Discworld and Member Articles
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Written by TheJackal
Sunday, 28 August 2005 |
Pre Wexley liked to fish. Well, more precisely, his wife liked the idea of him fishing. Where they came from, fishing was a fine hobby for a man his age to have.
Pre liked it as it got him out of the house for a few hours. And so, three times a week, he packed his kit and sandwiches and headed off. What his wife did not know was that her husband hated the actual act of fishing. It was so boring, sitting there for hours on end in a little boat or by the river’s edge. You needed patience for that kind of thing and Pre was not too adequate in the relevant department. He much preferred to lay his head down on a grassy knoll and have a good sleep. Occasionally, he would purchase a fish or two from the local market, claiming it as his own prize.
Today, Pre’s sleep was disturbed. Someone was shouting his name, quite loudly and in a voice which suggested that, if he did not answer back pretty swiftly, then Pre would get a right good kick up the arse when he eventually emerged.
It was not his wife, as Pre had originally feared for an instant, but Jude Rutiger, a friend. Pre approached him quickly, so as to find out what all the fuss was about.
It turned out that his old pal Gee was in pretty serious trouble and needed Pre’s help. Gathering up his gear, Pre knew his afternoon’s rest was ruined. They half walked, half jogged the mile to Pre’s home. Jude saw to the horses and got the carriage ready, whilst Pre begged his wife’s forgiveness for he would be missing dinner.
With Ron still off puking his guts out, Nemoy was left alone to ponder about doom and gloom. You couldn’t blame him for feeling pessimistic as there were dozens and dozens of men out there who were keen to have a word with him. And Nemoy got the feeling that they did not want to invite him round for tea and a scone.
Presently he was wondering where it had all gone wrong. Where did one look to as the beginning of his troubles? Gee and Ron felt sure it was the night of Nemoy’s birth, but was it? Perhaps you could argue the timeline went further, to when Nemoy’s parents met. Or else, the afternoon he was conceived. Things would have been terribly different if his grandmother had noticed her daughter Alice was sneaking off at all times of the day and night to meet with her dashing beau. If she had sat her offspring down for a stern mother-daughter talk on restraint and remaining an honest woman, would Nemoy be here now? The answer was probably yes, as unbeknownst to Nemoy or his grandmother, Alice had lost her ‘honesty’ long before encountering Nemoy’s future father.
Alas, it was not to be. News of the pregnancy had led to Alice’s near permanent banishment from the household, but things had quickly been fixed after Mick, the father-to-be, proposed marriage. Admittedly Alice’s father had threatened to throttle Mick to death if he refused to graciously ask for her hand in marriage, but that was a common enough occurrence in such circumstances.
All that was left was a slight changing in the timelines, so as to leave the neighbours none the wiser to the couple’s dishonest endeavours. Nemoy was conceived and born and that was that. Nemoy was pretty sure he was happy about being born part, but all those resulting complications? The answer to which was obvious to Nemoy: Life is surrounded by cesspits and sometimes you fall in. Some philosopher fellow had said that and Nemoy could see the truth in it; he just seemed to fall in more times than most. The trick was getting back out again and cleaning yourself off.
Pre Wexley was a firm believer that, in life, there are Heroes and Villains. His friend Gee was currently suffering the wrath of such a Villain, and it was Pre’s mission to step in and fight.
Jude Rutiger also believed in Heroes and Villains. Of course, there were other roles as well which one could play: for instance, you could be an Innocent Bystander; but nobody wanted to be one of them as, invariably, they got killed or injured in the melee.
Another popular option was the Casual Onlooker. This was quite similar to the being an Innocent Bystander, but importantly, there wasn’t any risk mentioned in the job description. One never heard of the Casual Onlooker taking a stray axe to the head, whereas, newspapers regularly reported on injuries to Casual Onlookers after being struck by something or other.
Jude liked to regard himself as one such Casual Onlooker. If he heard about a fight that was going to take place, he would probably be there; except he made sure not too stray to close to the action.
But his actions today clearly removed Jude from his desired category. He had moved into Innocent Bystander territory, possibly even worse than that, as he was not too innocent at present. His actions had definitely involved taking sides.
The problem with taking sides was that you had a fifty-fifty chance of losing. Furthermore, the winners often liked to suitably thank those who had fought against them. Methods of appreciation varied, but the word ‘pain’ always came into play somewhere.
And because Jude had already done enough to merit a possible future visit from Brother Rubeus, he made Pre drop him off half way to Gee’s house. The world could keep its Heroes, as far as Jude was concerned. He was off for a stiff drink.
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