for is a weekly donation of the following;

    One 1lb bar of Cadburys Dairymilk Chocolate
    One Pavlova, minus the strawberries (I like the jam, just not the real thing)
    One meringue with fresh whipped cream(that has the addition of copious amounts of sugar – diabetes bedamnned!)
    And a shrubbery. Ni!


    I also declare that there will be free back-rubs for every employed person on the last Friday of every month.

    Speaking during the Quiz show QI is banned. Speaking through Navy NCIS is banned. Making fun of the deaf woman in Sue Thomas FBI is banned. Telling me halfway through watching an hour of Air Crash Investigation, why the plane crashed is banned…basically one of my brothers isn’t allowed into my country.

    Decent smoking areas must be provided for all companies, shopping centres, pubs and hotels. With heaters, and seats that won’t get soaked at the first sign of rain, and decent places to stub out your cigarette and flick your ashes. Contrary to popular belief, we don't actually like flicking ash in each others faces, or throwing our butts onto the ground.

    Anthem to follow, as soon as I work out something that will rhyme…any submissions will be considered....

    *for a given value of ‘free’

    I reserve the right to change any of the above (except for the pineapple/courgette/eggplant/broccoli law)
  27. Rewr New Member

    Rewr proudly wears uniform of official catapult cranker...

    Bit worried about sense of direction tho...
  28. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    Well, I won't be living in Mr Scrub's country, since I am allergic to shrimp/prawns and to lack of religious freedom. I would live in Mowgli's land of wondrous enlightment, but I really hate pineapple. Oh, decisions...
  29. IgorMina New Member

    Hah! Fools! You may own your own countries, but I rule the Empire that encapsulates them all! Mwahahahaha... :D

    By allowing all these counties to exist, I give my people freedom to chose the one they would prefer to live in. One rule, however, is universal: Each library must have at least three copies of each discworld book.
  30. Rewr New Member

  31. Rincewind Number One Doorman

    Atheism can't be a religion, by definition it's the absance as one.

    Ha! I've fired a bullet of logic from the gun of pedantism! How does it feel, Punk!
  32. mowgli New Member

    Mowglinia's constitution guarantees a Freedom of Fruit, as well as religious freedom. No forcing pineapples onto anyone! :smile:

    Sorry, IgorMina, but we're not a part of your Empire - we don't Count! :lol:
    But if you're pro-free trade, we'll ship you pineapples in exchange for letting us borrow books from your library.
  33. Buzzfloyd Spelling Bee

    I knew that Philosophy degree was useful for something!
  34. spiky Bar Wench

    In my dictatorship everyone will be required to obtain a degree in philosophy, barrel and soap provided by the state.
  35. mr_scrub New Member

    Ha, take that!

    Also, those who eat garlic with their shrimp get a 25% tax rebate.
  36. Katcal I Aten't French !

    I haven't even been in this country for a week yet and I have already been named a Queen by my Manager. Dictatorship, here I come !
  37. If I were a Dictator

    1. Abolish all taxes relating to the funding of healthcare - if you injure yourself, you pay for the treatment [injuries caused by others should be covered by insurance, unless they come under part 2, below]. As a side effect, this might prompt people to be more financially responsible, setting up a private fund against the possibility of injury/illness.

    2. People may take whatever precautions they deem necessary to protect themselves and their property. Any criminal foolish enough to subsequently attempt a robbery/attack deserves what befalls them and will have no right to sue for damages/lost earnings. THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TRIED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. Especially knowing the new freedom people have to defend themselves. [sorry for shouting, but this is something that really gets my goat]

    3. Scientists will be charged with creating a leek large enough to flog the entirety of Mazekhistan at once, in accordance with the policies of Katcal. I mean, seriously, what is your problem with pineapple on pizza? If you don't like the stuff, fair enough, but why should that mean the rest of us can't have it?

    Disclaimer: these policies are ideals to be aspired to, and as such I have taken little or no thought to their wider legal/financial ramifications.

