The Easter Bunny

The Chief of Police entered the chamber of his leader, El-Chimaerah, who looked up,

"Morning Rabspiky, good sleep?

"Yes sir. I had a particularly good dream about a turnip."

"Excellent. This meeting will have to be brief today; Cripslock wants to see me in thirty minutes. First things first, have the scouts reported anything unusual?"

"No sir, nothing new within a two-mile radius. The big stone building for humans with a cross on top of it is being decorated slightly, but that always happens this time of the year."

"Ah yes, what is the human word for it?"

"I believe it is Ether. I think they celebrate something called the Crucial-fiction and Red-erection."

"Ah, so the decorations they're putting up are red?"

"Our scout said that they were an unpleasantly bright cyan colour."

"Crazy humans."

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As they were speaking, two humans approached their field; one was quite short, dumpy and wore a large deerstalker hat completely out of proportion with his body. The other was of average build and held a large piece of equipment on his shoulder. The former spoke,

"Testing, testing, won, two, fwee."

"Again please."

"Testing, testing, won, two, fwee."

"And again please."

"Testing, testing, won, two, fwee. Have you not got it wight yet?"

"That seems perfect. OK, sound levels are great, lighting is good. I'll just check your outfit is alright. Good. Right, just sling your gun over your shoulder. The shoulder furthest from the camera please. OK, scene one, take one… Action!"

"Hewwo, my name's Elmal Fudd, and I'm hunting wabbits."

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"What's up doc?"

"I've heard reports that avian flu may be coming our way sir." said Dr. Cripslock.

"Where from?"

"Oh a long way away sir, Essex. But it may get near us soon."

"So it's contagious?"

"Yes."

"What effect does it have on the sufferer?"

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"Your avewage wabbit whives in a buwwow under …"

"CUT!"

"What did I do wong?"

"It's not you Elmal, some kids in the background making silly faces. Fire a shot above their heads, that'll get rid of them."

"Is that wegal?"

"Yes, as long as you don't wound them."

"Awwight then."

BANG!

"See, they left and that tree branch didn't even hit them on its way down. Right, let's do this scene again. Take 2… Action!"

"Your avewage wabbit whives in a buwwow under the gwound. He'll have sevewal wuns weading to the surface, and you want to bwock them awl except won. Then you have to make him come out, then BANG! Fwied wabbit for dinner."

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In the tree, a bird nest stops oscillating, and the inhabitant stares at the stump of the ex-neighbouring branch. "Well, strike me roan." said the bird, "A frigging man with a bloody gun talking about sodding rabbits. I wonder what bollocks the bastard is up to? Maybe I should warn those cunting rabbits."

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"I'm not sure of the effect on rabbits, sir, but it causes birds to lay bad eggs and speak profanely."

"At least we won't be able to do one of those. What effects do you hypothesise it will have on us?"

"Well apart from profane speech, we would probably get normal flu symptoms: high temperature, blocked up sinuses etcetera and if we don't get any vaccines or other treatments then it may cause death. That's why I requested this meeting sir; we need to spend some money on research and extra antibiotics."

"Oh good, I like dusting my wallet."

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"Now the way you dwaw out the wabbit is to put a smawl tube fwough won of the bwocks you've done of his wuns. Then you pipe a smawl amount of toxic gas fwough the tube, not too much, you don't want the gas to get into his bloodstweam. You onwy want to scare the wabbit, so he'll wun out of the unbwocked hole. You just have to wait for him to awwive, and then shoot the arsehole."

"CUT!"

"What?"

"You're not meant to say 'arsehole', you're meant to say 'wabbit', I mean 'rabbit'."

"Sowwy."

"Right, let's shagging try again, from 'You just have to…'. Action!"

"You just have to wait for him to awwive, and then shoot the wabbit. Now, wet's see if I can find won I can demonstwate on."

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Dr Cripslock had just left when Rabspiky came running back in, with a bird,

"Sir!" said Rabswreader, "This bird has just given us some dern important information!"

"Bird?... Dern?... INFORMATION?"

