Discworld and Member Articles
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2001: A Board Odyssey - Chapter 3
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Written by Buzzfloyd
Wednesday, 24 August 2005 |
Chapter 3
The sky was growing dark. Stars were coming out over the bay, tiny beacons of hope for the dawn, scattered across the landscape of the night. The only lights along the waterfront were the flickering torch of a watchman on patrol and the roving eye of the lighthouse, which stood tall and proud, like a little brother to the temple tower.
Half Boardania was retiring home for the night. The other half was just getting up.
Captain Eu strolled along the Crescent of Fools. This street, tucked away under the overhang of the cliff face, came alive after dark. Doorways and windows glittered with coloured lights and stained glass, beckoning the passerby into one of the many shops, bars and all-night cafes that were hollowed into the rock. Chiselled stone stairways led to the caves higher up the cliff, whose entrances sparkled with candles, lanterns, and the occasional flare. Bursts of music could be heard from every little hideyhole, combining with shouts of laughter and raucous singing from the taverns. The noise of merrymaking bruised the night.
The captain wended his way among dancers, buskers and street performers until he had reached the apex of the curving avenue. Here, a large and irregular cavern had been enclosed with a shop front, the many little panes of glass reflecting back the lights of the Crescent of Fools. A banner hanging above it read, “WELCOME STRANGER”, and a metal plate on the door had been etched with the words, “Dragonmama’s Lair”.
***
“Here we go, Tempus, this is a spare blanket.” Colonesque proffered a lumpy, grey woollen shape. “We all have plastic sheets under our bedclothes, but you aren’t a Doorman, so I don’t suppose you’ll get given one.”
“Er… no, I suppose not.” Tempus looked slightly disturbed as he took the blanket.
“Have you brushed your teeth?” Rincewind asked sternly of the refugee.
“No,” Tempus replied. “I haven’t finished my hot chocolate yet.”
“Drink it up, then Nester will show you where the bathroom is.”
The stranger tried to avert his gaze from the sight of the Doormen getting ready for bed. Colonesque was already wearing blue, polar bear print pyjamas with attached slippers. Rincewind appeared to prefer a rather ancient pair of slightly stained longjohns and a thermal vest. Tempus downed his hot chocolate and waited politely for Nester to finish getting changed. He drummed his fingers on the edge of the bunk.
“Well? Are you ready then?” The third Doorman asked after a minute. Surprised, Tempus looked up.
One stricken moment later… “OH my GOD!” he exclaimed in horror, shielding his face with his arms. “Holy Mother of Garner! Get some clothes on, please!”
The Doormen exchanged puzzled glances. “But Nester always sleeps in the nudd,” Colonesque explained simply. “That’s just his way.”
”Yeah, well, there are some ways best not taken, you know what I’m saying?” Tempus risked a quick glance from behind his hands. Nester still stood, hands on hips, brazen as anything and more naked than a quivering jellyfish stranded by the tide. “Look, couldn’t you at least wrap a blanket around yourself or something? I’m not a delicate man, but I have my limits.”
The junior Doorman sighed in acquiescence and took a blanket from the bunk above Colonesque’s. “Just to please you,” he said, rolling his eyes.
With a shudder, Tempus followed Nester down a draughty corridor to the ablutorium. After a gentle reminder, Nester left him to it, and returned to the bedroom. The fugitive stayed in the bathroom for as long as he felt was reasonably likely before making his way back. He opened the door to find all three Doormen kneeling in a row by one of the bunks. They looked round as he came in.
“You took your time,” Rincewind said, with a glare.
“Er…”
“Come on!” Colonesque patted the floor next to where he knelt. “It’s time for prayers!”
Feeling like a fool, Tempus lowered himself to his knees. After a glance at the other three, he also put his hands together and closed his eyes.
