For over six hundred years there has been rural bliss across the northern counties of England... until now.

Four little words, echoing with terror and menace are circulating around Durham and Northumberland... "The Scots are coming!"

Children are cowering in dark places, women are desparately baking batches of 'Battle Stotties' and men are nervously looking at anyone wearing a skirt wondering whether the beard belongs to their mother in law or the enemy.
Musicians are to be seen buying ear defenders in preparaton for those sacks with pipes that passes for music on those cold and dreary mountainside glens.

In short, and I have it on good autority, Randywine is heading south to Durham to experience civillization...

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like grandpa. Not screaming and panicking like his passengers.
Don't drink and drive from The Lancre Tavern

Ahh... well 'tis true. myself and Mrs R. have had the forger and the scrounger hard at work to create papers and passports which will hopefully pass muster. All work has ceased on Tom and Dick so we will be using Harry to get under the fence. Remember 'English at all times'.

I'm not so sure about experiencing civilisation... I think I did that once in Leeds and I have only just come off the medication.

I think, though, we will leave the blue woad and the barbarian hordes at home this time, they always only complain about their feet anyhow.

Yes, we are heading south to visit the Joculator and his good lady, and to get chips. Of course.

R.

Q. How do you write?
A. One word at a time.

And verrrrrrrrra welcome you'll all be.

If you would care to travel down on a motorbike, I can let you have the GPS co-ordinates of a small, sloping field with quite a low fence surrounding it. (That should save you a little time looking for the A64/M5/Route 66 or whatever road you eventually choose)

Thankfully, there is a good gap between Durham and Leeds so you can leave your medication at home. (People seem to forget that not only do us Northerners prevent the hardened Border Reivers getting into our territory, we also prevent the 'Southern Pansies' (q.v. Good Omens) getting into your neck of the woods.

Ach man, if you're coming down in plain clothes you'll stand out like a sore thumb. Wear a curry stained T-shirt and a flat cap and you should fit in perfectly coming through Newcastle.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like grandpa. Not screaming and panicking like his passengers.
Don't drink and drive from The Lancre Tavern

I thought the southern pansies were everyone south of the north pole...

PhD Student: Research information sheet

There once was a man named Bruce
Who liked to sit on a spruce
He ate lots of chowder
And yelled at me louder:
"I'm talking to YOU, Mrs. Hughes!"
--> The Literary Genius: Mowgli

I think that's only when your are standing at the North Pole.

I fear the southern pansies may be anyone south of Joculator.

R.

Q. How do you write?
A. One word at a time.

I think there is a big sign over the M1 motorway, just to the south of Yorkshire, that officially warns you, you are crossing to 'The South'.

Mind you, if the scientists have got it right and the magnetic poles are due to flip over we could all be in big trouble.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like grandpa. Not screaming and panicking like his passengers.
Don't drink and drive from The Lancre Tavern

Sounds like fun, fellas. If you're wanting to experience the "Real South" then you'll have to come over the little pond and see good ole Dixieland.

Every fight is a food fight to a cannibal. - Demetri Martin

A trip on a river boat, play a few hands of poker and have a meal in one or two jazz clubs has been on my bucket list for a number of years. So I'm hoping to put a tick beside that one when I'm rich and not so infamous.

The worrying thing is, and this is probably due to the portrayal of the area by some recent travelogue programmes on UK TV; I'm not sure if I'll have to purchase a banjo as a compulsory travel accessory for such a trip.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like grandpa. Not screaming and panicking like his passengers.
Don't drink and drive from The Lancre Tavern

How do you get 2 banjo players to play in tune?

Shoot one of the banjo players.

Heh heh.

Diril-ing-ting-ding

R.

Q. How do you write?
A. One word at a time.

I raise Nate's southern experience with my southern experience... Honestly i can see the kangaroos outside my lounge room window...

PhD Student: Research information sheet

There once was a man named Bruce
Who liked to sit on a spruce
He ate lots of chowder
And yelled at me louder:
"I'm talking to YOU, Mrs. Hughes!"
--> The Literary Genius: Mowgli