Flat pack, self assembly furniture was created by Satan himself.

If you are buying a self-assembly unit for an alcove, measure both the top, middle and bottom of the alcove, because 40+ years ago, builders could not make a wall in a straight line; it will get narrower towards the top and the d*%m thing won't fit.

Invest in a plane*

Make sure to have a good supply of plasters on hand.

*Woodworking tool, not a jet.

I learned, if you have something in your room that you do not want other people to see, it is a bad idea to let two four old boys to play in there. My friend let her son and his friend play while she and the other boys mom cooked. When I came into the house, the boys said, "Hi Lynda, we made a mess in mommies room." Upon investigating I saw the boys had gotten into my friends, "naughty box" and got lubricant, and other lotions all over her room. Plus they found a few other items that I won't mention here.

Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies prefer a banana

That is hilarious. Boys should always be locked outside to play. Preferably chained close to the street with a long chain. It keeps them out of trouble that way.

Every fight is a food fight to a cannibal. - Demetri Martin

The song Hernando's Hideaway still has the power to make me smile

Ice is weaaaaally swippewy... (Knew that already but was painfully reminded of it recently...)

Damn Spider pig

It's a funny habit, but as you get older, you keep looking at people your own age and think to yourself, 'My God, surely I don't look that old!'

Well life being the bitch that she is, put me in a funny situation this morning.
I was visiting my mate at his music shop in the town and enjoying a cup of coffee when a stroppy customer came bursting in, made straight for us and interrupted our conversation.
I stepped back to avoid being crushed by her ample bulk and took a good look at her. The untidy grey hair, wrinkles and distinctive body odour had me thinking how some people let themselves go to rot as they get older.
'Do you know anyone who can teach my grandson how to play the recorder?' she demanded.
My mate, always the gentleman, pointed to me and simply said 'He can,' in a rather choked voice.

She rounded on me as I automatically produced one of my cards and gave it to her.

'Hmmm... Stan Tunstall-Otterburn. I used to know someone of that name when I was at school.'

Aged memory circuits clicked into action. I remembered a tall, slim, athletic redhead whom I'd spent several weeks trying to persuade to go to the cinema with me.

'I went to Chester Road School,' she continued ,'were you there?'

'Well... errr... yes.'

'You must remember me then... you were in my class.'

At this point because of her attitude, my humour and total bastard circuits became confused... All I could say was...

'Sorry... What subject did you teach?'


I still reckon I'm not that old....

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like grandpa. Not screaming and panicking like his passengers.
Don't drink and drive from The Lancre Tavern

Joc, I take my hat off to you; that was excellent!

With everything stored in cardboard boxes you don't need every day, things don't get tidier. On the contrary, chaos ensues, just as if you'd just piled everything up on a heap the floor.

"Hoher Sinn liegt oft im kindischen Spiel." (Friedrich Schiller)

I learned today (well, yesterday, actually) that there are people that take corners wide and too fast, on wet pavement, and then still try to blame you when they crash their car into yours.

Accident picture

_Light moves faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak._

Hooray for airbags! And once people have stated something -no matter how obviously stupid- they usually stick to it. :(

"Hoher Sinn liegt oft im kindischen Spiel." (Friedrich Schiller)

Actually, Anabela's airbag didn't go off, because she was stopped at the moment of impact. His however did. She's a bit sore and has some bruises from the seatbelts.

_Light moves faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright, until you hear them speak._

I may have caused WWIII in my family because of a pesky little 8.8 earthquake in Chile...and a couple of hundred aftershocks...and the Irish and English Foreign Office saying 'don't bloody well go there!'...oh, and a Tidal Wave...My bad...

Sometimes I wish I was an only child...

Carrots make a mess when they explode in the microwave

So does one M&M.

I've learnt that you can never provide students with too much information or options. No matter what you do there will always be someone who pops up with "but..."

PhD Student: Research information sheet

There once was a man named Bruce
Who liked to sit on a spruce
He ate lots of chowder
And yelled at me louder:
"I'm talking to YOU, Mrs. Hughes!"
--> The Literary Genius: Mowgli

I have learned that one can, amazingly, have too much cake.

Damn Spider pig