The Joke Thread

[Electric_Man]

"I say I say I say, what do you call a joke thread started by Electric_Man?"
"Um..."
"'The Joke Thread'!"



Post any jokes you like/made up in this thread. They can be funny if you want.

[sleepy_sarge]

This just in via e-mail...

These might give an indication of the scale of the problems facing our council colleagues. A selection of clips from council
complaint letters:

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his c**k wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

[fairyliquid]

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take
the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues
to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies. (Thinking isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
³Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

[Perdita]

Now, Why did I not think of starting this thread :roll:


Old Sean lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:


Dear Mick,

I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Father,

For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them feckin' BODIES!

Love, Mick


At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet.

That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Father,

Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Mick

[sleepy_sarge]

THe ultimate e-mail chain letter?
======================


** WARNING - NEW SCAM **

Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit
that this one is important. Please protect everyone you know by sending
this to your entire email list. If a man comes to your front door and
says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, DO NOT
show him your bum. This is a scam he only wants to see your bum. I wish
I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.

[Mooseman]

10 Things to Freak out your Roommate

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!"

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

[mowgli]

There once was a monk, who was famous even amongst his brothers as an example of righteousness and piety. He had dedicated himself to religion at a very young age, and it was said that he had never as much as an impure thought in his whole life. When the man finally passed away, everyone was certain that he'll go straight to Heaven.

Sure enough, St. Peter himself was there to greet the guy.
"We are very impressed with you up here!", he said. "You went above and beyond the call of duty in your religious obligations - we had never seen a more dedicated soul. If there's anything we can reward you with, any wish you'd like to see granted - just say the word"

The man was as humble as he was chaste. "Oh, I'm already ecstatic at the thought that God is pleased with me. I'm in Heaven, I'm with the saints and the angels, what more can I possibly ask for?"

But St. Peter insisted - "Oh come on, there's gotta be something!" - and finally the man admitted, that he had always wanted to read the very first version of the Bible - as written by those who had received the law from God's own mouth, - with no danger of mistakes or mistranslations.

"No problem" - says St.Peter and immediately an ancient-looking scroll materializes in his hands. "Here you go - exactly as it was first written!"

The man cries with joy, and St. Peter leaves him alone, to read undisturbed.

A short while later, though, he hears an anguished cry:


"Arrghhhg!!! CELEBRATE!!! It says - "CELEBRATE!!!"

[fairyliquid]

I don't know if we have any Poles on the boards but its good anyway...

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof.
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."

[mowgli]

...ach..where is my trout!!!!...

(Actually, there is a place near my work, called PolishPlus, which deals with varnishes of some kind... But every time, unfailedly, I read it as "POLE-ishPlus", as in "We got Polish people and then some!")

[Garner]

not trying to be a kill joy, but would this be better off in the fools guild, or did we want it in the boardanian forum? I'll be happy to move it if it went in the wrong one, but i got no problem with it staying here

[fairyliquid]

Im happy with it anywhere...it was made here before the fools guild existed but if it fits better there then is fine with me

[Garner]

well, I'm now quite confused as to why a thread of mine was moved there which I don't think belongs there, but this one didn't get moved, when it does belogn there... but oh well. I'll go stab people until things get sorted out.

[Garner]

Okay, there's a discussion in the temple thread about the necessity of the 'fools guild' forum. if we do need it, i'd like to move this thread there.

Can anyone who has anything to say please comment in the Temple?

[Garner]

This stuff ought to be stickied, i think. if anyone objects, we can unsticky it.

[Dane]

life in a nutshell:

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God agreed.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.

For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.


On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," God said.
"You asked for it."


So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

courtsy of my wonderful girlfriend Jessicar