Discworld and Member Articles
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2001: A Board Odyssey - Chapter 8
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Written by Buzzfloyd
Saturday, 22 July 2006 |
Chapter 8 - NEW!
The breeze was cool, whispering about the stranger, as though enticing him across the beach. The moon hung heavy in the night sky, round and full. The stranger stood on the shore, gazing back at the island, taking in the darkness of the trees, the richness of the fruits dangling from them, the peaceful expanse of the sand, the strength of the rocky hill rising out of the forest. He nodded.
“Right,” he said, and turned to face the spray. He stepped into the water and started walking. Bright eyes in the undergrowth watched him leave.
***
Captain Eu skidded across the flagstones at the edge of Tripod Square. His breath came in ragged gasps as he struggled upright. Footsteps came ringing down the alley behind him. Ignoring the pain in his chest and side, he bolted across the square toward the Temple.
“Halt! Who goes there?” a voice cried from a side street.
Eu swore mentally. The cursed Watch! What were they doing at the Temple? Surely all Vimes’s men were back at the Crescent of Fools, or hounding him and Il Gobb through the streets. But before he could hide or move further, the runner emerged from the alleyway, and Il Gobb, the Black Bandit himself, was upon him.
Without hesitation, Il Gobb lunged at the box in Eu’s hand. The captain jumped back, swiftly raising his sword to keep his attacker at bay. Quick as winking, Il Gobb reached to his feet and drew a knife from each boot. They glinted in the moonlight.
“Give me the box,” the Bandit growled.
Eu grinned at him. “Never,” he replied.
Before either of them could say another word, the Watchman appeared at their side. He looked little more than a boy, his round face scared. “Drop your weapons!” he yelled. Another Watchman was running towards them from near the Temple.
Swearing, Il Gobb turned on the young Watchman, and, without a moment’s hesitation, plunged a knife into his throat. A red spray fountained across the men. Gurgling, the Watchman grabbed at Il Gobb as he fell to his knees.
“Timatus!” yelled the other Watchman – or, indeed, Watchwoman, Eu realised – as she came pounding across the square towards them. Il Gobb turned, snarling, to face her, one knife bloody and dripping, the other clean, waiting. Seeing his chance, Eu turned and ran for the Temple.
He did not see the girl at the mouth of Daifawr Alley, staring in mute horror at the unfolding scene before her.
***
Tempus screamed again as the eye moved. But, thank Garner, it was moving away from him. Whatever monster was out there was stepping back from the window. And now it was reaching towards the window again with a sort of alien limb, a tentacle of some kind. Tempus backed away as the tentacle moved across the window and towards the door beside it, the door he hadn’t noticed before, blithely unaware as he had been of the danger only feet away from him, outside the kitchen.
The door handle began to turn. Tempus whimpered, and turned to run – but tripped over the jutting corner of the Spice Rack of Confession and fell with a crash. Bottles of spice rolled around him as he heard the unmistakable sound of the door opening.
Something gripped his shoulder as he scrabbled onto his hands and knees. The monster’s tentacle wrapped itself around him and lifted him into the air. He tried to scream again, but no sound came out.
Then he was moving again towards the floor. The monster placed him gently on his feet and withdrew its tentacle. Panting, Tempus turned to face it. He blinked as he found himself gazing into the friendly, almost concerned eyes of…
Fred. Orrdos’s holy elephant. Tempus laughed out loud with relief. Fred raised his trunk and puffed at Tempus, ruffling his hair. Grinning, Tempus reached out a hand, which Fred started exploring with his trunk.
“Hello, there, Fred. You gave me quite a scare!” Tempus told the elephant. “What do you want then?” Fred could fit no more than his head and a leg through the door into the kitchen. Perhaps he didn’t bother opening the door unless he heard someone inside, Tempus guessed.
The elephant patted Tempus on the shoulder and then, unmistakably, pointed with his trunk towards a cupboard on the far wall.
“The cupboard?” Tempus asked. Fred made a quiet huffing sound. “You want something from inside it?” Fred huffed again.
Tempus walked across the room and opened the cupboard. It was full of bags of unsalted peanuts. He grinned. He pulled out a bag and took it over to the elephant.
“Do you want me to open it for you?” Fred huffed again. Tempus opened the bag and held it out. Fred ruffled his hair again, took the proffered peanuts and backed out into the yard. Tempus went to the doorway and watched Fred’s giant grey backside ambling away. Smiling, he shut the door.
“Tempus!”
Tempus spun round. He had not heard anyone approaching. And, if there were anyone he had less expected to see here than his old boss, he could not imagine who it would be. Captain Eu Sou Eu stood in the doorway, his hair dishevelled and hat gone, covered in a spray of what looked like blood, his sword in one hand and Dragonmama’s box in the other.
Tempus gaped as Eu stepped into the room, looking around. The Captain spoke. “If you can help me find the way to the treasury, boy, you shall have a share of the plunder!”
A share? Oh no, Tempus thought. I’m having all of it. But before he could respond, another intruder burst into the room. It was Il Gobb.
“The box, Eu!” he snarled.
Eu lifted his sword, smiling. “You will have to fight me for it,” he said pleasantly.
“Gladly,” Il Gobb answered, seizing a knife from the sideboard and advancing on Eu. The Captain easily parried every thrust he made, his sword seeming almost to dance around him. Eu leapt nimbly onto the long wooden table, out of reach of the Bandit, who scrambled after him.
