I'm just a new person passing through. I have nothing to recommend me, other than a fanatical obsession with Pratchett and a penchant to spellcheck before posting.

Do I pass?

Well that all depends.

Spoons or forks?

Sporks. As always. Duh.

Edit: Hmm, needy signature.... Aha!

Right, you're in.

You may want to introduce yourself fully here.

Pfft. Sporks. A spork is just a spoon with an identity crisis.


Welcome!

But, see, when you eat eyeballs with a spoon, it doesn't leave the three scratches at the back of the eye socket....

Alan Rickman, the villians' villian favours a spoon in his human mutalations. If it's good enough for him, it's good enough for me.

But wasn't that quote referring to the heart, in which case a spoon would hurt more than a knife? In case of eyeballs, a spork might hurt more. Spoons look almost designed for this special task.

"Hoher Sinn liegt oft im kindischen Spiel." (Friedrich Schiller)

Yes. A spoon would take the eue out too cleanly. A spork would tend to tear up the eyesocket as well.

See? Exactly! Why bother doing it if it's going to be clean? You might as well bring out the anesthetics.

Yes, because of course, we all know that there is a clean and comfortable way of removing someone's eye. If you were torturing a person, and came at them with a fork, they'd be certain to wail "Ohhh, please! Have mercy! Use a spoon!"

No need to be bashful, Human, you are quite plainly a male!

Tut.

If we're not concerned about being efficient (and in this day and age I don't see how we can't) why not just use a brick?

Oh for heavens sake!.

Performing human mutilations can happen when you least expect it. There you are, with a victim waiting to be horribly mutilated and you have to say "Oh hang on a sec while I go and get my fork/spork/brick", when you could just as easily reach for your trusty spoon.

After all, who among us would be seen anywhere in public without a spoon?

To be honest a spork is always going to be better than a spoon! Its a multi function tool you see. there are certain forms of food that require a fork and others that require a spoon.
A spoon is also not much good with the whole torture thing.

"well officer at a guess i would say she was spooned to death" doesn't have quite the same ring as "we believe she was sporked to death officer"

You can always use a multifunction tool! a spoon is just a spoon.

To be honest, I've never favored eating utensils for mutilation anyway. I like to do it barehanded - up close and personal - or with an item that will actually be improved by the use. My drawing materials are a particular favorite. A good high-quality charcoal stick can retain an absolutely gorgeous reddish tinge.