Discworld and Member Articles
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2001: A Board Odyssey - Chapter 2
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Written by Buzzfloyd
Tuesday, 23 August 2005 |
Chapter 2
A door slammed to, in the south transept of the temple. Rincewind and Colonesque shuffled in, arguing quietly. Their usual (or unusual, depending on how you chose to look at it) Smell accompanied them. Of all the gods, Orrdos was most particular about the use of incense in worship. He had good reason.
“There you are! I’ve been waiting for you guys for ages! Where have you been?” A peeved-looking young man stood at the chancel steps, pulling off an orange wig with tartan cap attached, part of the Doormen’s ceremonial robes of office.
“Oh, hello Nester!” Colonesque greeted his fellow clergyman. “We’ve just been out and about, you know.”
“My shift was supposed to end an hour ago! It’s your turn, Rincewind. And Buzzfloyd wants to see you.” Nester looked slightly smug as he imparted this piece of information.
Rincewind winced. “What does she want?” The monkey on his shoulder chattered in an agitated manner.
“Someone’s claimed sanctuary. But he’s a man, so Buzzfloyd and Mynona can’t house him in their quarters. They wondered if we could put him up.”
“Oh, is that all?” Rincewind visibly relaxed. “For a moment, I thought she’d found out about Fred and the missing candles!”
A look of mild terror crossed the faces of both the other Doormen. “She scares me,” admitted Colonesque.
“Yeah, she’s a righteous bitch,” agreed Nester.
“His Doorship told me the other night that she’s killed people!” Colonesque added, in a subdued voice.
“Idiot!” Rincewind sneered. “That wasn’t true, it was in the newspaper!”
“Yeah, it was just a story,” Nester added, although he looked a bit worried.
“Look, let’s go and see her now,” suggested Colonesque, as he and Nester followed Rincewind into the vestry. “We don’t need to give Fred his bath for another half an hour.”
“Good idea. Nester, will you hold the monkey for me?” Rincewind pulled on his jester’s motley, donned his wig and cap, and pinned his Fred badge to his chest. The Doormen had quite a distinctive look.
“Don’t forget your stick,” Colonesque admonished his spiritual brother, picking up a stout cudgel from where it leant against the hearth, and proffering it. “Otherwise, His Doorship will be angry again.”
“He’s always angry, these days,” Rincewind remarked sadly, taking the stick, which had nails in it.
Nester nodded. “The other day he was grumbling about the Great God Garner never answering when he knocks.”
“Yeah, well, the opal-lovers are always rude like that,” Rincewind sniffed.
“I heard that, Rincewind.” The brethren span around. Mynona stood in the doorway. “Buzzfloyd wants to see one of you. Now.” She stepped in. “And I’d be quick if I were you.”
“Hey, this is our vestry! You aren’t allowed in!” Nester exclaimed, as Colonesque bent to pick up his badger.
Mynona shrugged. “I’m not planning to stay – it always smells funny in here. But just hurry up, all right? She’s not in a good mood today, and you know she’s not one to suffer fools gladly.”
“Why does she want to see us then?” Colonesque asked as Mynona closed the door.
***
Samantha Vimes strode into the Watch House at Sctoland Yard.
“Corporal Carrot, on your feet!” she snapped. In an impressive manoeuvre, the young watchman went from lounging back in his chair with his feet on the desk to standing upright and sharply saluting in two seconds flat.
“Commander Vimes, SAH!”
“Corporal, alert the others, a man I arrested just took sanctuary in the temple. The moment he puts so much as a toe outside, I want him caught and brought back here. Got that?”
“Yes Commander.”
“I want a man posted on every door, and put someone holy looking inside.” The watchwoman paused on the stairs up to her office. “That is, if you can find anyone out of our lot who doesn’t look like something that would put the wind up Danskin.”
The corporal gave a wry grin. “I’ll do my best, sir.”
“And as soon as I’ve filed his report, I’m off out to see what I can find out about this man.”
***
On the docks, the fishwives were packing away as mid-afternoon came. Madam Water glanced up towards the temple tower and muttered a quick prayer of thanks for the day’s takings. Like most of Boardania’s populace, she had been brought up in a devoutly religious family. Ten percent of her income was regularly exchanged in the marketplace for opals, krugerands, peanuts and pie, which she would then take to the temple for sacrifice.
There was a large merchant ship in the harbour now, which had just docked. Boxes and barrels were being offloaded, and several passengers had exited the boat on its arrival. Tomorrow promised to be a busy day in the market.
“Good day to you, good lady!” Madam Water jumped, and turned to see a swarthy stranger, who raised his hat in greeting.
