It was a sort of pudding-ish pie with currants in it.

Buzzfloyd sat on a rock and asked Jordan why he'd left the Catface.

Swallowing his pie he said, 'Sev'ral pers'nal reasons. But mostly,' he spoke slowly here, 'a 'cause Malory's dead.' And then his mouth was full of pie.

I nearly choked to hear him admit it so casually. Buzzfloyd's reaction betrayed nothing about what she already knew or didn't know.

'Dead? Who will be captain next?'

'Seems Moon Cat and Black'll 'ave ter fight for it. Dunno who'll win.'

'Did you know about the assassination?' I asked, staring at Buzzfloyd and licking my fingers.

She ignored me. 'And do you want to join the islanders fully, Jordan? Are you on our side now?'

Jordan shrugged. 'Might 's well.'

'Why?' I wanted to know. 'You don't know anything about us.'

'Us, eh?' the pirate laughed. 'You neither. But 'ere ye arr.'

'Shut up. Where are we going Buzzfloyd?'

'Well,' she said, 'as soon as we finish our pie, we're going downriver.'

'I thought you said we'd have to warn the others? And what about Brad? He's miles behind us by now.'

Buzzfloyd winked at me. 'Don't worry about Brad. Come on.'

So we went. And the Bay ahead of us got closer, the trees a little thinner.

joe pancake?

Oooh, Buzzfloyd knows of Malory's fall, or at least is a supreme actress capable of hiding shock. What will Brad do when he finds out? Is/was there anyone on the island capable of turning him back anyway? Still, I guess the most important thing is:












Woo! Double helping!
Plaid, you should know that triples would be appreciated even more...

(Playing blind Pictionary, me drawing)
Ella: Is it a giraffe?
Me (stops drawing): No
Ella: Star Trek?
Me: Yes!

scraping old territory

'Hey, Jordan, was the water orange like that up at the spring?'

We'd been walking less than an hour and were still quite high up above sea level. Following the stream was easy walking, but it felt too quiet.

'Prob'ly,' the boy said, peering at the ripples. 'But I know it didn't smell as weird. Don't stand so close.'

The water was leaving orange splotches on my boots. I suddenly recognized it, a flashback of a little white boat and a trio of cruel pirates filling my brain. The pleasure of remembering was so sweet I didn't even glare at Jordan for tying us up all those days ago.

'This is the Zombie River, then. And the falls... geez, where are we going Buzzfloyd? What is there for us along this way?'

She just kept walking. I wondered why I was following her. If Joyce could live all alone and safe in the mountain, then by Ba so could I. I didn't need Brad or pirates or any of them.

But I did not want to turn into the silent old crone that Joyce was. I wanted to find out what happened to Nester and Fred and Hermes.

Hermes was still on the Catface. I squinted through the trees to the ocean, wondering if I might see the ship out there on the water. I couldn't.

'Jordan, are they going to be nice to Hermes?' I asked.

'What? Uh.. nice as ter anyone. Why?'

I shrugged.

Ahead of us the nerve-biting screamy noise of the waterfall grew loud. Soon Buzzfloyd was standing right above it, having climbed a large boulder next to the edge where it all stormed down to the pool below.

I hung back. Jordan walked up and joined our leader on her boulder, looking out over the land below. Buzzfloyd glanced back at me but didn't say anything. Instead, she raised her hands to her mouth and gave a really complicated bird call, at which Orrdos stepped out from behind a bush.

joe pancake?

He looked distraught. Fred was poking his long green nose out of a pocket. I stared, forgetting my nervousness about the waterfall and approaching the group.

'I couldn't stop her,' Orrdos began. 'I could hardly see what was going on...'

'What happened?'

'Om flew off in the middle of the night. Scared Fred to death it did. We have all the yaks back... but the pit. The pit is ruined. I don't know how she did it. Sam was... well... and Pat. It's horrible. Did you get Dragonmother?'

Buzzfloyd shook her head. 'Are they alright? You look sick, Doors.'

Orrdos took Fred out of his pocket and mumbled distractedly at the elephant. 'No. The zombies are in on it now.' I could hear anger in his voice along with disappointment. 'Not even Fred knows what to do with those creeps.'

'Oh no,' Buzzfloyd breathed.

Jordan and I looked at each other. I still had his hat, so I smirked proudly and then asked 'What are we going to do? Do we have to fight the zombies or what?' My flesh crawled at the thought.

'Fight zombies?' Jordan laughed. 'Yer welcome to it. I ain't touchin' 'em.'