    Furthermore, if anyone can come up with something I wouldn't eat on a pizza, I'll consider withdrawing policy 3.
  38. Electric_Man Templar

    Toenail clippings?
  39. I wouldn't eat those anyway, so it doesn't count. nice try though.
  40. Electric_Man Templar

    You should have made the rules clearer!

    How about chocolate? Or jelly babies?
  41. The challenge stems from the pineapple on pizza thing. If you wouldn't eat pineapple anyway, then putting it on pizza clearly isn't going to help, and would ruin the pizza for you. If you will eat pineapple then what's wrong with putting it on a pizza?

    If you can find something that I would eat separately, but not on a pizza, then I shall reconsider my stance on pineapple pizza.

    As for chocolate pizza - I've had one of those and it was good. Jelly babies I've not tried - but can't wait to next chance I get.

    Also apologies for going off topic those of you who were enjoying the dictators theme.
  42. Katcal I Aten't French !

    chocolate pizza rocks, as does chocolate and banananana pizza. Pineapple is amazingly good, just like cheese naans, some people just have no taste...
  43. mowgli New Member

    Porridge on pizza?
    (the most distasteful-yet-otherwise-edible thing that came to my mind)
  44. Porridge? Now there's a thought...

    Would you use just dry porridge oats, or actual made-up porridge?

    At some point in the not-too-distant future, I will have to make a pizza using the suggestions made here. I will attempt to provide photographic evidence of its creation and a report on its consumption, assuming I survive.
  45. Katcal I Aten't French !

    mango chutney and blue cheese. try it. seriously.
  46. spiky Bar Wench

    Quite simply a milk pizza would be quite troublesome to eat...

    Or if someone's going to claim that milk is a liquid and not a food then would a fried rice pizza work?
  47. sampanna New Member

    Chocolate and banana on pizza? Now I know why you like cheese naans ..
  48. redneck New Member

    I used to have a friend that liked to chop his pizza up and put his it in a glass of milk. I never could watch him eat/drink it. I've got a pretty tough stomach, but that's just gross. I think he did it on a dare once and liked the way that people would retch when they saw him. He swore it tasted great.
  49. Milk pizza - I was thinking you could dip the pizza in a glass of milk, or perhaps put it in a bowl and pour milk over it, in the same way you would cereal or a dessert with cream. I already had thoughts in that direction with regard to custard. Cutting up the pizza and putting it in a glass of milk is a clever way of doing it - the next step of course is to put the lot in a blender and make a pizza smoothie. But then it wouldn't really be a pizza - might be good for a hangover though.

    Fried Rice pizza - There is a dish, Risotto I think it is, which is basically rice mixed with melted cheese. I imagine this would be similar. Also worth trying would be Special Fried Rice pizza.

    Blue Cheese and Mango Chutney - oh that sounds gooood. Easy on the blue cheese for me, but that's got to be tasty.
  50. Tephlon Active Member

    I like pineapple cold. I hate pineapple that has been warmed up. Thus: Pineapple on pizza is [-]horrible[/-] not my thing.

    Banana[-]nanana[/-] & chocolate pizza (or apple & chocolate) is nice as a desert.

    As for milk: I think that wouldn't work because of consistency, but I've had sour cream on pizza.
  51. What if you put cold pineapple on a cooked pizza?
  52. Katcal I Aten't French !

    Seriously, sweet pizzas rock, don't knock it until you've tried it, same goes for cheese naans. I have had cheese naans that suck, but the ones that are good are GOOD.

    Fried rice could work, it would just be messy to eat, but if you put a thick enough coat of melted cheese over the top...
    Milk or any liquid would be messy too, but cream is often used on pizza, and actually, my favourite is chicken and pineapple on a cream base, with a light dusting of black pepper.
  53. mazekin Member

    Leather_monkey, The people of Mazekhistan will take the leek, but would rather pass on the flogging, thank you. If you'd like to try it, I feel I must inform you that our new motto is "Come on if you think you're hard enough!". Standing Army has now been fully trained on the art of pizza hurling and bread-stick nunchucks.

