The Joke Thread

[TheJackal]

A man is walking past a lunatic asylum when he overhears a big crowd of inmates shouting over and over "13, 13, 13".
His curiousity gets the better of him, so the man decides to stand on a box nearby and peer in through a barred window.
Just as he looks in, a finger jabs him in the eye.
Falling off the box and screaming in pain, the inmates start up a new chant: "14, 14, 14...."

[colonesque10]

I heard this joke drunk in the pub on friday night so you'll have to bear with me.

A man's walking past another mans room in a hotel, the doors open. He walks into the room and finds the man standing on the balcony looking at the view.

"Great view" Says the man who'd just walked into the room.
"Yeah it is" Says the other man, a little taken a back by the stranger.
"If you look down there you can see the second floor bar...see"
"Oh yes, and what about it" Says the room owner.
"I bet you I could jump down and get us both a pint from that bar" Says the stranger "I bet you a pint"
"NO WAY" Says the man "It's 6 stories down"
"I bet you I can" says the stranger
"Ok, prove it"

The stranger jumps out of the window stops abruptly at the second floor, goes the bar and returns to the room with a pint for them.
"Amazing" Says the man "How did you do that"
"Easy" says the stranger "Anyone can do it in this humid climate"
"I don't believe that" says the man
"I'll do it again to prove it you then, then you can do to"

Again the stranger jumps out of the window stops abruptly at the second floor, goes the bar and returns to the room with a pint for them

"Okay i'll do it" says the room owner.

He jumps out of the window goes sailing past the second floor and splats on the floor.

A few minutes later the stranger goes down to the bar and asks the barman for a pint.

"tut tut" the barman says "your a bastard when you've had a pint superman.

[Bradthewonderllama]

Ahhh, good jokes are international!

[spiky]

My boyfriend told me this joke. Its really lame and I apologise in advance...

I went to the zoo the other day.

It had a dog.

It was a shitzu.




I did warn you.

[BadAnnie]

Todays lesson on important historical figures:

Ghandi was a great man. He walked barefoot everwhere he went. He prayed at least 12 hours a day. He only ever ate rice and drank water.


Therefore you could him a .....

*cue music*


supercallousedfragilemystichexedbyhalitosis

[OmKranti]

My mother loves that joke.

[Bradthewonderllama]

Soviet era humor (-:

It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed. The leaders shook hands.

Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:

"Private Jones! Front and center."

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.

"Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff."

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

"Private Jones! Jump!"

Jones just stood there, unmoving.

"Private Jones! I said jump!"

The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.

"Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Private Jones wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife--and a family!"

The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Reagan backed off in disgrace. It was now Gorbachev's turn.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center."

Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff."

Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!"

Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.

By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.

As Dmitrivich is carried passed Private Jones, Jones cannot resist asking him:

"Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?"

Dmitrivich answered: "I had to! I have a wife--and a family!"

[shadowgirl]

follow this link and watch

I don't know if this is hilarious or just sad. But it made me laugh

[shadowgirl]

There was a bank worker named Patricia Whack. One day, a frog came up to her desk and said

"Hello. I really need a loan.", the frog croaked.

"Sorry, but we don't give loans to frogs." Patricia told him.

"Please help me out. Here is a paper weight. Take it as a deposit."

"I'm sorry, I can't help you."

"Well, listen, right. My dad is Mick Jagger, and I really need this loan." the frog begged.

Patricia asked the frog to wait and went to see her manager. She told him what had happened, that the frog claimed his father was Mick Jagger and presented the paper weight.

"I mean, what is it?" she tutted.
Her manager sighed and said:


Wait for it.............

"It's a nick nack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[OmKranti]

I think I might have heard that joke when I was about 12 years old. Funny how some things never die.

Ok, joke for you.

A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

[Hermia]

OmKranti, your sig made me laugh more than all of the jokes put together!

[Pixel]

A little collection I received from a (female) friend (sexism, anybody?):

Never try to outsmart a woman!
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and the rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?
"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."


Women Are Smarter Than Men
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!


Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


Wife Vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

Stupid And Beautiful
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

The Beast
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me." So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a mouse?"

Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"

[colonesque10]

BEN!

[Electric_Man]

What do you call a squeeky voiced tw...it who can't go on msn?

Kenneth

[colonesque10]

[quote:e1e5f91aab="Electric_Man"]What do you call a squeeky voiced tw...it who can't go on msn?

Kenneth[/quote:e1e5f91aab]

Only my Mum is allowed to call me Kenneth, Ben. Also please refrain from using that kind of language when children may be online, Kenneth is a terrible word.