Chicken, I thought. But the memory of Ivan's gooey person didn't exactly make me feel like a hero.

'Doors, take us to the others. Are you sure we can't do anything?' Buzzfloyd had gone a little pale herself. I wondered when she was going to mention the dragons, or explain what had happened on the cliffs.

The four of us practically fell down the waterfall. It wasn't steep, but most of the rocks there were mopped with slippery moss and sprayed with orange zombie-residue. It smelled worse at the bottom.

We trudged downstream, Orrdos muttering about how he couldn't have stopped it, he couldn't have done anything.

joe pancake?

Dunn Dunnn Duuunnnnnn!

Fuck Shoes.

white scream

Suddenly Fred exploded up to the size of a horse and sparkled a bright blue. It was the first time I'd seen him that large. I almost fell over.

I heard Jordan breath in, astounded, right behind me, and suddenly wondered if he knew anything about the cult of Fred. Would it be safe to ask him about it, with Orrdos mere feet away?

'Black's got a whole cult,' I said, 'over Fred.' I looked at Jordan sideways and waited for a reaction. He merely looked puzzled, his gaze still taken up with the elephant.

'They think he can bring back their memories.' I whispered this, peering ahead at Buzzfloyd and Orrdos to make sure they didn't notice. 'It's crazy.'

Jordan stared at Fred, his mouth pursed in a thoughtful frown. He didn't say anything. The elephant blinked purple and then a streaky gold as it walked.

'Hurry, you two,' Buzzfloyd gestured for us. The river curved and widened just ahead. Above the screaming of the waterfall I heard voices.

Orrdos put his hand out to his elephant and we all stopped walking. Fred shrank a few sizes and the gold of his skin faded a little.

'No, we--' Orrdos started, looking distractedly at Fred and through the trees ahead at the same time. 'Yes, but--'

'What's going on?' I said.

'Shh. Fred, be reasonable. They're zombies!'

A long silence rustled in the hot forest. It was nearly noon, maybe.

'Orrdos,' Buzzfloyd took hold of the man's arm, 'Where are the others? I left Sam here with you. Tell us what's happened.'

In answer Orrdos simple walked out into the clearning and pointed to the opposite bank of the river.

There were bodies everywhere.

joe pancake?

Oh...

Oh my...

*babbles incoherently*

You can't stop there! It's cruel!

(Playing blind Pictionary, me drawing)
Ella: Is it a giraffe?
Me (stops drawing): No
Ella: Star Trek?
Me: Yes!

orange bloodbath

Buzzfloyd and (with an almost imperceptible hesitation) Jordan instantly ran out into the shallow curve of the river and frantically climbed up on the opposite bank. I looked at Orrdos. He hadn't moved.

The water in the river was full of those weird non-fish orange bits. I stared at it, and back at the grotesque slow-motion mayhem that was going on beyond it. With a sad glance down at my dirty but still rather nice plaid trousers, I stepped into the river and waded across.

It was horrible. Like being numb and shivering and itching all at once. When I reached the bank I was wet in the grimiest, soggiest, most disgusting way anyone can be wet.

And then a zombie attacked me.

It was... Keli. I recognized her from the first day I had been taken to the words. This version was far more orange and not a little bit degranged, but it was her. Her young, falling-apart face terrified me.

Of course I fought back. Before she could get her teeth in my arm or pull too much of my hair out, I struggled and kicked her off of me. Half of me wondered if she could be killed. Half of me didn't want to hurt the girl.

I could see Buzzfloyd and Jordan, and... was that the metal girl, Hex? all fighting similar creatures not far away. Orrdos and Fred remained still on the safe side of the river. Having heard of his gallantry in previous Sock Wars, I was puzzled about his reticence here.

With a pause to throw Keli into a tree, I made my way to the others. I recognized more of the zombies. Samantha Vimes. Emma. It made me cold to think about what must have happened to them. I hadn't known zombieism was contagious.

The other two were trying to pull the zombies away from someone, a body laying up against a large rock. Running up to them, I saw it was Pat. She was choking, trying to speak. Her hands were bleeding.

joe pancake?

'I--His-- the recipe--' was all I could make of the stutters before I was attacked again. Keli just wouldn't stay away from me. She'd seemed like such a nice girl.

To my left Buzzfloyd was trying to crush Emma with a large rock. Behind me I could hear Jordan swearing at and grappling with Samantha Vimes. I shoved Keli and tripped backwards over the motionless (hopefully dead and killed and re-killed) corroded orange figure of the midget who had once introduced himself to me as We Are Igorth. I closed my eyes and tried to breath. Zombies smell terrible. Ivan the Terrible had not been this foul.