“Er, good day sir!” she replied, feeling inexplicably flustered as the man lowered his hat again to reveal a pair of twinkling dark eyes. “Can I help you?”
“Ah, madam, I hope so! My name is Captain Eu Sou Eu. I seek a place named the Crescent of Fools. Could you, perchance, direct me there?”
“Oh, to be sure!” Madam Water felt herself blush under the rather dashing captain’s enquiring gaze. “It’s very easy to find, but you must go carefully through that part of town.” As she gave him directions, she couldn’t help but notice the rings that glittered on the man’s fingers, and the gold chains at his throat. This must be a rich merchant, seeking some entertainment now that he’d got in to port.
The captain doffed his hat again as she finished. “I am most grateful to you, kind lady! I must be going now to this foolish crescent, but I am sure we will meet again!” He seized her hand and kissed it, winked at her as she stood and gawped at him, then sauntered away down the street.
“Well, fancy,” Madam Water murmured, as she watched him go.
***
“No more business, Marcia?”
The vendor looked up at the sound of a familiar voice. “No more news, Commander,” she said, with a grin. “This time of day, the most interesting stuff is all just about to happen.”
Samantha Vimes grinned in return. “That’s just how I feel, Marcia. And,” she said, stepping nearer to the stall, “I think you know what some of that interesting stuff might be – or where it might be.”
The two women locked gazes. Marcia went very still. “I don’t know nothing till the papers tell me, Commander,” she replied, not looking away.
The Watchwoman leaned very close. “Then perhaps you’d like to share with me what the ‘papers’ told you today,” she said quietly.
***
It was a little cramped in the High Priestess’s office, with five members of the clergy, as well as the fugitive, all present. Buzzfloyd and Mynona sat at the table, sipping tea, while the Doormen sat on the floor, drinking orange squash from plastic beakers, and munching on malted milk biscuits. The stranger in their midst stood at the hearth, clutching a mug of coffee and gazing into the fire.
“You could of got the chocolate ones,” remarked Rincewind, examining the biscuit he had just taken a bite into.
“We did,” Mynona replied. “But we aren’t wasting them on you lot! You can eat the plain ones.”
The Doorman scowled, but did not make a fuss. Nester spoke to the man by the fireplace. “So, you say your name is Tempus. Is that your real name?”
“Yes, it is.” Their guest turned to face them.
“What were you running from, Tempus?” Rincewind asked.
“A watchwoman.” The man’s face gave away no more than the words he spoke.
“What had you done?” queried Mynona, ladling sugar into her tea.
The man shrugged and didn’t answer, but simply swirled his coffee round in its mug.
“Well?” Buzzfloyd added sharply, after a moment.
Tempus looked up. “Someone was chasing me,” he said softly. “So I ran. I’ve got something that someone else wants. But I’m afraid I can’t tell you any more than that. It’s very kind of you to look after me like this, but I won’t answer all your questions in return. If you don’t like that, I’ll just go back downstairs and sleep on a pew or something. But you can’t kick me out. Sanctuary is the people’s right.”
Buzzfloyd nodded. “Provided they’re God-fearing people, of course,” she remarked.
“Of course,” Tempus answered politely.
“You’ll be sharing quarters with us then!” Colonesque beamed. A slightly disconcerted look crossed the fugitive’s face. “You can go on the bunk under Rincewind, that one’s free!”
“Pews are terribly comfy any time of year, don’t you think?” Mynona observed, with a sly grin.
“Oh, don’t listen to her!” Colonesque exclaimed cheerfully. “She’s only trying to put you off sleeping with us!”
“Like you need help with that,” said Mynona.
“Now then, Acolyte,” Buzzfloyd chided. “Tempus will stay in the Doormen’s quarters, so they can keep an eye on him. That’s the arrangement.”
“I don’t really need anyone-“ Tempus began, but the High Priestess cut him off.
“The Doormen may be blithering idiots, Mr Tempus, but their eyes and ears work fine.”
“Not their bladders, though,” Mynona added, sotto voce.
Buzzfloyd continued. “Don’t make the mistake of thinking that Sanctuary is the easy option. We aren’t all as stupid as Colonesque here, or as slow as Commander Vimes.”
“Commander Vimes isn’t that slow,” Tempus replied, looking rueful. “Trust me, I haven’t had to run so fast since... Well, not for a while.”
“And I’m not that stupid!” added Colonesque, suddenly. The others looked at him.
“He is that slow, though,” Nester remarked.
Buzzfloyd sighed as Mynona stifled a giggle. “Tempus, just go with the Doormen, all right? And don’t try anything. The Great God is watching you.”
“Yeah,” replied Tempus. “Sure he is.”
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