1. It is wise to always know where your cigarette is in relation to your body and whatever it is you are doing. Answering your phone with it in your mouth and accidentally hitting the phone off the lit end, making said end fall into your clevage is seriously not a good thing to have done. It hurts, burns and will leave a mark.

2. When removing a burning ember from within your clothing, it is a good thing not to do it when sitting on your faveourite blanket. Inevitably, a piece of it will scorch your faveourite blanket, making your curse like the dickens.

3. Never, ever let anyone in your family know about points 1 and 2. They will make your life a living hell.

4. It is unwise to try to remove a box of chocolate from a 3 year old's hands. They will scream and it won't be pretty. Even if it was your chocolate in the first place.

5. The bulb in the bathroom light will go out at 1 in the morning when all the shops around are closed and you have a guest staying. Sorry Cousin Brian, but you will have to pee in the dark. Please try and hit the mark.

6. Catwoman, while not the best movie in the world, wasn't actually that bad. I will admit to that in any court of your choosing.

7. I love Lolcats ‘n’ Funny Pictures - I Can Has Cheezburger? it makes me laugh. Funny cats. I will not admit to that in court.

8. It is wise to make sure that you can see out of the back window of your car before reversing. You might nearly hit your neighbour.

9. My neighbour has a good sense of humour. And will not sue.

10. My sister really wants me to buy a dog. No matter how many times I tell her I want a cat.

11. I do not learn from my mistakes. Please see points 1 and 2...and possibly 8.