The Joke Thread

[Pixel]

Marcia, that is a classic piece of comedy writing - the whole build-up - instantly recognisable by any man who who has suffered the secondary effects of PMS* - capped by that punchline - great!

*If secondary smoking is a major hazard to physical health, then secondary PMS must be considered as a major hazard to mental health - at least for us poor males who have to bear the brunt of it - there could be a new definition of love there - "A man who wants to be part of your life even when you are pre-menstrual"

[Saccharissa]

Pixel, just change the goddamn light bulb as soon as it goes off and offer chocolate. Lots of chocolate. This ought to keep you safe.

A General Practician, a Psychiatrist, a Surgeon and a Pathologist go out duck hunting.

The GP spots something in the sky. "It looks like a duck, it flies like a duck, it is a duck" he says and shoots it down.

The Psychiatrist spots something in the sky. "It looks like a duck, it doesn't [i:60c0752f3b]feel[/i:60c0752f3b] like a duck, ah well, I might as well shoot it down anyway" and shoots it down.

The Surgeon spots something in the sky and immediately starts blasting at it. Then he walks over to the fallen bird, picks up it blood drenched remains, shows it to the Pathologist and asks "What the hell is that?"

[Buzzfloyd]

[quote:75494debfa="Pixel"]Marcia, that is a classic piece of comedy writing - the whole build-up - instantly recognisable by any man who who has suffered the secondary effects of PMS* - capped by that punchline - great!

*If secondary smoking is a major hazard to physical health, then secondary PMS must be considered as a major hazard to mental health - at least for us poor males who have to bear the brunt of it - there could be a new definition of love there - "A man who wants to be part of your life even when you are pre-menstrual" [/quote:75494debfa]
What's the difference between BSE and PMT?

One's mad cow disease, the other is an agricultural problem.

[Tephlon]

Woman: It's a pity about that actress who stabbed someone with her knife. What's her name? ...Um...Reese?
Chick: Witherspoon?
Woman: No! With her knife!

From the "Overheard in New York"-site

[Smoking_GNU]

Man Falls Asleep At Church...

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[Pixel]

[quote:fe90978af8="Buzzfloyd"][quote:fe90978af8="Pixel"]Marcia, that is a classic piece of comedy writing - the whole build-up - instantly recognisable by any man who who has suffered the secondary effects of PMS* - capped by that punchline - great!

*If secondary smoking is a major hazard to physical health, then secondary PMS must be considered as a major hazard to mental health - at least for us poor males who have to bear the brunt of it - there could be a new definition of love there - "A man who wants to be part of your life even when you are pre-menstrual" [/quote:fe90978af8]
What's the difference between BSE and PMT?

One's mad cow disease, the other is an agricultural problem.[/quote:fe90978af8]

Buzzfloyd - you're lucky - if I had read this post about a second later the glass would have reached my lips and I would have had a mouthfull - the laughter explosion would have drowned my computer and I would have been forced to sue!

[Buzzfloyd]

It always made me laugh. All I can say is that Garner is a very forgiving and understanding man.

[redneck]

May I be stupid and ask what PMT is? And would someone be nice and tell me?

[Tephlon]

Pre-Menstrual Tension.

[redneck]

Aha. Now it's much more funny. Thanks Phlon.

[Bradthewonderllama]

An Electrical, Mechanical, and civil engineer were sitting around the card table one night when the nature of God came up. Obviously, God was an engineer ,they all agreed, but of what sort?

"Easy!", says the Mechanical, "Let us look at Man. Look at the joints and bones and muscles to move everything. God is a mechanical engineer!"

"Bull!", says the Electrical, "You wouldn't move without the nervous systems, and the intricate electrical play between them. God is an electrical engineer!"

"You're both wrong.", says the Civil, "God is a civil engineer! Who else would put a waste water pipe through a recreational zone!?"

[roisindubh211]

THE LESSON

“Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Then Simon Peter said,
“Are we supposed to know this?”
And Andrew said,
“Do we have to write this down?”
And James said,
“Will we have a test on this?”
And Phillip said,
“I don’t have any paper.”
And Bartholomew said,
“Do we have to turn this in?”
And John said,
“The other disciples didn’t have to learn this.”
And Matthew said,
“May I go to the boys’ room?”
And Judas said,
“What does this have to do with real life?”

Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to se Jesus’s lesson plan and inquired of Jesus, “Where is your anticipatory set and your objectives in the cognitive domain?”

And Jesus wept.

[Smoking_GNU]

[size=12:dfaca58f93]What do you say after canoodeling!!!![/size:dfaca58f93]

Aries
I' m hungry, pass the pizza.

Taurus
Okay, let's do it again.

Gemini
Have you seen the TV remote?

Cancer
When are we getting married?

Leo
Wasn't I fantastic?

Virgo
I need to wash the sheets.

Libra
I liked it if you liked it.

Scorpio
Perhaps I should untie you.

Sagittarius
Don't call me, I'll call you.

Capricorn
Do you have a business card?

Aquarius
Now let's do it again and again and again and again...

Pisces
What did you say your name was?

[sleepy_sarge]

Bird Flu - it was only a matter of time before this came out

http://ouwho.co.uk/bbcnews/

[shadowgirl]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."