Everything seemed quite hopeless. How could you kill things whose skin molded like mud around every weapon and every attack? How could you put down a creature that had no brain?

When I opened my eyes again Keli was grimacing at me and reaching again for my hair. I grabbed a stick and stabbed at the zombie girl. She wobbled and fell into two of her own kind. Jumping up, I turned to Pat again. She was dying, and she was trying to tell us something important. I wanted to know what it was.

While Jordan and Buzzfloyd fought on both sides of the woman, I crouched over her and tried to wipe the orange goo off her face.

'Yak tongue...' she was wheezing. 'Julienned yak tongue.'

'For what?' I asked in a whisper. 'What for?'

'An onion, and a-- ah-- three--- three gallons.'

yak tongue, onion... I hoped to Ba I would remember this.

'Of mo--monkey brain-- three gallons. Boiled.'

Keli's corpse interrupted us for a minute and tried to tear out my eyes. I slapped her thoroughly, stood up, and shoved her right into the river.

She sank.

'On toast,' Pat was saying. 'But only--'

And then she spasmed dreadfully for a few moments. Her bleeding hands clenched and unclenched.

'Git away from 'er,' Jordan suddenly yelled. He was in the middle of tearing Sam's left arm off.

Pat's face went slack. Orange slime started leaking out of her ears.

joe pancake?

The woman siezed my shirt and wouldn't let go. Her face as she pulled herself upright grew paler and paler.

'But only,' her voice lowered to a growl, 'normal monkeys. And don't eat it. Or any of the toast.

Pat stood up and threw me down. There was blood all over my shirt. I struggled to get back up but Pat had one foot on my right leg. Her eyes no longer recognized me but now had the slimy glazed look Keli's had. I tried to turn my head and find Jordan. He was still struggling with Sam, teasing her with her severed arm, it looked like. I groaned as Pat increased the pressure on my leg.

'Don't eat it,' she repeated slowly. I wondered if I should tell her about the death of her gerbil, or if she had stopped caring about all that.

''ey! 'ey!' Jordan came running over and knocked Pat away. Together the pirate and I headed her off, cornered her against the big rock, got hold of her shoulders, and heaved her into the river, where she and Samantha bobbed for a few minutes and then melted into the flowing current.

Was that it?

'Where's Buzzfloyd?'

'Dunno,' Jordan answered. We looked around. 'There, 'hind that tree. Arr, Brad's caught up ter us I see.'

The llama looked calm but serious. Every once in a while he would glance at Orrdos on the opposite bank, as if waiting for something. An answer, perhaps.

It seemed Buzzfloyd had a wound in her arm, fairly deep. She was trying to clean it out and stop it bleeding while she talked to Brad. Hex, the metal girl, was helping silently.

'What if they come back?' I asked. 'What if--'

'Hex will watch the river. And when we get back to the caves Cynical will send Electric Man too. We won't let them come back.' Buzzfloyd said this all very matter-of-factly.

'How did this happen?' I wanted to know. 'Why is Orrdos just standing there?'

Brad shook his head.

'Let's go,' the llama said after a pause. 'Hex, stay. Watch. Warn us if the river wakes again.'

With one more look back at Orrdos and Fred, Brad turned and led us southwest, uphill and away from the river.

'Are you alright, Buzzfloyd?' I asked finally. She smiled a little and shrugged.

'You?'

I shrugged back. 'I thought Ivan was awful,' I said. 'Full zombies are worse.' My skin still itched.

joe pancake?

Zombilicious! What's with the wounds and the itch? And the strange name of the person going to protect the river?

Tell us more...

(Playing blind Pictionary, me drawing)
Ella: Is it a giraffe?
Me (stops drawing): No
Ella: Star Trek?
Me: Yes!

eschewing the sunrise

We walked until we found an entrance to the underground caves. It was one I hadn't seen before, and it led, by way of a narrow little duct, to a really big room full of chairs.

We crossed it quickly, without a word. And then the same corridors, the same damp underground feeling in the air, and then the big cavernous room with the mural. I remembered Hermes. Nobody had asked about him. Brad didn't seem to want to know why he hadn't come back with me. Staring at all those colorful Freds, I almost missed the blond freak. I hoped he liked pirating.

