Is that the same naughty corner that Joculator was runnning from in this topic? Because Ozzer most definitely does not want to go there. http://www.terrypratchettbooks.org/fortopic1302-0.html
Before you answer I've got a good joke. A school is finishing exams and the teacher supervising tells the the students to stop. One student finishing up after this is rejected by the supervisor. The student draws himself up to his full height and says "Do you know who I am?" The supervisor replies "No" The student says "Good" and puts his test in the middle of the pile.
I got those from my youth pastor. This one is a little more esoteric, but it made me groan and roll my eyes... Bob*, a coworker at my local Wal-Mart, approaches another coworker and says, tongue in cheek, "Would toenail clippers be the appropriate tool to take care of a dangling participle?" The coworker thinks for a moment, then says in dead earnest, "Oh, I guess I always just use scissors." *names have been changed to protect the guilty
Tom—I confess I'd prefer riches to love. A kiss, for instance, may be sweet, but it isn't worth anything. Dick—Well, it's always worth its face value.
"I've promised to go in to supper with someone else, Mr. Blanque; but I'll intro*duce you to a very handsome and clever girl." "But I don't want a handsome and clever girl; I want you."
"Wasn't it odd that our cat would not take to our visitor, but put his back up at her?" “Not at all strange." "Why not?" "Because the visitor had a mouse-colored suit and had a lot of rats in her hair."
I'm not even totally sure what it means, I'm guessing that "rats" was some kind of hair style thing in 1912, where I got this joke from.
An elderly couple go to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?” The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finish, the doctor says, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming (!), he wishes them good luck, he charges them £50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple return and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?” The old man says, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. “The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA.”
"I slept with three cheerleaders last night," said the old man in the confession booth. "How long has it been since your last confession?" asked the priest. "Confession? I'm Jewish," the man replied. So the priest asked, "Why are you telling me this?" and the old man said: "I'M TELLING EVERYBODY!"
The best way to find inner peace is to finish what you started. I looked around this morning to see what I had started, so I finished the vodka, the baileys some red wine and the valium and you have no idea how peaceful I am now.
Q. What is the height of optimism? A. An English batsman applying sunscreen. Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick? A. Three runs in three balls. Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen? A. The walk back to the pavilion. Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad? A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats. Q. What’s the English version of LBW? A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped. Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team? A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.
The Ferrari F1 team manager decided to employ some Scouse pit crew due to their renowned skill in removing car wheels quickly. At the first practice session, not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds, but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold it to the McLaren team for 8 cans of Stella and a bag of weed.
This isn't what's happened to Kenny, is it? He's had his kneecaps stolen and been sold to McLaren! Dale, I thought it was just Rinso you kept in there!
An Irish family were found frozen to death outside a Dublin cinema, they had been queueing for three weeks to see “Closed for the winter”
One my brother-in-law sent me. An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first patient he sees, and the man proclaims: "Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!" The English doctor, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into: "Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it." This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie!" "Well," the English doctor mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last." "Oh no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the serious Burns unit."
A comedian asks a friend for advice on how to make his act funnier. His friend says he should talk more about current affairs. So the comedian replies: "Your wife is rubbish in bed!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
One day a man walks into a pet shop and asks for a really unusual pet. "You're in luck, sir", says the owner, and hands him a tortoise. "What's so special about this?" asks the man doubtfully. "Ullo", says the tortoise. "Oh, I see! It can talk!" Exclaims the man excitedly. "Yes", says the owner, "and it can also run errands for you." "Okay, I'll take it." He pays the owner and leaves with the tortoise. That evening the man is watching T.V. and says to his new pet... "Okay, Sonny Jim, make yerself useful and get me a paper from the shop." He gives the tortoise the money and it sets off. 6 weeks later, and still no sign of the tortoise. In frustration, the man goes to the front door to have a look and sees the tortoise halfway up the garden path. "WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!!! 6 FECKING WEEKS I'VE BEEN WAITING!!! YOU'RE SO FECKING SLOW!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT CONNED INTO BUYING YOU!!! WHERE THE HELL'S MY PAPER??? And the tortoise says- "Well, if you're gonna be like that, I won't go!
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
A man dies and goes to hell. He meets a demon who says- 'Alright, my dear morsel, you have three choices of how you want to spend eternity here'. The demon then shows the man three doors. He opens the first door and shows him millions of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. 'Hmmm', says the man, 'I don't like the look of that at all!! What about door No.2?' The demon opens the second door and shows the man millions of people standing on their heads on a stone floor. 'No, no, no, that's not for me at all!! Show me the third door.' The demon then opens the third door and the man sees millions of people standing waist deep in cow shit, drinking coffee and smoking fags. 'Well, aside form the smell; this definitely looks like the best of the three options!' the man concludes. 'Are you sure?', asks the demon. 'You can't change you're mind you know!' 'Yep, this ones for me.' He takes his coffee and cigarettes and wades into the shit to join the others, and begins to smoke and drink coffee. After about 10 minutes another demon pops his head around the door and shouts- 'ALRIGHT YOU 'ORRIBLE LOT!! FAG BREAKS OVER!! GET BACK ON YER 'EADS!!!
