* * *
The entire city was covered in ice. There were no hovercars in the sky. Everyone was hiding in the warmth of their homes.
Doors' phone bleeped as he received another text. He sighed. 'Guys, I don't think Kenny's going to be able to make it. He didn't win the election, so he was on his way back... and then something else happened.'
'What?'
'He drove into a wardrobe and found himself in another world.'
The remainder of the DMC Siblinghood shook their heads in disbelief.
'Ba, what are you doing with all these fireworks?' asked Ben, as they watched him place the last one under a parked car.
'Ba is preparing to reclaim his former notoriety,' said Ba.
'Well, I hope you've read the safety instructions, at least.'
'Generally, fireworks are lit and then go bang. This is appropriate for Ba's task.'
'What
is Ba's task, exactly?' asked Doors.
'Ba plans to blow up the city.'
The group gasped collectively. 'Fireworks are so pretty,' said Dale.
'Exactly,' said Doors. 'Pretty. As far as the entire city goes, that's about all the impression they're going to make. Why don't you go back a step and use gunpowder?'
'A fright is all the inferiors need,' replied Ba.
'That doesn't sound very evil.'
'Doors, don't encourage him,' said Ben.
Ba mumbled something inaudible. Doors thought he heard the words 'old' and 'lady'.
'How's it all going to work?' asked Ben.
Ba grinned evilly. 'Remote detonation.'
'Will there be spoons?' asked Rinso.
* * *
Obob McGlory gazed passionately at the camera, as the entire world tuned in.
'All of our lives, we have fought this Bean. Tonight I believe we can end it. Tonight is not an accident. There are no accidents. We have not come here by chance. I do not believe in chance. When I see twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree, I do not see coincidence. I see providence. I see purpose. I believe it our fate to be here. It is our destiny. I believe this night holds for each and every one of us, the very meaning of our lives.'
The sound guy looked at the cameraman. 'What's he on about?' he whispered.
'Who knows?' said the cameraman. 'He's almost as crazy as the Emperor himself.'
'Oh, I wouldn't go
that far,' said the sound guy. 'Emperor C's pretty unhinged. And all because of that unfortunate incident with the skateboard and the polar bear.'
* * *
Two figures stood in the snow, facing each other in plump snowmen outfits.
'So it has come to this,' said Chrisbot.
'Fo' shizzle,' said Jesnails. They were dressed for an ultimate battle like no other: a snumo battle.
'I got your note,' said Chrisbot.
'Give up, you robomofo!' said Jesnails
'Surrender now and I will make sure your death is ever so slightly less drawn out and painful, Thou of Incredulous Coiffure!'
'I'll never surrender! I'm the daughter of Big G up there, I don't
do surrender, ya dig? I'm Divine, baby! Fo' shizzle!'
'Enough of this pointless parleying! Let us begin!' Chrisbot barged into Jesnails, but was deflected as she kicked out, sending him running the other way. He was quick to correct his misdirection, however, and this time jumped at the afro'd messiah.
Jesnails flung out her arms as if she was about to preach, and a thick wire shot out from her afro, curled around in a halo shape. It glowed electric purple.When Chrisbot landed on it, he was deflected with a shower of purple sparks. He rolled backwards, his snumosuit doing a good job of making him spherical. 'GAH!'
'This ain't no saint's halo, kid!' Jesnails called after him. 'It's got this wicked added fizzizzle!' Through some mechanical trickery, the halo suddenly detached and flew in Chrisbot's direction, sprouting spikes. Chrisbot managed to get up in time to dodge this, but had a ring-shaped burn mark in the centre of his sumosuit from his first encounter with it.
The Emperor then removed his cybernetic leg, leaving a thin metallic pegleg that kept him propped up. He lifted his leg and aimed it at Jesnails, and it transformed into a derivative of the minigun.
'I'll show you FIZZLE!' The leg started firing bullets at an incredible rate. The bullets ripped through the air and buried themselves in the snow around and about Jesnails' feet, the barrel of the gun spinning wildly. Jesnails grooved like she had never grooved before and dodged every single one of them. As was predictable with such a rapid-firing weapon, Chrisbot soon ran out of ammunition. He yelled in frustration and hopped towards Jesnails with the leg raised above his head. And Jesnails ran at him.
And then an old hovercar crashed into the snow a few feet away, eleven distressed-looking reindeer and a wonderllama following. 'I'm dying,' moaned the wonderllama.
The bonnet of the car was smoking. Grace got out, marched towards them with the teapot in her hands as the vehicle exploded behind her and the reindeer bolted into the night, and caused the two of them to stop in their advances.
'Right,' said Grace. 'This ends here and it ends now. I am so very tired of you both and all the chaos you cause! I mean, look at this,' she said, showing them her watch and tapping the face. 'Bean o'clock. I mean, bean o'clock?! It's so
stupid!'
Jesnails chuckled. 'It true, dawg. You suck.'
'And you're no better with your silly hair!' snapped Grace.
The silence that followed could have ended Jesnailsmas all by itself.
'Yo' crossed the line, daddio!'
'Shut up!'
'You can't treat us like this!' protested Chrisbot. 'We could easily destroy you!'
Grace laughed horribly. 'Oh, I don't think so. I've killed once before, today, and I could do it another twice so easily...'
'Quit yo' jizzle,' said Jesnails.
'I jizzle not, my dear Jesnails.' She removed the lid of the teapot. 'Little did they know that it was I'--she pulled something out like a rabbit from a hat--'
WITH THE SHOTGUN IN THE TEAPOT!!'
'What?!' said Chrisbot.
Jesnails scowled. 'Fuck's sake,' she said.
'Losers,' said the wonderllama in the background, half-buried in the snow. 'Hey look, a lit firework...'
And then the city was filled with light.