"Yes sir, tell him Teaky Pie."

"Well cobber, I dang well saw one of those human gits with a fecking gun, talking some shit about shooting you rabbits. The dickhead's quite near and if I was you buggers, I'd run the hell away."

"OK, thank you for your message," said El-Chimaerah, "you may leave, run away if you want."

"I'm fucking flying mate!" and Teaky Pie left.

"Nice of him to tell us wasn't it Rabspiky? I just wish he didn't swear so much."

"Yes sir, sometimes I think they shouldn't be able to leave their damn aviaries."

"Oh, birds are 'Avians' aren't they?"

"Yes, the sods are sir."

"It seems Essex is closer than we thought. Oh dear."

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"Aha! I can see some wabbit cwap, a sore sign that we have a wawwen awound here. I wonder where his holes are, pwobably under a fwipping bush. I'd better be quiet, or he'll hear me." He pushed several small twigs out of the way to uncover what lay underneath a bush, "Yep, under that bush was a howle. So I'll take a bit of cway, and stuff it in there."

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"Sir! We've just had a report that some w*nker's blocked up Hole 17!"

El-Chimaerah sighed, "OK then. Take a memo: 'It's started already, buy whatever you need.' and send it to Cripslock."

"OK sir."

"And now we have to come up with a plan to get rid of this human, we obviously can't just run away, there's too many of us. We'll have to draw him away from us. And I need the toilet, but that'll have to wait."

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"Wight, I've found five holes so far, and bwocked them awl. There may be more around, as this looks like a darn large wawwen, so I'll just hunt awound a bit first for more. A smawl wawwen may have onwy have five, so you'd be wooking to start…"

"Elmal! Over there! A rabbit!"

El-Chimaerah had emerged from an unblocked hole and was zigzagging across the grass towards the nearest hedge. Elmal was caught unawares and didn't have his gun raised before the rabbit disappeared into the hedge. Elmal ran to the hedge so he could see when and where the rabbit would leave it.

"Paul!" he said to the cameraman, "Check that the wabbit doesn't leave the hedge. I'm going to see if I can spot the tosser."

"OK."

Whilst Paul watched, Elmal bent down onto his knees and peered into the hedge, for a glimpse of something…

"What the heck is this?"

"What?"

"It wooks wike a chocowate egg!" Paul looked at Elmal like he was mad, "It smells like chocowate! What kind of arsewipe would weave a chocowate egg in a hedge?" Elmal looked at Paul, then beyond him, "You twat! The wabbit's fwee!"

El-Chimaerah was streaking across the grass again, and then hid in a small bush. Elmal took careful aim at the bush and fired. Bits of bush and something else went flying in the air, the hunter and his cameraman went to look.

"Have you got him?"

"I can't see him. It wooks more wike expwoded chocowate."

"Don't be a cock Elmal. I can accept that someone may have left a chocolate egg in that hedge over there, but in this tiny little bush too? It doesn't make sense, and where's the rabbit?"

"There's no carcass, the bitch must've weft just before I shot. Wet's wook awound for him."

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And so it came to pass that Elmal and Paul went looking across the fields for several miles finding chocolate eggs every now and then in a bush or behind a clump of grass. The strangeness of this eventually meant that they decided to call it a day, and Paul sold the film to a TV programme about Inexplicable Phenomena, which inevitably meant that Elmal had to change his appearance and identity to avoid people laughing at him in the street.

El-Chimaerah, Rabspiky and a few other rabbits that had met Teaky Pie had to be quarantined to stop the spread of Avian Flu in the warren. Dr Cripslock bought the antibiotics and treated them personally.

"I don't understand it." She told El-Chimaerah, "The others are swearing like a hip-hop convention, and you're still completely polite."

"As the leader of my people it is my duty to set a good example at all times. Also, I have been blessed by the Lord Fredth himself, which is why I am unable to speak profanely." A look of extreme pain crossed his face for some seconds, followed by a small popping noise, "Doctor, would you like a chocolate egg? Happy Ether."

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