Rene Descartes is sitting in a Parisian cafe, sipping a cup of coffee, having just finished his dinner. A waiter approaches with the bill. "Would you care for anything else, sir?" the waiter asks. "I think not." replies Descartes. And disappears.
The 5 questions most feared by men are: 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Rugby. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I’ve seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty ? e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette and a Boat”). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines: WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not, don’t you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry? MAN: Okay, I’d get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: ( makes audible groan ) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Oh bugger.
A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The casecame up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly control myself. BUT….when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident” I laughed out loud. “Case Dismissed” said the Judge.
A middle-aged man comes home from work to find his wife admiring herself in a full-length mirror. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I went to the doctor for my physical today," she replies, "and he told me I have the bustline of a 25-year old." "Really?" he sniggered. "And what did he say about your 50-year old ass?" "Actually, dear, your name never came up."
Some one liners. I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
Some more... A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
Two buckets of sick are walking down the street. Suddenly one of them starts to cry and the 2nd one asks- "what's wrong mate?" The 1st one points and says sadly- "I was brought up down that ally!".
A psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy" At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
In response to those headlines, one I've seen here in Carlisle is "NURSE CHARGED WITH PATIENT THEFT" I wonder, was she stealing from the patient, or stealing the patient in some Frankenstien-esque manner???
I'm really pissed off. Someone just crashed into my car with one of those new Skodas. There's jam and cake everywhere.
So it's a marvelous excuse for people to watch the advert now and see the marvel that is Skoda for themselves. :lol: Can't believe I just put the words Marvel and Skoda in the same sentence.
Nope, I hadn't seen it, but I loved the "baking of" video I found after watching it on youtube : YouTube - Baking of the "Skoda Fabia - Car Cake" advert
Not exactly jokes but the answers people give in quizzes and competitions. QUIZMANIA (ITV) Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'. Contestant: Doctor. Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor. DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM) Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year? Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue. Kelly: OK. What do beans come in? Contestant: Cartons? BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Theakston: There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester. BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? Contestant: I don't know. White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? Contestant: Arm. White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .? Contestant: Strong. White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? Contestant: Louis. White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? Contestant: Frank Sinatra? LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy? Contestant: France. Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris. UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals. Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you. THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party. BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON) DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? THE WEAKEST LINK Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway? UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name? Contestant: Goosey? GWR FM (Bristol) Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963? Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then. RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND) Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...? Caller: Mohicans. QUIZMANIA Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'. Contestant: Grandfather. Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else. Contestant: Panda. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER) Phil: What's 11 squared? Contestant: I don't know. Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. Contestant: Is it five? RICHARD AND JUDY Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? A: Forrest Gump. RICHARD AND JUDY Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er . . . Leslie: He makes bread .. . Contestant: Er . . . Leslie: He makes cakes .. . Contestant: Kipling Street? MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND) Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated? Contestant: Erm .. . Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964. Contestant: 1965? SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV) Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held? Contestant: Six. Tufnell: Higher! Contestant: Five. FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV) Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT. Team: Chedpit. LINCS FM PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona. Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain. RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total? Contestant: 23. NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM) Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest? Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it? THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT) Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'. Contestant: Ghana. Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean. Contestant: New Zealand. NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Question: What is the world's largest continent? Contestant: The Pacific ROCK FM (PRESTON) Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci. Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta. JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . . . er .. . three? NATIONAL LOTTERY Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what? Contestant: Jelly. RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2) Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory? Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's? BLIND DATE (ITV) Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen. Boy: Charlotte Bronte. CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL) Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna? Caller: Japan. Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er . . . Mexico? DOG EAT DOG (BBC1) Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings? Contestant: Enid Blyton PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE) Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days. NATIONAL LOTTERY Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing . .. what? Contestant: Basketball. NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place? Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor? DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland? Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant: Iceland? Ireland? Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel? Contestant: No. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er . . . Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . . Contestant: Blimey? Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . . Contestant: (Silence) Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . Contestant: Walked? NATIONAL LOTTERY Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea? Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea. THE VAULT Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgia. LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB) Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? Contestant: Jewish. Presenter: That's close enough. BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1 Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes? Contestant: Ummm .. . Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'. Contestant: Shark. STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play? Contestant: Jesus.