Rincewind began the prayers. His list was at times predictable and at other times surprising. “O, most mighty Orrdos, we pray for an end to piss joke rationing… for the furtherance of holy monkeys… for poor students everywhere to be given heaps of money… for Mynona to mistakenly put salt in her tea… “
When he had finished, Colonesque took over, praying for his badger, Kate, for Fred, for Rincewind’s monkey again, for Tempus to be forgiven and learn to be good, for all the children of Boardania…
Nester added only a few short words, remembering to pray for peanut growers and all those who worked in beer production, as well as for Orrdos himself.
When Nester had finished, there was a lengthy pause before Tempus realised that he was expected to pray as well. “Erm… O, great god… Orrdos… I, er, pray that… I pray that you will give Nester a pair of pyjamas and bid him use them… I pray that those sour old bitches give us the chocolate biscuits next time…” The Doormen all nodded approvingly. “I pray that I’ll find a way out of here unmolested by the Watch… And, er, I pray that it’s not true what they’re saying about the Great God Garner. Um. Amen.”
“Amen.”
Tempus risked cracking open an eye. The three brethren remained in position for a few seconds before Nester and Rincewind both got up, leaning on Colonesque’s shoulders for support. Tempus also stood, and turned towards his bunk. Then he received his second shock of the evening.
“Who the hell are you?!” There was a mild-countenanced young man standing in the doorway of the room, watching them all. At Tempus’ question, he turned his gaze upon him.
“Who do you think?” the newcomer asked in reply. “Not another atheist, are you?”
“Doors!” exclaimed Colonesque in glee, as he scrambled into bed. “Please will you tuck me in?”
Orrdos, for it was he, closed his eyes and sighed heavily. “Yes, all right then, Colonesque. And no, don’t you other two even ask. Rincewind, try not to drip on our guest during the night, will you?”
“Sure thing, boss!”
Tempus realised he was still gaping at the sight of a god incarnate in the same room as him, and quickly sat down on his bunk. The Doormen were already all under their blankets. Orrdos leaned under Nester’s bunk to tuck Colonesque in, a slightly pained expression on his face.
“Will you tell us a story, Doors?” Colonesque asked. “Please?”
“Once upon a time, there were three Doormen who all went to sleep without being tucked in or listening to stories, and who didn’t try to get out of bed to go and spy on priestesses during the night, Rincewind. The End.”
“Wow, boss! It’s the way you tell them!” Nester exclaimed happily.
“Yeah. Oh, Nester, I have something for you.” Orrdos produced, apparently from nowhere, a pair of blue and white striped pyjamas with a picture of Fred on them. “Here, wear these. Now.”
Colonesque turned to look at Tempus. “You see, Orrdos does answer prayer.”
Tempus nodded, then realised that the god was now looking at him.
“Right, you. I know your game, and it’s a crap one. One of those games where people keep making up new rules halfway through, and then someone gets upset and starts crying and, before you know it, you wished you’d never bothered with the stupid game anyway and just sat around exchanging witty banter like a sensible adult, and… well, never mind. All I’m saying is, don’t try anything all right?”
Tempus nodded again.
“Well said, boss!” exclaimed Rincewind.
Orrdos went and stood in the doorway. “OK, I’m going to turn the light out now. I’ll leave the door open, Colonesque, so you can see the perpetual lantern. If you wake up in the night, please go back to sleep.” Then he clicked his fingers and the light went out.
“Night, Doormen.”
“Night night, Doors!”
Tempus lay, staring wide-eyed into the darkness. He’d seen a lot in his time, but this was probably going to give him bad dreams for years. Especially the bit where he saw Nester with no clothes on. That would probably haunt him forever. After several moments of traumatised contemplation, he did what any sensible person would do; he turned over and tried to get some sleep.
***
Eu Sou Eu removed his hat as he stepped down into Dragonmama’s cavern. The place was crowded with people, faces only half visible through the smoky atmosphere and the dim light, which shimmered from candle lanterns and the coal fire. Incense cones burnt here and there, fragrancing the room with amber and sweet myrrh. The captain made his way to one of the much-stained and much-polished oak tables. There, he took a seat on one of the stools and gestured to a waitress for a drink.