Tempus glanced desperately around the room. There had to be something he could use to stop both men, before they ruined all his plans. The flickering firelight from the oven lit up a rack of foreign-looking utensils beside him. He picked up a couple of heavy items. He didn’t know what they were supposed to be used for, but they would suit his purpose just fine.
Taking careful aim, he threw one at Captain Eu. It hit him squarely on the shoulder, knocking him off balance. The Captain staggered and slipped from the table. As he fell, he hit his head against the bulky iron leg of the Garlic Press, and lay still, Dragonmama’s box on the floor beside him. Il Gobb leapt from the table and grabbed the box.
“Don’t move!” Tempus yelled.
“What?” Il Gobb turned to face him.
“I said don’t move! I won’t let you do this!” Tempus hefted the remaining utensil in his right hand.
Il Gobb raised the knife he still held. They both stood for a moment, eyeing each other warily. “I see we are at something of a demon’s fundament,” the Bandit said.
“Eh?”
There was a rustling sound. “The supplicant means an impasse,” said a familiar voice. Swallowing nervously, Tempus turned to face Ba. The god looked from one man to the other. Neither spoke, only stood and gaped. The deity tutted. “The Ba had hoped to watch the rest of the fight! But it seems the entertainment has been halted for refreshments! Ba approves.” And, putting down the Frying Pan of Doom, the god reached for the freshly-made pie, standing forgotten on the table.
A flash of inspiration came to Tempus in that instant. “O mighty Ba!” he exclaimed. “These infidels came here to steal from the gods!”
Ba shrugged. “Ba will lead the way to Orrdos’s beer cellar after he has eaten this pie.”
“But Ba,” Tempus continued urgently. “They were here to steal the pie!”
Ba paused and looked at Il Gobb again.
“Lies!” the Bandit exclaimed, looking furiously at Tempus.
“Do you see the knife he’s holding? He was just about to cut into the pie when you arrived! I was trying to stop him!” Tempus desperately hoped his plan would work.
Ba tilted his head to one side and gazed thoughtfully at Il Gobb.
“So help me, Garner, this is the most -” the Bandit began. But he never finished his sentence. Ba raised the Holy Spork and released a bolt of lightning that seemed to sear Tempus’s eyeballs to the back of his skull.
Dazzled and blinking, Tempus choked on the sudden smell of burning meat. As his vision returned, he saw Ba cheerfully using the Holy Spork now to scoop pie into his mouth. Behind him, a woman stood in the doorway. Buzzfloyd, High Priestess of Garner.
She glared at Tempus. “What is going on here?”
***
In Palomino Park, bunting hung from the trees and empty stalls lined the paths in readiness for tomorrow’s festival. Tomorrow was Garner’s official birthday. Although the gods having birthdays raised important theological questions, Garner had long ago decreed that any ceremony that meant people giving him even more presents and attention was one he insisted on holding. Ba and Orrdos had felt the same way.
The festivities to celebrate Garner’s birthday would start in the park. That was why Athar, Maljonic and the others had chosen to set up their demonstration there. The posters had now been put up all over the city. Even if they were torn down in the morning, enough people would have seen them that everyone would be talking about it. Then, the Truth-Seers, as they called themselves, hoped people would start to join the demonstration in the park. With luck, they would soon have enough people to march on the Temple.
Their stated goals were to make Buzzfloyd admit to Garner’s death, then depose the illegitimate clergy and share the wealth of Garner’s treasury out among the people, to whom it rightly belonged.
The last part of the plan was what niggled at Athar. He suspected that the other clergy might take issue with the notion that the people were the rightful owners of Garner’s wealth. He thought Ba Witda and Orrdos might claim it as their own.
It was the first part of the plan that SW Reader didn’t like. She couldn’t see the point in making Buzzfloyd admit the truth. They knew what was true, they had evidence. They didn’t need her to say it. And anyway, she never would agree. SW Reader said she didn’t need Buzzfloyd’s say-so to believe in what she saw.
The thing that bothered Maljonic was the proposed deposition of Garner’s clergy. He, like the other Truth-Seers, knew that Garner was not in his Temple. He had thought it worth talking about, but he had never really meant to get swept up into all this militant activism. He had gone along with the protest plans, although he thought the slogan, “GARNER IS DEAD!” was a bad idea. After all, they didn’t know what had actually happened to Garner. But when he had voiced these thoughts, Athar had screamed at him until he had given in just to restore peace. Now, though, the Chief Astronomer was worried that things were starting to go a little too far.
As the other Truth-Seers worked on “GARNER IS DEAD!” banners for the demonstration, Maljonic looked up at the sky. Come back, Garner, he prayed. Come back and prove Athar wrong.
***
“What’s going on?” Buzzfloyd repeated.
“Ba is eating pie,” the god replied.
“I can see that,” the High Priestess said acidly, as she walked into the room.
“Then Buzzfloyd’s question was redundant,” Ba pointed out, breaking off a piece of piecrust.
Buzzfloyd narrowed her eyes and turned to Tempus. As she opened her mouth to speak again, however, the sound of running footsteps could be heard in the corridor. More than one pair of footsteps. The priestess turned as a massively-built Watchman burst into the room, followed by a petite woman who was dwarfed beside him.
“Plaid,” Tempus whispered. His heart plummeted. What was she doing here? How had she got involved in all this?
“Your grace, we must arrest -” the Watchman paused mid-sentence as he saw the charred body of Il Gobb on the floor.
“They’re here to rob the treasury!” Plaid cried to the High Priestess. “They’re here to rob the Great God Garner!”
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