A flurry of something dark and red and vaguely spiked cracked my reverie open and I turned my head. Something flew down out of the dark, emanating a grand, throbbing electrical-sounding chord. It was thrilling.

Brad, with a great reaching jump and a little llama growl, caught the bug in his teeth. The chord sustained itself, only slightly muffled.

'Stp tht,' Brad mumbled, his teeth clenched.

'Brad, let him go,' Buzzfloyd scolded, taking a seat under the mural.

'Whut is it?' Jordan asked, backing away slightly.

I turned distractedly back to the mural for a minute, peering up at the dimly lit wall. It almost made me sick to realize Hermes wouldn't ever remember painting it. Maybe he wouldn't ever see Fred again.

But then, what was so important about Fred?

I glared back at Brad. The loud whmm noise had faded away and he'd let the little creature out of his mouth and now it was flittering around, turning somersaults in mid-air. The llama was grinning an odd grin.

'I want a bath. Please.' I said. Brad ignored me. I turned to Buzzfloyd. She had the same sort of grin on her face, as if smiling at an old friend who was making a fool of himself in a most entertaining way. Sighing, I sat down next to her. How she could lounge so comfortably covered with zombie slime and with a wound in her arm, I had no idea.

'About time you showed up, Pepster,' she said to the thing after it had done a backflip onto her head.

Pepster climbed down the side of her head and then walked off her shoulder to stand about six inches in front of her face. 'Thought you might want me around for a bit. I hear the most outrageous rumors about this round. How are you doing?'

Buzzfloyd shook her head. Brad settled down at her feet and answered for her. 'We just tossed a few zombies into the river. Dragonmother's gone and hurled herself off the cliffs.'

'And Malory?' Pepster asked, sitting down on nothing and letting himself float steadily down to rest on a stool.

joe pancake?

Oh wow.

And: woah.

That was all very creepy. But I still want more.

amelia: yo
i am a yoyo.

Chris: yes

poured out on the coffee table

I looked suddenly at Buzzfloyd, and then at Jordan, who was leaning against a table and apparently about to sneeze.

Brad looked at me. 'What, Plaid? What is it?'

And then they were all staring at me and I had no time to think how I might hide the truth in my face. But I tried to affect an ignorance, somehow, all the time looking to Buzzfloyd to say something. She said nothing.

'Nothing,' I smiled a short-lived smile.

Pepster eyed me, his small face trying to make judgements and keep them to himself. He was four inches tall and he had horns hidden in that tawny spiked hair.

'The Catface,' Brad answered at last, 'is anchored in the east. If were weren't so busy following tangents off into nowhere, we'd be figuring out his next moves.' He finished this statement by glaring at me. I sneered back.

They proceeded to talk about the Sock Wars. I removed Jordan's hat, leaned back, and stared up into space. Malory was dead. Orrdos was acting like a lunatic coward. I was covered in solidifying orange zombie river goo.

'--Mazekin's been a right treat, yes. But none of the mermaidens keep up with news. 'Course they don't wear socks so it doesn't affect them, really, and it's only Mossfoot that's had anything to do with--' Pepster was saying.

I stood up and wandered off. There had to be a bathtub in this place somewhere. Hadn't I seen showers... somewhere... days and days ago?

joe pancake?

I discovered Jordan was following me as I turned a corner too slowly for him and he stepped on my bare heel.

'Where ye goin'?' was all he said to my annoyance.

I said nothing. He continued to follow me. I guessed he could use a bath too.

We ran into Colonesque outside of his room. He was about to pay us no mind when he suddenly stared. 'You. Plaid.'

I smiled, a little nervous. 'Hi,' I said.

'Where's Doors?'

'River,' Jordan supplied.

'Dragonmother?'

'Dead.' Jordan seemed happy to do the talking. I glowered briefly at him, turning his hat over in my hands.

Colonesque looked grave.

'Colonesque--' I started, 'Colonesque, is there a bathtub?' I was practically begging.

The man with the funny hat looked thoughtful. 'There is,' he said, 'But it don't work.'

'There isn't anything? Any way we can get these zombie guts off us?'

'Zombie guts!?' Colonesque shreiked and recoiled from the two of us.

'Yeah, zombie guts!' Jordan yelled. 'An' yer Doors is still down there at the river, starin' stupidly at the pile a bodies! With that dumb fat elephant!'

Colonesque tried to run into his room and shut the door as fast as he could. I wasn't sure what Jordan thought would come of him pushing his way inside, but that's what the pirate did.

I went in with them both, just so I could see what happened next.

joe pancake?