    And the current leader of Mazekhistan is currently curled up in a corner trying very hard not to retch at the thought of Blue Cheese and Mango chutney. I mean, I can kind of understand the whole pineapple thing... ::shudder::

    Milk...? Hmmmh. I do like a glass of milk when eating the pizza. I couldn't imagine dipping it though. I like gooey, but not soggy.
  54. Nester New Member

    1.) If you work a customer service job you get a gun and three bullets a year that you're allowed to use on the job. You will not be convicted of any crime while using these. All shots must be below the waist so as to lessen fatalities. The maimings get the point across.

    2.) Recess! It is mandatory that everyone has a one hour recess everyday where they are forced to go outside and play. Unless it's horrible weather. Then they will color!

    3.) All bars are required to provide free sobercabs if the customer has spent in excess of $50 that night.

    Hopefully recess would relax the populace so much as to make the customer service shots needless and the free sobercabs just make me happy so we don't have to rock/paper/scissor anymore. :)
  55. Tephlon Active Member

    It would still get warm. Maybe the first slice would be nice, but the last slice... Nah.

    Just to give my point of view extra weight: Pratchett says that there is no excuse for putting pineapple on pizza in a footnote in "The last continent".

    So: Bah!
  56. Marv New Member

    I though it was chicken, wasn't it?
    And I agree, warm pineapple isn't good and also when you cook it on pizza the cheese underneath the pineapple slices doesn't melt properly.
  57. spiky Bar Wench

    Pinnaple and ham pizzas are the food of the gods, or otherwise known as Hawaian pizza. Yes the pineapple gets hot but the pineapple needs to be well drained and from a tin (Idon't know if that has been made clear, you don't use the fresh stuff but rather that strangely very sweet stuff from a can). The pizza needs to be cooked in a hot oven so that the base gets cruchy and the cheese melts all over, while cheese is present it shouldn't be the dominant topping.

    I think a lot of people poo poo pineappple on pizza without ever trying it... the combo of sweet pineapple with salty ham is brilliant and is a gastronomic marvel. So go and try it before passing negative judgments.
  58. redneck New Member

    I've tried pineapple on pizza, even the Hawaiian pizza, but I just don't care for it. I don't like it with ham or with chicken. I can eat it, but don't really care for it. I do love pineapple raw, by itself, with any assortment of other fruits, or in a yogurt. Man, I'm really craving some pineapple yogurt now. Too bad I'm too sick to make it to the market. *cough, cough* Would one of you mind getting me a packet of pineapple yogurt while you're out. *sniffle* *cough cough* Thanks.
  59. mowgli New Member

    ::eats a pina colada yoghurt to Redneck's health::
  60. Cynical_Youth New Member

    Pineapple on pizza rocks! I'm with Kat on this one.

    Pepster, I don't think you would breed a strong society. Perhaps strong in the sense that it is ruthlessly meritocratic, but I think the lack of compassion would be a severe weakness. People are stronger when they're happy. For one thing, the emotional strain of seeing your "lesser" family members struggle without social welfare would cripple even the strongest of people.

    My rules:
    1) No more killing animals. Seriously. Large reserves and national parks for cows, pigs and chickens.

    2) No more cars. Tough luck. Houses will need to meet high standards of energy conservation. Start extensive recycling programmes and invest in wind power.

    3) Raise taxes, massively increase spending on education, social welfare and healthcare. Slash the defence budget.

    4) Restrict the power of the upper echelons of corporations. No more autocratic private sector. If you don't like it and you feel compelled to threaten to move your company to a sweatshop compound in Asia, I'll be glad to see you gone.

    5) Stop the massive subsidies to keep industries afloat that don't deserve it, like grain production. Instead, that money will help make fruit and vegetables cheap and start a large organic farming industry.

    6) Penguins!!

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