Giving the room a careful once-over, he was able to pick out a few familiar faces. There was Kid Sybil, who was running tonight’s event. Jinxted, a regular contender and frequent champion. The usual small time gamers, in it for the kicks; Pepster, Lady Emma, Tony Black. And, ah! A serious challenger. Eu Sou Eu got to his feet and crossed the room to greet the legendary Il Gobb.
“Il Gobb? I am Captain Eu Sou Eu. Happy to make your acquaintance at last.”
“Ah, Captain! The pleasure is all mine.” The two men shook hands. As they did so, a girl arrived at the table with two drinks.
“Dry martini with extra olives for Captain Eu, white wine spritzer for Mr Gobb.” The petite, brown-haired serving girl set the glasses down. “Can I get you gentleman anything else?”
“A smile from such a beautiful young lady would be all I require for a happy evening,” replied Eu, with a twinkle in his eye. The girl blushed, gave an awkward half-smile and hurried away across the room. “Now there goes a pretty young thing,” the Captain commented. “I wonder what her name is.”
Il Gobb shrugged noncommittally. “Ask Dragonmama, she will tell you.”
Eu took a sip of his drink and glanced at Il Gobb, who was reading a newspaper. “The Moderator, Il Gobb? Is that what you normally take? I’d have placed you as more of a Times man.”
“Indeed, yes.” The gentleman dropped the paper onto the tabletop. “Normally I do read the Times, and looking at this rag reminds me of why. Nothing in there but poppycock and balderdash!”
“Poppycock, is it?” Eu’s eyes sparkled. “What makes you say so?”
“This issue they publish some stupid rumour that the Great God Garner has left us, that he is not here in Boardania any longer. Never have I read such tripe before, even in a newspaper.”
“I’ve heard the rumour round and about,” Eu replied, looking suddenly grave. “I’ve heard it said that the Great God is silent. That he’s abandoned his people.”
Il Gobb snorted. “Only this night, Captain, I have seen the sparks flying from his tower. To be sure, only the Great God burns with such a bright flame. He is alive and well, and he resides in the temple as always he did.”
“I’m sure you’re right, Il Gobb,” Eu answered pleasantly. He sipped his drink. “May I have your Moderator if you’re done with it? I should like to read the article in question.”
“You are welcome to it. ‘The Great God is Gone’ indeed. Garbage, I tell you, is what it is, Eu Sou Eu.”
At that moment, there was a whisper from the back of the cavern. A woman dressed in purple robes and red pointy slippers had climbed up onto a chair, and stood surveying the crowd. “Ladies, gentlemen and creatures of the night!” she began, in strident tones. “It is my honour to be hosting tonight’s game! Kid Sybil has organised events, and I’m sure we are all looking forward to either watching or taking part.” A small cheer went up. “So let everyone who wishes to play the game, come now and add his booty to the pile!”
Eu Sou Eu, Il Gobb and several others got up and walked over to where the woman in purple, Dragonmama, stood. They took it in turns to produce various items and place them on the table next to her. There was money, jewellery, uncut opals, a sword, an inlaid wooden box, and all kinds of treasures. The box had been in place before the contestants placed their goods down. It was closed, with a small brass key inserted in the lock. Captain Eu noted each participant eyeing it thoughtfully.
Dragonmama clapped her hands together. “Plaid! Bring on the sticks!” The brown-haired girl made her way across the floor, carrying a bundle of wooden rods, which were painted with bands of blue, red and green. She handed them to Dragonmama. “I call on Kid Sybil, as game organiser, to throw the sticks!” Dragonmama announced.
A short, tough-looking woman, dressed all in black leather, including a wide-brimmed hat, stepped forward and took the bundle from Dragonmama, holding them upright in front of her. “I call on Jinxted, as current champion, to take first picks!” Kid Sybil declared. And with that, she let go of the sticks. They fell helter-skelter into a messy pile on the floor. The Kid stood back, as Jinxted eased his well-built frame through the watching crowd and bent over the sticks. There was a long moment of quiet, while all contemplated the lie of the stack.
Then Jinxted spoke. “Jack straws.” And, reaching out a hand, he began to ease one of the uppermost rods away from the rest of the pile. The game was afoot.
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