The Joke Thread

[Garner]

thanks for reposting that Dane!

[Dane]

It's ok, I have plenty of jokes. I would have posted that here first but I didn't really see it as a joke, more of an analysis

This is a fairly well known joke but a classic nonetheless

There were three man walking through a jungle when they came across a cannibal tribe of pigmy’s

The pigmy king approached the travellers (reaching an impressive 3 ft!)

"You, strange men! go into the jungle and get 10 pieces of fruit, there will be a test after this. If you pass then you will join us in our mighty feast and we will help you get out of the jungle. If however you are to fail you shall [i:c738c0fe51]be[/i:c738c0fe51] the feast!"

So rather nervously the three men went back into the jungle, the first man (as it always is in such jokes) came back first. He held in his arms ten rather large apples!

"OK, you test is to put each of those apples up your bottom without making any facial moment!" said the pigmy king

So nervously the man began. Somehow he managed to get up apple up his bottom without making any facial movement but the second was to much, he screamed in pain and they ate him

The second man was the next to emerge from the jungle. He held in his arms 10 small jungle berries. The pigmy king ordered him to place them all up his bum.

Obviously he wasn't too happy with this but he did it anyway. However on the 10th berry he began laughing hysterically! The pigmy’s true to their word ate him in their feast.

The first and second man met some time after in their afterlives. The first man was interested to know why he had laughed; he was so close to getting his feast and his ticket out of the jungle when he laughed.

The second man replied thusly:

"Well it wasn't so bad and the end was in sight, but just before the 10th berry went in I saw the third man coming back with ten pineapples!"

[Hsing]

Sorry for the language problems, but I translated it from German...
-------------------------------------------
Dear colleagues and fellow users,

Last year I switched from program version "girlfriend 7.0" to version "wife 1.0". I had to find out that the program initiated an unexpected son-process and takes up a lot of space and important resources. The manual does not mention this phenomenon.
Besides that, “wife 1.0” installs itself into all other running programs and boots itself automatically, slowing down all other activities.

The applications “strip club 10.3”, “drinking bout 2.5” and “soccer 5.0” no longer work at all, and the system crashes whenever I try to start them. Unfortunately I can not minimize “wife 1.0” while using my prefered applications. I seriously think about returning to “girlfriend 7.0”, but whenever I run the uninstall-program, I see a pop up that tells me to use the program “divorce 1.0” first, and that is far too expensive for me.

Could you please help me?

Thank You.

Best regards
Mr. XX

---------------------------------------------------

Answer from the technical aid service:

Dear user,

This is a complaint we get on a regular basis. In most cases, one of the reasons is a misconception about the nature of the program. Many users switch from “girlfriend 7.0” to “wife 1.0” because they expect it to be a program of the “ames and Applications”-class. “Wife 1.0” though is an OPERATING SOFTWARE! It has been developed to control all other functions.

When “wife 1.0” is installed, hidden data is being installed that makes reloading “girlfriend 7.0” impossible. It is not possible to move, delete or de-install these data. Some users even tried installing “girlfriend 8.0” or “wife 2.0”, together with “divorce 1.0”, but in the end they claimed having more trouble than before.

Read the manual and the chapter “Warnings: alimony payments – running maintenance expenses from “child 1.0” on and higher”.

I suggest you stay with “wife 1.0” and make the best of it.

I myself installed “wife 1.0” years ago and get along by keeping strictly to the directions in the manual, especially to the ones in the chapter about “communication failure”. Take responsibility for all failures, wether you caused them or not. The best solution is often to
C: apology.exe

Limit the use of the ESC tab, or you will have to run C:apology.exe more often to make “wife 1.0” run normally again.
Despite the high operating costs, “wife 1.0” can be an interesting program. There is also the possibility to unstill updates to increase its capabilities. I recommend “flowers 2.1” and “chocolates 13.0”.

Greetings
Your Technical Aid Service
------------------------------------------------------------------

[Hsing]

My own husband added:
“Well, I have to say my problems arenot so much caused by the operating system wife.1 than from the troyan "daughter.05", which I downloaded as a harmless game program. Once started, it multiplied itself into all folders of “mainframe life 1.0” and is blocking the entire server “flat 16.0”. It caused chaos in the entire directory structure and ignores every command like “end process”. Instead it interrupts every other application running on the working station, causes them to crash and produces pop ups of doubtful content. I suppose I have to accept the fact that my administrator rights on my own system will be limited for the rest of my life."

[Delphine]

Heh, that's great.

[fairyliquid]

I have tons of jokes, its just a matter of finding them all...this is a good one though

Mujibar was trying to get into Canada legally through Immigration. The
Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the required tests, but
there is one more compulsory test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter
Canada."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and
say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar'."

Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Dell computers
help desk.

[fairyliquid]

and another one...

[size=18:cf80924bf2][b:cf80924bf2]Subject: English improvement (gud one)[/b:cf80924bf2][/size:cf80924bf2]

The European Commission have just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official
language of the EU rather than German, which was the
other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling
had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5
year phase in plan that would be known as
"EuroEnglish":

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c"..
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with
joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the
"k".. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan
have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with
the "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be expekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double
letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate
speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of
the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and
they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze
fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd
from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of
kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten
styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and
evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

[b:cf80924bf2]ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU![/b:cf80924bf2]

[Buzzfloyd]

Hsing, your husband's addition was the best!

[queenynci]

[quote:63d32cfa9b="fairyliquid"]

Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Dell computers
help desk.[/quote:63d32cfa9b]

Nah, he works for AOL

[fairyliquid]

[quote:7229659568="queenynci"][quote:7229659568="fairyliquid"]

Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Dell computers
help desk.[/quote:7229659568]

Nah, he works for AOL [/quote:7229659568]

I think he has many many jobs

[Tephlon]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ladies of negotiable affection and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get aroused. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ONE, TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did It go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get... exited."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the bed."



Edit: Extra letters are bad, bad, I say!

[Tephlon]

Just in via e-mail:

14 things to do for a bloke when the missus is busy shopping.

01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.
02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.
04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens.
05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.
06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...The voices.... !!!"
14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

[queenynci]

Forget the husband, I think I will try some of these :badgrin:

[Smoking_GNU]

Evil Overlord List


1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artefact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object that is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." 17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. 18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery, which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. 29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. 32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cellblock, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast that I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact that can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and oddball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports, which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits that could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. 84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." 86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's super weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency; the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.


I know this is a bit long, but i hope jou all enjoy it!

[redneck]

Thanks smoking, I kept trying to remember movies/stories where the dictator acted in such ways as to lead to this particular list. I got an idea for most of them, but some of them I didn't. Did anyone else do that?

Or am I just wierd?

Ok, that last question may be moot.