The Joke Thread

[Stercus, Stercus]

The Ferrari F1 team manager decided to employ some Scouse pit crew due to their renowned skill in removing car wheels quickly. At the first practice session, not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds, but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold it to the McLaren team for 8 cans of Stella and a bag of weed.

[chrisjordan]

*glares*

[Stercus, Stercus]

Sorry, I'm sad at the sad loss of my camera and I feel the need to bring everyone else down too.

[chrisjordan]

*continues to glare*

[Stercus, Stercus]

You'll stay like that if the wind changes.

[chrisjordan]

*steals Stercus' kneecaps*

[Stercus, Stercus]

Oi! I need those.

[Buzzfloyd]

This isn't what's happened to Kenny, is it? He's had his kneecaps stolen and been sold to McLaren! Dale, I thought it was just Rinso you kept in there!

[Stercus, Stercus]

An Irish family were found frozen to death outside a Dublin cinema, they had been queueing for three weeks to see “Closed for the winter”

[jaccairn]

One my brother-in-law sent me.


An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first patient he sees, and the man proclaims:

"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!"

The English doctor, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it."

This continues with the next patient:

"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

"Well," the English doctor mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Oh no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the serious Burns unit."

[TamyraMcG]

Lol

[Katcal]

Predictable ending, but funny !

[TheJackal]

A comedian asks a friend for advice on how to make his act funnier. His friend says he should talk more about current affairs.

So the comedian replies: "Your wife is rubbish in bed!"

[Stercus, Stercus]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

[pfft]

One day a man walks into a pet shop and asks for a really unusual pet.
"You're in luck, sir", says the owner, and hands him a tortoise.
"What's so special about this?" asks the man doubtfully.
"Ullo", says the tortoise. "Oh, I see! It can talk!" Exclaims the man excitedly.
"Yes", says the owner, "and it can also run errands for you."
"Okay, I'll take it." He pays the owner and leaves with the tortoise.
That evening the man is watching T.V. and says to his new pet...
"Okay, Sonny Jim, make yerself useful and get me a paper from the shop."
He gives the tortoise the money and it sets off.
6 weeks later, and still no sign of the tortoise.
In frustration, the man goes to the front door to have a look and sees the tortoise halfway up the garden path.
"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!!! 6 FECKING WEEKS I'VE BEEN WAITING!!! YOU'RE SO FECKING SLOW!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT CONNED INTO BUYING YOU!!! WHERE THE HELL'S MY PAPER???
And the tortoise says- "Well, if you're gonna be like that, I won't go!